The caller complained, “I’ve been sad all my life. I’ve been to many therapists and none have been able to help me get rid of my sadness. Do you think you can help me?”

Since I have seen many similar cases like this before, I told the caller, “I have a good hunch on what is going on. Come on over and lets see if I can help.” After briefly treating the person, the sadness was gone and it has stayed that way ever since. I have treated hundreds of these situations where individuals have been able to experience release of seemingly hopeless issues. What has made the difference?

There is a growing body of research showing that babies in the womb feel, taste, learn, and have some level of consciousness. One study had babies in the womb receiving “vibroacoustic stimulation” (Gonzalez-Gonzalez et al., 2006). That is a fancy way of saying sound waves were transmitted. For comparison purposes, there was also a control group that did not receive the treatment. After they were born, the babies who had received the stimulation were again given the same treatment. The result was that these babies recognized the signal and tended to calm down after receiving the signal. The researchers concluded that fetal life is able to learn and memorize with this capacity lasting into neonatal life (post-birth).

In other research, Anthony DeCasper and William Fifer created a nipple that was connected to an audio device (Kolata, 1984). This nipple test was given to 10 newborn babies. If a child sucked in one way they would hear their mother’s voice. Sucking in a different pattern would cause the child to hear another woman’s voice. The researchers found that the babies sucked in a way to hear their mothers. The same experiment was done using the sound of the mother’s heart beat and that of a male voice. The result was that the babies sucked in such a way as to hear the mother’s heart beat more often than the male voice.

DeCasper later did another test where he had sixteen pregnant women read a children’s book. They read the book out aloud twice a day for the last 6.5 weeks of their pregnancy. Once born, the babies were given the nipple test previously mentioned where they could listen either to their mother reading the original children’s book that was used or another book. The babies sucked to hear the original children’s book. What DeCasper concluded was that a prenatal auditory experience can influence auditory preferences after birth.

An author and well known obstetrician, Christiane Northrup (2005) shares that if a pregnant mother is going through high levels of fear or anxiety she creates a “metabolic cascade.” Hormones known as cytokines are produced and the mother’s immune system is affected, including her child’s. Chronic anxiety in the mother can set the stage for a whole array of trauma based results such as prematurity, complications of birth, death, and miscarriage. The opposite is also true. When the mother is feeling healthy and happy, she produces oxytocin. This is often called the molecule of belonging. The presence of this component creates feelings of bonding and strengthens immunity in the baby. Neurotransmitters moving inside the mother’s body creates a chemical and physical imprint on the baby’s brain and body. The message imprinted is that there is safety and peace. The baby feels secure and taken care of.

Can a baby learn while in the womb? The research seems to point in that direction. In terms of mental health, can this be a clue to psychological issues adults exhibit? In some cases, I think so. I feel this way, not because I have done peer-reviewed research on the matter, but because of the hundreds that I have treated for their fetal life traumas. They experienced significant or total reduction of their negative and dysfunctional issues. Many of these patients had previously exhibited spontaneous and abrupt feelings of anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, hyper-vigilance and even co-dependent enablement.

The next time you experience one of these emotions and you cannot figure out where it came from perhaps it came before your physical birth. You may have had a detached mother or a scared one. You could have had a mother that did not want to get pregnant and resented the father. Maybe your mother was depressed and lonely. Hopefully, you had a happy and content mother who nurtured you in her heart and enjoyed having you in her life.

References

Gonzalez-Gonzalez, N. L., Suarez, M. N., Perez-Pinero, B., Armas, H., Domenech, E., & Bartha, J. L. (2006). Persistence of fetal memory into neonatal life. Acta Obstetricia et Gynecologica, 85, 1160-1164. doi:10.1080/00016340600855854

Kolata, Gina (1984). Studying learning in the womb. Science, 225, 302-303. doi:10.1126/science.6740312

Northrup, C. (2005). Mother-daughter wisdom. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Have you ever noticed that when you have gotten very sick or hospitalized the person you thought was your friend never asked or called? When the same situation had previously happened to them, you were there for them.

Many of you have been in a relationship or been a friend with someone who was an extreme narcissist. These types of relationships are filled with drama unless you totally please the narcissist, which is impossible. The typical extreme narcissists are full of themselves and are overtly pompous. I would like to focus on a kind of extreme narcissist that most people fail to recognize. First, let me explain what extreme narcissism is all about.

Extreme narcissism is an egotistical preoccupation with self. It focuses on personal preferences, aspirations, needs, success, and how one’s self is perceived by others. Some basic narcissism is healthy. This kind of narcissism is better termed as responsibly taking care of oneself, or what I would call “normal” or “healthy” narcissism.

The egotistical narcissists are typically created in one of two ways. One way is through excessive pampering on the part of the parents. Parents create an attitude in the child that he/she is better than others and entitled to special privileges. This creates an arrogant child who lacks a healthy dose of gratitude and humility. It describes the proverbial brat that no one likes.

Another way that extreme narcissists are created is when a child receives a significant emotional wound or a series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment. This can happen when the parents, as narcissists themselves, are emotionally disconnected from their child. It creates a dysfunction in the ability for the narcissist to connect emotionally to others. No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he/she has a major attachment dysfunction and wound. This wounded person constructs one or more false fronts in order to survive and insulate themselves from people because of distrust and fear (Lopez De Victoria, 2008).

A narcissist is a completely self-absorbed person. There can be no other gods in an extreme narcissist’s world, regardless if they say they believe in God or not. In practical terms, a narcissist is God in his/her own imagination. Ego rules supremely in the narcissist’s life. In light of this, what energizes a narcissist is whatever fuels the ego. Ego loves pleasure and gain. In most cases, these can come from one of two ways of feeding the ego. One way is through aggrandizement, which means “to make bigger.” Ultimately the extreme narcissist feels he/she is most special and, therefore, entitled. To the extreme narcissist, people are actually things to use.

Another way that the narcissist’s ego gets special attention is through the role of being a victim. Welcome to the victimized extreme narcissist. Most persons recognize ego as arrogance. At the same time they fail to see the subtle deception of ego when it takes the role of a being a victim. As kind and compassion-driven human beings, we easily are fooled by this form of extreme ego. We are constantly hearing the voices of the needy in the media through a variety of forms. The disenfranchised, the poor, the homeless, the hurting, the refugees, the abused, and the list goes on. What we often do not see is that we are many times shamed by these voices for not doing enough for them. All along it is easy to be manipulated as we respond from our hearts. The deception of the ego is that the narcissist can hide behind misfortune and victimization in order to shame you into feeling and believing that they suffer more than you do. They will say that you don’t care enough for them. They will make you feel that you have not done enough to help them. The ego wants attention, control, gain, and power over others by positioning itself as a “poor and helpless” victim. It does this all the while it soaks up the attention and control over others. In the eyes of an extreme narcissist, their situation is always right and totally justified. Instead of taking responsibility for self and consequences, the extreme narcissist tries to make others feel responsible for their plight. Because extreme narcissists are incredibly adept at the game of manipulation, they will always find a way to turn the tables on you. They will try to make you responsible and feel guilty for not helping them or taking their side and cause.

Extreme narcissists often shift gears from visible grandiosity to acting that they are better than others because they suffer more than others. You can see an extreme narcissist who hogs the limelight and credit from achievements and self-praise also getting similar recognition from milking an injury or a seeming misfortune that has occurred to them. Victimized extreme narcissists are on the constant prowl looking for any gullible soul that will believe their version of calamity whether it is real, exaggerated, or fictitious. What they claim that makes their calamity different is that it is worse for them. Beware of this kind of extreme narcissism. It is just as selfish and manipulating as that of a pompous egotist. The moment they see that you don’t “fully” cooperate and act with extreme concern for them, serving and pampering them, they will eliminate you from their list of “loving” folks. They may even badmouth you and gossip or slander you as being selfish and uncaring. Imagine that! I have seen these types over and over again in work I have done in the field of pain medicine management. It is usually the individuals who are humble, full of gratitude, and joyful who are the ones most capable of coping with their injuries and pain. Those who are selfish, moaning, and full of self-pity take much longer to heal or sometimes never heal but go further downhill in their health. My recommendation is to avoid treating this person’s misfortune as the ultimate suffering of all humans. Be polite. Recognize their pain and no more. Don’t be pulled into their web of emotional manipulation. Stay away from extreme narcissists.

If you live with, date, or are married to an extreme narcissist and you feel you can use some effective counseling in order to avoid getting hurt or attracting one consider either a  face-to-face session with Dr. Sam or a video online session. He also does phone consultations. Call 786-299-7548.

References

Lopez De Victoria, S. (2008, August 4). How to Spot a Narcissist. Posted on Psych Central Web site: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/04/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/

Click here to view the embedded video.

We have all been shamed in our lives. The media shames us, people shame us, perhaps even our parents also. When we believe the messages of shame we then shame others… even our own children. Find out more about this destructive influence on this video from Dr. Sam.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

There is also an article on this subject by Dr. Sam

Once upon a time there was a damsel in distress crying for help at the top of a tower. Down below was a fierce and fiery dragon. Away on a not-too-distant hill was a knight in shining armor on a white horse. As the damsel cried to the knight saying, “Please save me!” the knight looked at the dragon and then at the damsel. Then again he looked at the dragon and at the damsel. Abruptly the knight started to suck his thumb and cried out loud saying, “Mommy, Mommy, I’m scared!” The damsel could not believe her eyes. She quickly assessed her options and came to the conclusion that the knight was not going to save her. Immediately, like a bolt of lightning, she jumped out of the window dropping down below and almost breaking her legs. She then ran to the knight and pulled his sword out of its sheath. Filled with determination and fervor she drew near to the fierce dragon and whopped the head off. Quickly she made her way to the knight, jumped on his horse in front of him and galloped at fast speed into the sun to pursue her adventures.

I remember once sitting and drinking coffee at a fast food when suddenly several screaming children barged through the doors running towards the Kid’s meal toy display. Soon after that the dad walked in and quickly sat down. He appeared to not care about how his children were terrorizing the store clients. Lastly, an exhausted mother walked in. She started to take orders and delivering the food back and forth between the counter and the placid husband and energetic children.

What’s wrong with this picture?

If it weren’t for the fact that it is illegal, I was tempted to go to the husband and slap the man silly telling him to get off his duff, control the kids, and serve that tired woman. Instead he acts like one of the self-absorbed children.

How would you imagine this woman feels? My experience in counseling many couples with these characteristics in their relationship has taught me several important points.

Here are some clues on how you can know if you are in a relationship with a man stuck in his childhood.

1. Men who are boys create resentment in their partners.

Do you feel resentful toward your partner? You are realizing that you did not sign up to be his mother. Now you are sensing that you don’t respect him. Perhaps he made you think he was your knight. Now you notice that you are more mature than he is. He is selfish like a child. He probably put on an act to get you. You are seeing the real person now.

2. Men who are boys never learned how to be a grown-up.

These men have developmental deficits. Check to see whether your partner developed a sense of increasing responsibility and was accountable for his actions when growing up. Did he have free reign? Did he have healthy structure and accountability in his childhood? It is important for boys to learn progressively that they need to carry their own load and that there are other persons around them with legitimate needs. He is not the center of the Universe.

3. Men who are boys are forcing their woman to be masculine.

When a woman feels as if she has been emotionally abandoned by her man and has to take on his responsibilities she detaches from her “softness” and internal beauty to become a survivor. She has to turn into a man fighting beasts in her life to survive and to save her family. When a woman does this switch, she can often turn ugly, angry, and insensitive… something she hates to be…and something that she is not.

Many women have fallen in love with a man only to be disappointed that they are in a relationship with a boy.

Like in the original white knight story, women want to be swept off their feet in rapturous love. They dream of having that knight save her from her dragons and carry her off and away into some adventure. Some men are little boys right from the beginning while others regress once the relationship is advanced. Many women, desperate to be loved, will take a man and pamper him (like a mother) hoping that he will become that knight that will save her and love her.

Advice to Women

If you are in a relationship with man who is a boy it could be because you either want to be his mother or you are naïve. If you want to be his mother then knock yourself out and get ready for major disappointment and possible heartbreak. If you have been naïve, kindly say goodbye to the guy and RUN FOR THE HILLS! Make sure the next relationship is one with a man and not a boy!

Kiss the ring! Kiss the ring! Give allegiance to the power and position of its owner. The Godfather will treat you with respect and give you favors… but at a price… yet an offer you cannot refuse. Oh, but wait! Did you notice? This Godfather is wearing lipstick!

As a Hispanic person and a mental health professional, I have observed that just as there are dysfunctions with one person there can also be dysfunctions with a large grouping of those persons, call it a “culture,” a “people,” a “cohort,” or other. In diversity classes we are taught to respect other cultures and not “judge’ them, yet never mind if they eat their own progeny or have sex with young little girls. Implicit in this intellectual doctrine is the rule is that we are to look the other way and not judge their dysfunctions.

My doctoral work (Lopez De Victoria, 2006) has taken me into the realm of what some of my own kind consider “sacred” ground. I call it the dark side of Latino culture. It is found in the outworking of matriarchalism (a woman dominated society). Much is said today about the evils of patriarchies, that is, male dominant societies. Few dare to talk about “mother” and how awful she can be. Any good psychotherapist with plenty of family counseling experience will attest that mothers, indeed, can be greatly dysfunctional and even destructive… as much or even more as a father can be. I want you to know that I highly treasure and esteem motherhood. I owe much to mother. Realizing that I might ruffle a few feathers, let me say that there is little published in terms of the negative effects of a matriarchal society. Most of the literature promotes the idea that anything having to do with Womens’ Studies is Holy ground and cannot be questioned. No one is to challenge any obvious incongruities. To do so is to risk professional and political shaming. It stands to reason that if men can be abusive in their power, so can women. If a person considers himself/herself to be intellectually honest and balanced then it is logical that both men and women have potential for doing wrong.

In terms of historical and cultural forms of matriarchalism we can see that great value is put on Mother Spain (Madre España) in the Hispanic culture. Spain is seen as the great Matriarch of all Spanish speaking countries. Any one of these countries of origin is similarly seen as a mother… the motherland (Madre patria). Their religion also has a matriarch. She is Mother Mary. I mean no disrespect to the Virgin, yet at the same time it can be seen that Mother Mary is more important than her Son Jesus. To get to the Son you have to go through the Mother. She will make sure He listens to her. The masses view themselves as her children. She is extremely powerful.

The Hispanic family is fascinating. You have the mother possessing more power than the father. Even though the man is traditionally seen as Mr. Macho, it is only on the outside. The reality is that he is typically just a shadow in the background. He does the talk but not the walk. He is there to conquer the woman, but he is emotionally absent and does not know how to meet his wife’s emotional needs or those of her children. She loses respect for him and sees him as another child (see my dissertation). He almost does not matter at all. He is primarily a breadwinner and a sperm-donor. In many cases he is scared of his wife. All these factors force her to become like a man in order to “save” her family. In doing so she has to blunt her feminine side. She must wield great power with him and her children. One moment she can be safe like the Virgin Mary. The next moment you must protect yourself and run if she is angry with you. She is also full of gifts (many being expensive) and favors for all her children and their spouses. They all are to reciprocate and pay her homage by visiting her regularly and letting her in on every family secret. Nothing is to be withheld from her knowledge. Every daughter and son is to be loyal to her over their spouses. The husbands of her daughters are to take their place… in the shadows. They are to fall in line supporting the Godmother’s wishes. If any of her children should err from obeying her wishes and go their own way then her shaming anger will vindictively reach far. She will find that erring child. If that child does not repent then he/she will suffer extreme exile and shame for desecrating “Mother” and wounding her. That child becomes a “black sheep” for daring to dishonor “Mother.” All the remaining siblings shame that child as being unloving, disloyal, and selfish. Mother plays victim and recruits the sympathy of all her children to support that role. Her amazing power is in her blessing you with generous gifts and praise, yet through them she totally controls you. The Mother owns you. She has a right to every part of your soul and your family. Family therapists would call this action as being intrusive and enmeshed. It is not healthy and creates psychopathology.

The Godmother’s daughters are also being trained to become the matriarchs for the next generation. These daughters will attract men who are compliant and oftentimes emotionally emasculated/castrated. They are infantilized men. They often play right along. It is easier to do an incapacitating trance dance that is sweet and comfortable rather than to fight for one’s freedom of choice. It is better to comply than to resist her control. This process inhibits individualization of men since it forces them to be extensions of the will of the matriarch. Another benefit of being a compliant man is that by submitting to the Great Mother it will keep his wife from being at war with him.

Cooperating with the mother means that there will not be any lack or need. The Godmother will always be there to amply provide and take care. Little girls and boys watching will learn that a good family is one like theirs with grandmother as the Supreme One. They are taught that this is what normal looks like. Boys, when grown, will look for a mommy in wives. Their wives will resent them. The sons learned from their overprotective and controlling mothers to be reluctant and scared of taking risks. Mother was always there for them. They never needed to learn to survive on their own in the jungle of life, a task they should have learned from an emotionally mature father. Their wives will be angry with them for constantly acting like little boys. Eventually a resentful wife decides she must take charge because her child-husband will not. Here lies the birth of another Godmother.

References

Lopez De Victoria, S. (2006). Infantilization among married Hispanic men: A pilot and phenomenological study. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, Capella University.

______________________________________________
Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D. is a psychotherapist in private practice. He is also an adjunct psychology professor at the Miami Dade College in Miami, FL. He can be contacted through his web site at www.DrSam.tv

It seems that China is locking up people once they get the label slapped on them saying they are “internet addicts.” Mostly teens are being rounded up. Crazy, isn’t is? Doesn’t this seem like some old movie where people get locked up in the name of saving them from themselves? I personally know some W.O.W. addicts. That is World of Warcraft, a virtual community of thousands, if not millions who live cyber lives of sorts. China will have to build massive mental treatment institutions in order to house their internet addicts. How about treating those pudgy government men with thick glasses for overeating? I guess that is not a disorder… Go figure. See the article here: Chinese Internet Addicts

A Japanese woman who formed part of a virtual game ended up killing her virtual husband. She became so angry that she illegally obtained access to his online account and terminated him. See article at: Virtual Murder