How does someone become a narcissist, or are they born that way?

It depends, children, especially newborns, demand constant attention but that is a process of survival. Eventually, as they mature, they should learn that they are not the only ones on earth with valid needs. That is where patience, consideration, and other valuable social traits are developed.

In my personal opinion, I see two options a person can take. When there are parents who are extreme narcissists, they will tend to be inattentive to the emotional needs of their child. Those needs might get ignored, ridiculed, shamed, or attacked. In the end the child is hungry for love and attention. Having a love deficit may cause a child to do one of two things:

1) Become an actor in order to get the admiration and attention the child needs. The parents are not safe. They disdain showing neediness and pain. The parents live for appearances. The child is emotionally bleeding and trying to survive because of experiencing emotional neglect. As a result, the child cannot find safety in parents and thus starts to hide to survive. The child experiments with playing false impersonations. They soon find that they can manipulate their parents and others by acting. With this foundation, they embark on the path of wearing all kinds of disguises and masks in order to get anything they want, especially from persons who have love-hunger and seek to please to get it. They become incredibly selfish, unfeeling, and expert manipulators.

2) Another way that extreme narcissists are created is by being brought up super-pampered. Being brought up without negative consequences for being selfish and hurtful creates a social monster. We call them brats, but this is “Brat-Supreme.” These individuals know little of respecting other’s personal boundaries. They believe they are gods… or God. Their Ego knows no bounds in grandiosity.

Do you think narcissism is something of a growing 21st century problem?

Yes, as a result of Baby Boomers/Hippie Generation wanting the best for their children, they have created children who feel entitled and who believe they deserve unreserved success without much difficulty.

What are some everyday traits that might indicate someone is a narcissist? (Constant Facebook updates? Attention seeking?)

Some common traits that tend to show extreme narcissism can be incessant talk about self, exaggerating personal accomplishments, lack of empathy and sensitivity for others, public displays of grandiosity as in the case of social network media constantly displaying body, muscles, sex appeal, constantly talking about “self.”

Another form of narcissism is victimization. If narcissism were a coin, one side would be grandiosity (“I am bigger than you!”), while the other side is victimization (“I am better than you because I suffer more than you do.”). With victimization, a narcissist will insist that you do not know how hard he or she has it in life. This narcissist shames you for not taking care of them or taking up their cause. There can be narcissists on both sides of a cause or argument. A person can be a totally victimized narcissist about one side of a position or argument as well as the opposite. This can be true in the realms of politics (Conservatives vs. Liberals), morals about life choices (abortion vs. anti-abortion), or as simple as choosing what color to paint a wall. A skilled narcissist uses “suffering” as a device to get attention. Most persons fall for their trap because they have been made to feel insensitive and uncaring otherwise.

How can narcissistic behavior damage relationships (both romantic and platonic)

Extreme narcissist create untold damage in relationships by using the goodwill and loving sacrifice and dedication of the other person much like a Spider sucks the life-juices from a victim. The Spider ignores the carcass when it offers no more sustenance. Another metaphor is that extreme narcissists are relational vampires. They take your blood until you have none left. They destroy you. They will make you think they “really” care for you when, in reality, they are using you and taking from you. They return very little to your emotional health. Because they are scared to death of you finding out how weak and hurting they are in their inside, they freak out and panic when you get too close. In such cases they disappear or withdraw. They often do not return calls. In this process they can also make you feel like you are the culprit and a bad person to make you feel guilty and deflect your interest in entering their soul. A narcissist is never wrong… because he is God. You, however, are always wrong, according to the narcissist. As a therapist I have found that many women who have love deficits fall for the traps of narcissists. They have Yo-Yo and Bi-Polar relationships with these men. It is nerve racking. The men use calculated tenderness, expert guilt-tripping and simple abuse to wear down a good woman. In the end, they destroy her, leaving an emotional disaster behind. He then goes on the prey for the next fool, never believing he ever did anything wrong.

How can narcissistic behavior be damaging in the workplace?

Narcissists in the workplace are mostly seen in ego-centric bosses. Behind their backs, the employees call them “?ss-holes.” They are hated and employees do the minimum to please them. If an employee is more gifted than the boss, he must be careful. Narcissistic bosses feel threatened by persons who are better than they are and who can steal the glory from them. Extreme narcissists are extremely insecure. As long as an employee can make the narcissistic boss look good then they are “needed” and an indispensible part of the team… his team. The moment a narcissistic boss feels threatened or has taken all credit from an employee then that employee is dispensable. He is done with that person and so he tosses them into the trash heap of human debris.

What should you do if you want to help a narcissistic friend snap out of it?

It is questionable whether a true narcissist can really have a friend, unless that friend is an appendage or subservient person to the narcissist. Having an extreme narcissist as a “friend” is a dangerous relational sign. It says that the “friend” is weak and gets used. Can the “friend” help the narcissist to snap out of it? Not really. It is recommended to run for the hills and make friends with those who really care. Avoid narcissists. Narcissists die alone and miserable. Don’t’ let them take you with them.

What can you do if you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist and you’re frustrated?

Leave them. Narcissists are extremely toxic to your health. They will destroy you in time and leave a human wreckage behind. Your heart will get ripped out of you and fed to the pigs. Understand that an extreme narcissist is a severely sick person. Avoid at all costs.

Can narcissism be “cured”?

Maybe. It depends on the skills of the clinician. Most behavioral clinicians have difficulty knowing how to work with one. For an extreme narcissist to be “cured” he must want to heal and be willing to admit he is unhealthy. For most extreme narcissists, that is simply asking too much. For an extreme narcissist to want to change there must be a gigantic and earth-shattering series of events in their lives to break them of their grandiosity, extreme selfishness, entitlement, and self-righteousness. Should an extreme narcissist be willing to be helped, the clinician must be skilled enough to find the wounds of his inner soul, help heal them, and replace them with healthy self-images and patterns for relational dynamics. The only kind of extreme narcissist that can be cured is a broken one.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Sean Cruz

Award-winning Illustrator/Visual Artist

http://arobotstale.blogspot.com/

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

By Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D.

If an extreme narcissist were religious, he would worship himself. He would apply to himself the phrase that says, “You shall have no other gods besides ME!” Narcissist are full to the maximum… with themselves.

In my years of studying human nature and counseling many individuals, I have come across an amazing type of narcissist. This kind of narcissist is the one who is so seductive he makes you like or believe in him or her with your whole heart. In my personal opinion, this type is the most dangerous of all narcissists. The following are some characteristics of this impressive little “god.”

Charming

Charm creates a feeling of being delightfully attracted to something. You can be fascinated with something or someone because of beauty. Though the looks of a person can be stunning to the point of you saying, “Wow!”, nevertheless, a captivating narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks, definitely, can increase the magnetic pull towards the narcissist, but that is not the core. You can also be charmed by the pulling power of someone reflecting you so as to create a deep rapport. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time or you feel initially safe with them. They have unlocked the door to your insides. A skilled extreme narcissist knows just how to reflect your music back to you so that you feel like he has your playlist of favorite songs.

More astute than you

An astute person is one who creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, an angle few think about. Skilled narcissists can typically outsmart most folks. They are three steps ahead of you. They are also fast in coming out with these unique approaches. That is why you are constantly intrigued by them. When your relationship sours with one of these narcissists, you better watch out. They generally have already thought through how you might react and are ready to discredit you or destroy you. They have their ducks in order. When they get a lawyer you can bet that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you.

Great storyteller

A skillful narcissist can be some of the greatest storytellers. They can weave a complex story and mesmerize you with amazing statistics, trivia, quotes, history of events, to the point that you could feel overwhelmed. Naturally, they would be the center of those stories, often re-writing history. These skillful narcissists are hardly boring. They incessantly can talk to you with interesting information. Those I have known, I have often gleaned amazing information from. They too are students of human nature, but with a goal in mind. Their goal is to further their power by enhancing their stature and influence among those around them. Sometimes they exaggerate their claims and position. The media abounds with examples, ranging from politicians and business people to actors who are given to hype.

Believable

Skillful narcissists work hard at being believable about their myths of themselves. They arm themselves with information that enhances their position and even can change the numbers to suit their arguments. The end goal is to snag you into his/her lair. One trick they use is to play the game of appearing magnanimous. In other words, they appear to take the high road of being nobler than you by forgiving your mistakes. Many times this is a set up to later trash or destroy you. I remember one who came into my office with their former lover. The narcissist said something like, “God knows how dysfunctional I am… and of course, I have my own therapist that I speak to about this… but… Could you please help my former partner here who is so vindictive… and mean… as a matter of fact, I think this person should have an MRI because they have behavior that is similar to that of a person having a brain tumor.” I could not believe how creative this attack was. I had to read between the lines to see the fake tears of this narcissist trying to take the position of Mother Teresa.

Able to cover tracks

I am always amazed at how a skillful narcissist can cover their tracks. They will play two women at the same time and cover it up with some important business emergency out-of-town meeting. I’ve even seen them have false online identifications. Some may even exaggerate accomplishments, and though they work at a prestigious firm, they might be a junior member or a hated boss who steals credit from others. They can frame the theft as them first having the original ideas. One story sticks out in my mind with a skilled male narcissist who married a woman that he slowly destroyed over the years. It got so bad that one night he got right in her face and spit at her. She had to push him away from her and call the police. When they showed up, she was asked, “Did you touch him?” She said, “Yes, I pushed him.” They hauled her away for being the supposed perpetrator of domestic violence. On the way out and with a concerned face, the narcissist said to the police, “Please be careful. She needs her medication because she is a bipolar person!” Judge for yourself.

Among the greatest actors in the world

One of the main characteristics of narcissism is that there is a wounded and/or insecure child inside the adult. To survive and compensate, the child has to divert attention and give appearances that are not necessarily true. The skilled narcissist has had many years of theatric practice often changing roles to suit the situation. Because they perceive that their very life is at stake they are zealous to protect and perfect their disguises. These theatric roles cover a wide range. Some are comedic. Others are highly “respectable.” There are also those who use intimidation to create distance and admiration or respect. They might use leather, tattoos, piercings, chains, motorcycles, cars, brash loudness, etc. They can also choose to be the lovable and huggable teddy bear persona. With the skillful narcissist, it is not so easy. The reason for this is that they actually believe they are the persona. I have had narcissists, in a moment of rare transparency and “weakness”, admit to me that they don’t even know who they are.

Be wise

As you can see, the skillful narcissist is a person with some pretty amazing traits. In my opinion, they can be formidable. They can be impressive in power, strength, intelligence, size, and difficulty. If you find one opposing you, they can be astounding enemies. They are not omnipotent, though they might think so. They do have limitations. Their ego is their own undoing. Many times, when they discover that you are on to them, they disappear. They do this if they perceive that you can blow their cover and expose them as a sham. For an extreme narcissist, being fully exposed to the world is the greatest pain in their lives. It is also the best medicine to their disease because it will force them to look inside and deal with their pain and wounds. If and when that happens, they will become like the rest of us, realizing that we do need others to help and love us. They will see how they need to love from a genuine heart that does not seek to use people. A former and healed narcissist can turn all his powerful assets, which he used to advance himself, to making a powerful contribution in the lives of others and being realistically liked. In the meantime, be careful and avoid being duped and drawn by the amazing magnetism of this kind of person.

Read or download article below:
http://www.drsam.tv/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/NarcissismStellarMag.pdf

Download Article

Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D.

Have you ever noticed how people tend to think that they are right and others wrong? If they encounter or engage with a person from the opposite side they tend to see them as “ignorant,” Neanderthal, antiquated, in the Dark Ages, stupid, not intellectual, backwards, a little slow, ill-informed, bull-headed, unenlightened, etc. The list could be infinite. Very frequently there is so much anger in the person condemning that it is almost embarrassing. You can see this happening with sports fans as they battle it out. We tend to be kind to such fanaticism so we chuckle and give the fans a pass. In other areas it is not so pretty.

In my former life as a graduate student, I had a very crude and somewhat shocking encounter with the world of opposites. At the time, a professor I knew gave me the name of the head of a psychology school that trained future clinicians. This person was known as a contributor to a field I was looking into. I made contact and shared my interests and angles of doctoral research. Hoping to receive a warm and mentor-like response, I was swiftly trashed, attacked, called names, and then challenged to have my views shown they were irrelevant. To say the least, I was shocked to get such treatment from someone who claimed was training future “healers.” I thought a long time and responded with a kind word pointing out that we all need to seek truth and realize we know little. I often think about that person and hope they were able to move on into a kinder way of treating others.

Perhaps you are not an academic person but you see the same kind of attitude in other areas. It can come up in politics. The person from the Right is angry that “Socialists” are bankrupting our future. The Left accuses the Right of being “heartless “and  “greedy.” You notice the same type of scenario in the Climate Change debate. One side accuses the other of falsifying data and using the issue as a ploy to enslave people economically through more taxation. The proponents exclaim that the doubters are “terrorists” and “Flat-earth people,” claiming we are accelerating the end of the earth as we know it if we don’t reduce greenhouse gases produced by humans. You move over to the debate about Gay, Lesbian, and Transgendered issues versus heterosexuality. In this arena you get people irate that the traditional institution of marriage is threatened while Gays angrily label them homophobic and take on martyrdom.  On the abortion side, depending on whether you believe the human fetus is a bona-fide life or not, you find the vitriol flying back and forth. The possibilities of positions are endless.

In my younger days working in an organization, I used to think I knew what was ultimately right. I learned a valuable lesson from a quiet guy on my team. We would have meetings where we would debate our positions on what should be done organizationally. I was strong in expressing my opinion to the point I could get excitable. My ideological opponents would do the same. This could go on for hours. All the while, the quiet guy was listening and listening, sometimes taking notes. As we would get to the end of our time and seem to still be nowhere, the quiet guy would make a gesture that he wanted to say something. The room became still. We attentively listened. He then proceeded to point out good points and bad ones we brought up. We would not get angry because he was sharing in a calm spirit and we could tell he just wanted the best for all regardless who got the credit. He would inevitably put together a third approach built on all of our good points. We all nodded in positive agreement as we realized that this better position was brought to maturation because of a wise person listening, considering, and then processing the good and the bad in a very respectful way. We all loved this guy!

I am not espousing sacrificing our beliefs or what we feel is truth. Not at all. What we need to do is to be humble seekers of truth and do whatever it takes to embrace that truth. Even if I have to do a 180 degree turn or take a position that is not even popular or similar, it does not matter. I need to embrace truth. How should I do it? I need to be very careful that I do not let my ego control me. You see, ego loves to be first and correct all the time. It loves power over others in any way. If my ego cannot be king and it is shown to be wrong then I must guard from it turning into a victim. Ego loves to say, “I’m better because I suffer more than you.” In taking a position on anything, it is easy to fall prey of thinking I am better than others because of I am better intellectually, suffer more, understand the most, etc. If I do, I just became literally “stupid” because I cannot learn anything anymore. I became arrogant and that will blind me and make me a little person.

If I start to get angry and think derogatory labels for the other side, maybe it is time I need to take personal inventory. It is time to evaluate whether I think I am better and more enlightened than the “darkened soul” on the opposite side. Why not say that the other side is sincere, trying to care, and that it is possible that they see something I don’t.  Arrogance is the worst enemy of enlightenment, by the way.

I would like to add that there is a third position that some persons take. It is commonly referred to as the Moderate position. It is taking the middle position on anything. Sometimes these individuals take the Moderate position because they either don’t care, are tired of the debate, are lazy, or because they like to pride themselves in being more objective and balanced because they see ALL sides. Really? Maybe you see two sides but could there be many more sides than the ones you see? Even Moderates can be arrogant and close-minded in holding to their position and seeing their position as the only right perspective. Ever heard of an “extreme-Moderate?” You heard it here. Any position a person can take can be held vehemently with anger and great reaction. Moderates are not necessarily innocent and can be just as extreme in their position as those persons at both ends of a spectrum.

In conclusion, it is wiser to listen to all sides, be kind by being careful to avoid losing control through anger and name-calling, and then realize that by being humble before a whole unknown Universe there might be hope for you and me to obtain some greater truth.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Can a narcissist be healed? Find out!