How does someone become a narcissist, or are they born that way?

It depends, children, especially newborns, demand constant attention but that is a process of survival. Eventually, as they mature, they should learn that they are not the only ones on earth with valid needs. That is where patience, consideration, and other valuable social traits are developed.

In my personal opinion, I see two options a person can take. When there are parents who are extreme narcissists, they will tend to be inattentive to the emotional needs of their child. Those needs might get ignored, ridiculed, shamed, or attacked. In the end the child is hungry for love and attention. Having a love deficit may cause a child to do one of two things:

1) Become an actor in order to get the admiration and attention the child needs. The parents are not safe. They disdain showing neediness and pain. The parents live for appearances. The child is emotionally bleeding and trying to survive because of experiencing emotional neglect. As a result, the child cannot find safety in parents and thus starts to hide to survive. The child experiments with playing false impersonations. They soon find that they can manipulate their parents and others by acting. With this foundation, they embark on the path of wearing all kinds of disguises and masks in order to get anything they want, especially from persons who have love-hunger and seek to please to get it. They become incredibly selfish, unfeeling, and expert manipulators.

2) Another way that extreme narcissists are created is by being brought up super-pampered. Being brought up without negative consequences for being selfish and hurtful creates a social monster. We call them brats, but this is “Brat-Supreme.” These individuals know little of respecting other’s personal boundaries. They believe they are gods… or God. Their Ego knows no bounds in grandiosity.

Do you think narcissism is something of a growing 21st century problem?

Yes, as a result of Baby Boomers/Hippie Generation wanting the best for their children, they have created children who feel entitled and who believe they deserve unreserved success without much difficulty.

What are some everyday traits that might indicate someone is a narcissist? (Constant Facebook updates? Attention seeking?)

Some common traits that tend to show extreme narcissism can be incessant talk about self, exaggerating personal accomplishments, lack of empathy and sensitivity for others, public displays of grandiosity as in the case of social network media constantly displaying body, muscles, sex appeal, constantly talking about “self.”

Another form of narcissism is victimization. If narcissism were a coin, one side would be grandiosity (“I am bigger than you!”), while the other side is victimization (“I am better than you because I suffer more than you do.”). With victimization, a narcissist will insist that you do not know how hard he or she has it in life. This narcissist shames you for not taking care of them or taking up their cause. There can be narcissists on both sides of a cause or argument. A person can be a totally victimized narcissist about one side of a position or argument as well as the opposite. This can be true in the realms of politics (Conservatives vs. Liberals), morals about life choices (abortion vs. anti-abortion), or as simple as choosing what color to paint a wall. A skilled narcissist uses “suffering” as a device to get attention. Most persons fall for their trap because they have been made to feel insensitive and uncaring otherwise.

How can narcissistic behavior damage relationships (both romantic and platonic)

Extreme narcissist create untold damage in relationships by using the goodwill and loving sacrifice and dedication of the other person much like a Spider sucks the life-juices from a victim. The Spider ignores the carcass when it offers no more sustenance. Another metaphor is that extreme narcissists are relational vampires. They take your blood until you have none left. They destroy you. They will make you think they “really” care for you when, in reality, they are using you and taking from you. They return very little to your emotional health. Because they are scared to death of you finding out how weak and hurting they are in their inside, they freak out and panic when you get too close. In such cases they disappear or withdraw. They often do not return calls. In this process they can also make you feel like you are the culprit and a bad person to make you feel guilty and deflect your interest in entering their soul. A narcissist is never wrong… because he is God. You, however, are always wrong, according to the narcissist. As a therapist I have found that many women who have love deficits fall for the traps of narcissists. They have Yo-Yo and Bi-Polar relationships with these men. It is nerve racking. The men use calculated tenderness, expert guilt-tripping and simple abuse to wear down a good woman. In the end, they destroy her, leaving an emotional disaster behind. He then goes on the prey for the next fool, never believing he ever did anything wrong.

How can narcissistic behavior be damaging in the workplace?

Narcissists in the workplace are mostly seen in ego-centric bosses. Behind their backs, the employees call them “?ss-holes.” They are hated and employees do the minimum to please them. If an employee is more gifted than the boss, he must be careful. Narcissistic bosses feel threatened by persons who are better than they are and who can steal the glory from them. Extreme narcissists are extremely insecure. As long as an employee can make the narcissistic boss look good then they are “needed” and an indispensible part of the team… his team. The moment a narcissistic boss feels threatened or has taken all credit from an employee then that employee is dispensable. He is done with that person and so he tosses them into the trash heap of human debris.

What should you do if you want to help a narcissistic friend snap out of it?

It is questionable whether a true narcissist can really have a friend, unless that friend is an appendage or subservient person to the narcissist. Having an extreme narcissist as a “friend” is a dangerous relational sign. It says that the “friend” is weak and gets used. Can the “friend” help the narcissist to snap out of it? Not really. It is recommended to run for the hills and make friends with those who really care. Avoid narcissists. Narcissists die alone and miserable. Don’t’ let them take you with them.

What can you do if you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist and you’re frustrated?

Leave them. Narcissists are extremely toxic to your health. They will destroy you in time and leave a human wreckage behind. Your heart will get ripped out of you and fed to the pigs. Understand that an extreme narcissist is a severely sick person. Avoid at all costs.

Can narcissism be “cured”?

Maybe. It depends on the skills of the clinician. Most behavioral clinicians have difficulty knowing how to work with one. For an extreme narcissist to be “cured” he must want to heal and be willing to admit he is unhealthy. For most extreme narcissists, that is simply asking too much. For an extreme narcissist to want to change there must be a gigantic and earth-shattering series of events in their lives to break them of their grandiosity, extreme selfishness, entitlement, and self-righteousness. Should an extreme narcissist be willing to be helped, the clinician must be skilled enough to find the wounds of his inner soul, help heal them, and replace them with healthy self-images and patterns for relational dynamics. The only kind of extreme narcissist that can be cured is a broken one.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D.

Have you ever noticed how people tend to think that they are right and others wrong? If they encounter or engage with a person from the opposite side they tend to see them as “ignorant,” Neanderthal, antiquated, in the Dark Ages, stupid, not intellectual, backwards, a little slow, ill-informed, bull-headed, unenlightened, etc. The list could be infinite. Very frequently there is so much anger in the person condemning that it is almost embarrassing. You can see this happening with sports fans as they battle it out. We tend to be kind to such fanaticism so we chuckle and give the fans a pass. In other areas it is not so pretty.

In my former life as a graduate student, I had a very crude and somewhat shocking encounter with the world of opposites. At the time, a professor I knew gave me the name of the head of a psychology school that trained future clinicians. This person was known as a contributor to a field I was looking into. I made contact and shared my interests and angles of doctoral research. Hoping to receive a warm and mentor-like response, I was swiftly trashed, attacked, called names, and then challenged to have my views shown they were irrelevant. To say the least, I was shocked to get such treatment from someone who claimed was training future “healers.” I thought a long time and responded with a kind word pointing out that we all need to seek truth and realize we know little. I often think about that person and hope they were able to move on into a kinder way of treating others.

Perhaps you are not an academic person but you see the same kind of attitude in other areas. It can come up in politics. The person from the Right is angry that “Socialists” are bankrupting our future. The Left accuses the Right of being “heartless “and  “greedy.” You notice the same type of scenario in the Climate Change debate. One side accuses the other of falsifying data and using the issue as a ploy to enslave people economically through more taxation. The proponents exclaim that the doubters are “terrorists” and “Flat-earth people,” claiming we are accelerating the end of the earth as we know it if we don’t reduce greenhouse gases produced by humans. You move over to the debate about Gay, Lesbian, and Transgendered issues versus heterosexuality. In this arena you get people irate that the traditional institution of marriage is threatened while Gays angrily label them homophobic and take on martyrdom.  On the abortion side, depending on whether you believe the human fetus is a bona-fide life or not, you find the vitriol flying back and forth. The possibilities of positions are endless.

In my younger days working in an organization, I used to think I knew what was ultimately right. I learned a valuable lesson from a quiet guy on my team. We would have meetings where we would debate our positions on what should be done organizationally. I was strong in expressing my opinion to the point I could get excitable. My ideological opponents would do the same. This could go on for hours. All the while, the quiet guy was listening and listening, sometimes taking notes. As we would get to the end of our time and seem to still be nowhere, the quiet guy would make a gesture that he wanted to say something. The room became still. We attentively listened. He then proceeded to point out good points and bad ones we brought up. We would not get angry because he was sharing in a calm spirit and we could tell he just wanted the best for all regardless who got the credit. He would inevitably put together a third approach built on all of our good points. We all nodded in positive agreement as we realized that this better position was brought to maturation because of a wise person listening, considering, and then processing the good and the bad in a very respectful way. We all loved this guy!

I am not espousing sacrificing our beliefs or what we feel is truth. Not at all. What we need to do is to be humble seekers of truth and do whatever it takes to embrace that truth. Even if I have to do a 180 degree turn or take a position that is not even popular or similar, it does not matter. I need to embrace truth. How should I do it? I need to be very careful that I do not let my ego control me. You see, ego loves to be first and correct all the time. It loves power over others in any way. If my ego cannot be king and it is shown to be wrong then I must guard from it turning into a victim. Ego loves to say, “I’m better because I suffer more than you.” In taking a position on anything, it is easy to fall prey of thinking I am better than others because of I am better intellectually, suffer more, understand the most, etc. If I do, I just became literally “stupid” because I cannot learn anything anymore. I became arrogant and that will blind me and make me a little person.

If I start to get angry and think derogatory labels for the other side, maybe it is time I need to take personal inventory. It is time to evaluate whether I think I am better and more enlightened than the “darkened soul” on the opposite side. Why not say that the other side is sincere, trying to care, and that it is possible that they see something I don’t.  Arrogance is the worst enemy of enlightenment, by the way.

I would like to add that there is a third position that some persons take. It is commonly referred to as the Moderate position. It is taking the middle position on anything. Sometimes these individuals take the Moderate position because they either don’t care, are tired of the debate, are lazy, or because they like to pride themselves in being more objective and balanced because they see ALL sides. Really? Maybe you see two sides but could there be many more sides than the ones you see? Even Moderates can be arrogant and close-minded in holding to their position and seeing their position as the only right perspective. Ever heard of an “extreme-Moderate?” You heard it here. Any position a person can take can be held vehemently with anger and great reaction. Moderates are not necessarily innocent and can be just as extreme in their position as those persons at both ends of a spectrum.

In conclusion, it is wiser to listen to all sides, be kind by being careful to avoid losing control through anger and name-calling, and then realize that by being humble before a whole unknown Universe there might be hope for you and me to obtain some greater truth.

The caller complained, “I’ve been sad all my life. I’ve been to many therapists and none have been able to help me get rid of my sadness. Do you think you can help me?”

Since I have seen many similar cases like this before, I told the caller, “I have a good hunch on what is going on. Come on over and lets see if I can help.” After briefly treating the person, the sadness was gone and it has stayed that way ever since. I have treated hundreds of these situations where individuals have been able to experience release of seemingly hopeless issues. What has made the difference?

There is a growing body of research showing that babies in the womb feel, taste, learn, and have some level of consciousness. One study had babies in the womb receiving “vibroacoustic stimulation” (Gonzalez-Gonzalez et al., 2006). That is a fancy way of saying sound waves were transmitted. For comparison purposes, there was also a control group that did not receive the treatment. After they were born, the babies who had received the stimulation were again given the same treatment. The result was that these babies recognized the signal and tended to calm down after receiving the signal. The researchers concluded that fetal life is able to learn and memorize with this capacity lasting into neonatal life (post-birth).

In other research, Anthony DeCasper and William Fifer created a nipple that was connected to an audio device (Kolata, 1984). This nipple test was given to 10 newborn babies. If a child sucked in one way they would hear their mother’s voice. Sucking in a different pattern would cause the child to hear another woman’s voice. The researchers found that the babies sucked in a way to hear their mothers. The same experiment was done using the sound of the mother’s heart beat and that of a male voice. The result was that the babies sucked in such a way as to hear the mother’s heart beat more often than the male voice.

DeCasper later did another test where he had sixteen pregnant women read a children’s book. They read the book out aloud twice a day for the last 6.5 weeks of their pregnancy. Once born, the babies were given the nipple test previously mentioned where they could listen either to their mother reading the original children’s book that was used or another book. The babies sucked to hear the original children’s book. What DeCasper concluded was that a prenatal auditory experience can influence auditory preferences after birth.

An author and well known obstetrician, Christiane Northrup (2005) shares that if a pregnant mother is going through high levels of fear or anxiety she creates a “metabolic cascade.” Hormones known as cytokines are produced and the mother’s immune system is affected, including her child’s. Chronic anxiety in the mother can set the stage for a whole array of trauma based results such as prematurity, complications of birth, death, and miscarriage. The opposite is also true. When the mother is feeling healthy and happy, she produces oxytocin. This is often called the molecule of belonging. The presence of this component creates feelings of bonding and strengthens immunity in the baby. Neurotransmitters moving inside the mother’s body creates a chemical and physical imprint on the baby’s brain and body. The message imprinted is that there is safety and peace. The baby feels secure and taken care of.

Can a baby learn while in the womb? The research seems to point in that direction. In terms of mental health, can this be a clue to psychological issues adults exhibit? In some cases, I think so. I feel this way, not because I have done peer-reviewed research on the matter, but because of the hundreds that I have treated for their fetal life traumas. They experienced significant or total reduction of their negative and dysfunctional issues. Many of these patients had previously exhibited spontaneous and abrupt feelings of anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, hyper-vigilance and even co-dependent enablement.

The next time you experience one of these emotions and you cannot figure out where it came from perhaps it came before your physical birth. You may have had a detached mother or a scared one. You could have had a mother that did not want to get pregnant and resented the father. Maybe your mother was depressed and lonely. Hopefully, you had a happy and content mother who nurtured you in her heart and enjoyed having you in her life.

References

Gonzalez-Gonzalez, N. L., Suarez, M. N., Perez-Pinero, B., Armas, H., Domenech, E., & Bartha, J. L. (2006). Persistence of fetal memory into neonatal life. Acta Obstetricia et Gynecologica, 85, 1160-1164. doi:10.1080/00016340600855854

Kolata, Gina (1984). Studying learning in the womb. Science, 225, 302-303. doi:10.1126/science.6740312

Northrup, C. (2005). Mother-daughter wisdom. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Have you ever noticed that when you have gotten very sick or hospitalized the person you thought was your friend never asked or called? When the same situation had previously happened to them, you were there for them.

Many of you have been in a relationship or been a friend with someone who was an extreme narcissist. These types of relationships are filled with drama unless you totally please the narcissist, which is impossible. The typical extreme narcissists are full of themselves and are overtly pompous. I would like to focus on a kind of extreme narcissist that most people fail to recognize. First, let me explain what extreme narcissism is all about.

Extreme narcissism is an egotistical preoccupation with self. It focuses on personal preferences, aspirations, needs, success, and how one’s self is perceived by others. Some basic narcissism is healthy. This kind of narcissism is better termed as responsibly taking care of oneself, or what I would call “normal” or “healthy” narcissism.

The egotistical narcissists are typically created in one of two ways. One way is through excessive pampering on the part of the parents. Parents create an attitude in the child that he/she is better than others and entitled to special privileges. This creates an arrogant child who lacks a healthy dose of gratitude and humility. It describes the proverbial brat that no one likes.

Another way that extreme narcissists are created is when a child receives a significant emotional wound or a series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment. This can happen when the parents, as narcissists themselves, are emotionally disconnected from their child. It creates a dysfunction in the ability for the narcissist to connect emotionally to others. No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he/she has a major attachment dysfunction and wound. This wounded person constructs one or more false fronts in order to survive and insulate themselves from people because of distrust and fear (Lopez De Victoria, 2008).

A narcissist is a completely self-absorbed person. There can be no other gods in an extreme narcissist’s world, regardless if they say they believe in God or not. In practical terms, a narcissist is God in his/her own imagination. Ego rules supremely in the narcissist’s life. In light of this, what energizes a narcissist is whatever fuels the ego. Ego loves pleasure and gain. In most cases, these can come from one of two ways of feeding the ego. One way is through aggrandizement, which means “to make bigger.” Ultimately the extreme narcissist feels he/she is most special and, therefore, entitled. To the extreme narcissist, people are actually things to use.

Another way that the narcissist’s ego gets special attention is through the role of being a victim. Welcome to the victimized extreme narcissist. Most persons recognize ego as arrogance. At the same time they fail to see the subtle deception of ego when it takes the role of a being a victim. As kind and compassion-driven human beings, we easily are fooled by this form of extreme ego. We are constantly hearing the voices of the needy in the media through a variety of forms. The disenfranchised, the poor, the homeless, the hurting, the refugees, the abused, and the list goes on. What we often do not see is that we are many times shamed by these voices for not doing enough for them. All along it is easy to be manipulated as we respond from our hearts. The deception of the ego is that the narcissist can hide behind misfortune and victimization in order to shame you into feeling and believing that they suffer more than you do. They will say that you don’t care enough for them. They will make you feel that you have not done enough to help them. The ego wants attention, control, gain, and power over others by positioning itself as a “poor and helpless” victim. It does this all the while it soaks up the attention and control over others. In the eyes of an extreme narcissist, their situation is always right and totally justified. Instead of taking responsibility for self and consequences, the extreme narcissist tries to make others feel responsible for their plight. Because extreme narcissists are incredibly adept at the game of manipulation, they will always find a way to turn the tables on you. They will try to make you responsible and feel guilty for not helping them or taking their side and cause.

Extreme narcissists often shift gears from visible grandiosity to acting that they are better than others because they suffer more than others. You can see an extreme narcissist who hogs the limelight and credit from achievements and self-praise also getting similar recognition from milking an injury or a seeming misfortune that has occurred to them. Victimized extreme narcissists are on the constant prowl looking for any gullible soul that will believe their version of calamity whether it is real, exaggerated, or fictitious. What they claim that makes their calamity different is that it is worse for them. Beware of this kind of extreme narcissism. It is just as selfish and manipulating as that of a pompous egotist. The moment they see that you don’t “fully” cooperate and act with extreme concern for them, serving and pampering them, they will eliminate you from their list of “loving” folks. They may even badmouth you and gossip or slander you as being selfish and uncaring. Imagine that! I have seen these types over and over again in work I have done in the field of pain medicine management. It is usually the individuals who are humble, full of gratitude, and joyful who are the ones most capable of coping with their injuries and pain. Those who are selfish, moaning, and full of self-pity take much longer to heal or sometimes never heal but go further downhill in their health. My recommendation is to avoid treating this person’s misfortune as the ultimate suffering of all humans. Be polite. Recognize their pain and no more. Don’t be pulled into their web of emotional manipulation. Stay away from extreme narcissists.

If you live with, date, or are married to an extreme narcissist and you feel you can use some effective counseling in order to avoid getting hurt or attracting one consider either a  face-to-face session with Dr. Sam or a video online session. He also does phone consultations. Call 786-299-7548.

References

Lopez De Victoria, S. (2008, August 4). How to Spot a Narcissist. Posted on Psych Central Web site: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/04/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/

Click here to view the embedded video.

We have all been shamed in our lives. The media shames us, people shame us, perhaps even our parents also. When we believe the messages of shame we then shame others… even our own children. Find out more about this destructive influence on this video from Dr. Sam.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Click here to view the embedded video.

There is also an article on this subject by Dr. Sam