“I LOVE ME!”: A Q&A About Narcissism

ILoveMeMucho

How does someone become a narcissist, or are they born that way?

It depends, children, especially newborns, demand constant attention but that is a process of survival. Eventually, as they mature, they should learn that they are not the only ones on earth with valid needs. That is where patience, consideration, and other valuable social traits are developed.

In my personal opinion, I see two options a person can take. When there are parents who are extreme narcissists, they will tend to be inattentive to the emotional needs of their child. Those needs might get ignored, ridiculed, shamed, or attacked. In the end the child is hungry for love and attention. Having a love deficit may cause a child to do one of two things:

1) Become an actor in order to get the admiration and attention the child needs. The parents are not safe. They disdain showing neediness and pain. The parents live for appearances. The child is emotionally bleeding and trying to survive because of experiencing emotional neglect. As a result, the child cannot find safety in parents and thus starts to hide to survive. The child experiments with playing false impersonations. They soon find that they can manipulate their parents and others by acting. With this foundation, they embark on the path of wearing all kinds of disguises and masks in order to get anything they want, especially from persons who have love-hunger and seek to please to get it. They become incredibly selfish, unfeeling, and expert manipulators.

2) Another way that extreme narcissists are created is by being brought up super-pampered. Being brought up without negative consequences for being selfish and hurtful creates a social monster. We call them brats, but this is “Brat-Supreme.” These individuals know little of respecting other’s personal boundaries. They believe they are gods… or God. Their Ego knows no bounds in grandiosity.

Do you think narcissism is something of a growing 21st century problem?

Yes, as a result of Baby Boomers/Hippie Generation wanting the best for their children, they have created children who feel entitled and who believe they deserve unreserved success without much difficulty.

What are some everyday traits that might indicate someone is a narcissist? (Constant Facebook updates? Attention seeking?)

Some common traits that tend to show extreme narcissism can be incessant talk about self, exaggerating personal accomplishments, lack of empathy and sensitivity for others, public displays of grandiosity as in the case of social network media constantly displaying body, muscles, sex appeal, constantly talking about “self.”

Another form of narcissism is victimization. If narcissism were a coin, one side would be grandiosity (“I am bigger than you!”), while the other side is victimization (“I am better than you because I suffer more than you do.”). With victimization, a narcissist will insist that you do not know how hard he or she has it in life. This narcissist shames you for not taking care of them or taking up their cause. There can be narcissists on both sides of a cause or argument. A person can be a totally victimized narcissist about one side of a position or argument as well as the opposite. This can be true in the realms of politics (Conservatives vs. Liberals), morals about life choices (abortion vs. anti-abortion), or as simple as choosing what color to paint a wall. A skilled narcissist uses “suffering” as a device to get attention. Most persons fall for their trap because they have been made to feel insensitive and uncaring otherwise.

How can narcissistic behavior damage relationships (both romantic and platonic)

Extreme narcissist create untold damage in relationships by using the goodwill and loving sacrifice and dedication of the other person much like a Spider sucks the life-juices from a victim. The Spider ignores the carcass when it offers no more sustenance. Another metaphor is that extreme narcissists are relational vampires. They take your blood until you have none left. They destroy you. They will make you think they “really” care for you when, in reality, they are using you and taking from you. They return very little to your emotional health. Because they are scared to death of you finding out how weak and hurting they are in their inside, they freak out and panic when you get too close. In such cases they disappear or withdraw. They often do not return calls. In this process they can also make you feel like you are the culprit and a bad person to make you feel guilty and deflect your interest in entering their soul. A narcissist is never wrong… because he is God. You, however, are always wrong, according to the narcissist. As a therapist I have found that many women who have love deficits fall for the traps of narcissists. They have Yo-Yo and Bi-Polar relationships with these men. It is nerve racking. The men use calculated tenderness, expert guilt-tripping and simple abuse to wear down a good woman. In the end, they destroy her, leaving an emotional disaster behind. He then goes on the prey for the next fool, never believing he ever did anything wrong.

How can narcissistic behavior be damaging in the workplace?

Narcissists in the workplace are mostly seen in ego-centric bosses. Behind their backs, the employees call them “?ss-holes.” They are hated and employees do the minimum to please them. If an employee is more gifted than the boss, he must be careful. Narcissistic bosses feel threatened by persons who are better than they are and who can steal the glory from them. Extreme narcissists are extremely insecure. As long as an employee can make the narcissistic boss look good then they are “needed” and an indispensible part of the team… his team. The moment a narcissistic boss feels threatened or has taken all credit from an employee then that employee is dispensable. He is done with that person and so he tosses them into the trash heap of human debris.

What should you do if you want to help a narcissistic friend snap out of it?

It is questionable whether a true narcissist can really have a friend, unless that friend is an appendage or subservient person to the narcissist. Having an extreme narcissist as a “friend” is a dangerous relational sign. It says that the “friend” is weak and gets used. Can the “friend” help the narcissist to snap out of it? Not really. It is recommended to run for the hills and make friends with those who really care. Avoid narcissists. Narcissists die alone and miserable. Don’t’ let them take you with them.

What can you do if you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist and you’re frustrated?

Leave them. Narcissists are extremely toxic to your health. They will destroy you in time and leave a human wreckage behind. Your heart will get ripped out of you and fed to the pigs. Understand that an extreme narcissist is a severely sick person. Avoid at all costs.

Can narcissism be “cured”?

Maybe. It depends on the skills of the clinician. Most behavioral clinicians have difficulty knowing how to work with one. For an extreme narcissist to be “cured” he must want to heal and be willing to admit he is unhealthy. For most extreme narcissists, that is simply asking too much. For an extreme narcissist to want to change there must be a gigantic and earth-shattering series of events in their lives to break them of their grandiosity, extreme selfishness, entitlement, and self-righteousness. Should an extreme narcissist be willing to be helped, the clinician must be skilled enough to find the wounds of his inner soul, help heal them, and replace them with healthy self-images and patterns for relational dynamics. The only kind of extreme narcissist that can be cured is a broken one.

Marianne said,

June 11, 2012 @ 12:05 am

It’s interesting that the perception of “why there is a narcissism epidemic” changes with POV. Frankly, there has always been a narcissism epidemic as long as humans have been alive; any society that allows oppression of groups of people is fraught with Narcissists. This modern 21st century narcissism epidemic, from the POV of myself and many others I have asked including boomers, began earnestly in the 60s, when the boomers were being coddled by their parents on the one hand and handed over to their doom on the other. It was the perfect mix of spoiled entitlement and ongoing trauma, on a national scale. Parents of boomers were sailing brightly and gallantly into a brave new world full of shiny gadgets and affordable college, clean living and suburban houses. At the same time, one trauma after another after another, civil rights marches, riots, assassinations, Viet Nam on TV, while Beaver Cleaver was running around being “a boy”. Women fighting for normal human rights that men had always taken for granted, and having to fight against people who supposedly cared about them. By the time “generation X” got to High School, those ex-hippies who went to college were running the schools, there were more of them than anyone else by virtue of shear number. So no more melting pot of generational values and ideals, no more Carpe Diem, no more Foxtrot happy-go-lucky, no more social dating with chaperones, just a clique of people who believed their generation was the intellectual be-all and end-all, running the students ragged with their agendas and emotions they had brought with them from their Halcyon/Horror days of youth, competing with students for attention and glory as if they were still among them. Challenging students who showed high potentials in a humiliating, undermining way, as if they were trying to show their elders up just by virtue of being “smart”. Arguing with students whenever they expressed any observation or view of their own. Criticizing every expression of art and music with cruel put-downs, OR glorifying the student as if they were the next Michelangelo. Nearly worshiping the sports department, the coaches, and the players. Dividing the boys and the girls to the nth degree.
Recently my father passed away, he was of the boomer generation, and his assessment of the narcissism epidemic was pretty close to my own. Upon his passing, by the next day, I received several requests for his possessions from his “friends”, all of whom are boomers, from all over. On message was a lament about how he had pledged to invest a certain amount with a certain small company, and that they would be short without his investment. The day of his passing while he was still in hospice, I was informed that his memorial had already been planned by a few of these friends and did not include me, but that I was invited to attend. How gracious. So I actually had to plan his funeral around their memorial that they had planned before he was even gone. One of his friends, who is older than the rest of them, and his wife who is younger, helped me with the aftermath. That’s it. Visitors while he was in the hospital on and off for a year, and at the end for extended time, were extremely sparse, they consisted mostly of… me. My father was very well known, and appeared to have many friends while he was alive and able to help them. His surgeon was also a boomer; I was appalled when he made fun of my father asking him to “palpate” his tumor because he was afraid it was growing, and later pinched his cheek and told him to “enjoy the time he had left”. His GP told him to “buck up” and do crunches when he developed a hernia after a grueling round of chemo. His oncologist lambasted me in the hallway outside his room, in front of the entire staff and his entourage, when I asked him about a treatment that was in another state, after he told us there was no more hope. All boomers. I don’t think the Narcissism epidemic started with the CHILDREN of the boomers.
Other than that one point however that imho is extremely important in tracing this phenomenon, Dr. Sam, I very much enjoy your writing and your clear expression. Thank you very much and please keep sharing your keen knowledge and impressions.

Dr.Sam said,

June 11, 2012 @ 6:13 am

That was fantastic, Marianne!

Thank you!

Siddharth said,

June 25, 2012 @ 9:55 am

hi dr. sam,

just want to ask if narcassism can be cured using meditation and if a broken narcassist is cured how?

regards

Theresa clark said,

September 15, 2012 @ 7:29 pm

I live with one , a Sapper he has stole from me used me
For attention ,give me no emotional love or support.just cold clear through.He has injured me ,acl and acts like its nothing no remorse .He looks for vulnerable people to take advantage of.He loves attention and has to be center of everything. He talks over me in public, try’s to humiliate me at every turn . Is envious of me , copies things I say and do is unable to perform sexually.Emotionally not there. Tries to Ruin every thing I do and can’t stand for me to smile or enjoy anything tries to ruin every day. He dosen’t want me to do anything for my health and hates me exercising. He can’t stand to see me enjoy anything.I hate him he is mean to my family and grand kids .I have to get away from him or I will die.I am so exhausted.He does things behind my back, lies, humors you just an awful person , mean as Satan !

Arriving at greater clarity... said,

October 28, 2012 @ 7:57 pm

After researching the condition, it is now more apparent than ever that my current RATHER most recent romantic relationship was with an extreme Narcissist. Prior to this, I knew very little about this disorder, merely that in its’ extreme state is often used to describe those who are very egocentric. Furthermore, it is now clear that my own lack of self-esteem increases the volitility of the relationship, whereby I have enabled myself to be manipulated emotionally. Fortunately, I have support around me, family, friends, and therapists, who have helped me to gain perspective and to end this relationship. I am thankful for all the insight I have gained from reading your comments and viewing your videos DR. SAM. I sincerely appreciate the candor you employ while sharing your professional opinion as well – as your matter-of-fact approach has empowered me to continue to be COURAGEOUS. I will NOT give up on my personal journey to overcome my SHAME and grow STRONGER to develop the SELF-RESPECT for myself from this experience.

Keep up the good work!

Dr.Sam said,

October 28, 2012 @ 9:20 pm

You are very courageous, bold and honest to confront your realities. I have great respect and admiration for another soul that chooses to become whole. A great Teacher said, “You shall know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

One Tough Nut said,

November 17, 2012 @ 2:30 pm

Thank you for your continued insight into the narcissistic condition. I realized a couple years ago that my life and the life of my family was in extreme turmoil. I finally realized that the source of the turmoil was my husbands decent into extreme narcissism. I know that I can’t change him so I am divorcing. I fear for the mental and emotional health of my children. I see the love hunger issues that I have and am working on improving my self esteem. It is a long and hellish process, a complete upheaval. But, I am so grateful that I discovered the destructive path that we were all on and have an opportunity to turn it around. I pray that I am able to save my children from a similar fate. I see how terribly he manipulates and plays mind games on them.

Dr.Sam said,

November 18, 2012 @ 7:40 pm

Simply put, I would not trust him one iota. Do not live with him since he has tried to physically hurt you. I wonder if it is time to move on to a better life?

Anna cook said,

November 26, 2012 @ 10:47 pm

I am divorcing my husband of 24 yrs. When I look back he had been using me and manipulating me since we were dating. I left him once 8 yrs ago; I acquiesced to his arguments and deals (never said sorry). Our marriage counselor ( he agreed to go before I left him- maybe 5 visits) said that I should not go back to him because he had some sort of detachment syndrome and that he would throw me away like a old rag when he’s done with me. I did not listen; I wanted to prove my husband loved me. He was nice for a while but went back to covertly abusing me saying that I came back bacause I wanted and that he did not agreed to anything. In order to keep the peace I avoided him, his interest was only in me to cook, keep the 3 girls (that I “chose to have”) quiet, and for sex. He got violent with my youngest teen but “there were no bruises” therefore there was no abuse in the eyes of social services and his. However she is very emotionally wounded and in therapy. I left him but I hoped he would comeback acknowledging the harm he had caused but fat chance. He claims he was “fine and happy” and I over reacted and the fact that he was going to harm my daughter was an overreaction. I had my own demons, the last year I was with him I began to rebelled and was just as abusive to him as he was, but not as covertly as only he could. I hoped beyond hope that he would change but it was always my fault so I would turn and blame him for everything which he would ignore. I became a depressed sick woman this last year. He tried to cheer me up and would constantly tell me “I love you” but the words felt empty with no substance; I don’t know why. . I did and still love his nice side, the man that made me laugh, rub my back and would tell me that he loved me. Unknowingly I became a codependent. I had an emotional breakdown recently where I loss my dignity and ignored my own kids; I wanted him back in my life but he only toyed with me and my feelings. He continues to blame me and continues to diagnose me with every psychological deceased in the books. He takes no responsability and has no concern for my kids pain. He says my girls must have inherited bipolar, depression, mood swings, etc ( they don’t want anything to do with him). He says he likes his life of no responsibilities and does not have the patience nor the strength to deal with people with these ailments. Needless to say the devastation left is unimaginable. Im seen two therapist and so are my kids. Im trying to be a better mom and show as much love with help of family and friends who are reappearing in my life. I should have listened to my old therapist; I could have avoided all this pain.

Jilted said,

December 30, 2012 @ 11:28 pm

I wish my former fiance could have read this. We had a 32 year relationship. He gave me my first kiss in high school and although he wanted me to go steady with him, I turned him down. My parents said I was too young. Thus began this love/hate relationship. He wanted to get even with me and I wanted to make-up. We had a few dates throughout various decades but he only wanted to have sex with me. I never let him. He stood me up and I decided not to be involved with him any more. We ran in the same circle of friends, so we decided to be platonic friends. We lost touch for about five years then started to email each other for 10 years. He never married but lived with a couple of women, most moved out or he dropped them. I got divorced. He had been inviting me to stay with him for years, so I decided to take him up on it. He asked for my number and we began a two year romance. He was very vain, told me he “couldn’t turn it off,” would flirt with women or men in front of me. He had to be the center of attention. He danced with my gay friend at a co-worker’s wedding. He would divert the attention away from actors when we went to dinner theater. He would say outrageous things, shout random things– just to call attention to himself. It was funny at first, but then it just got pretty annoying. He was extremely charming. He wanted to be exclusive our first weekend. He told me that I bewitched him. Then he would tell me that i wanted to be serious too fast. It was hot and cold with him. At a wedding he invited me to (I lived in Florida, he was in New York), he flirted with a bridesmaid all night (20 years his junior) to do some “cock block routine” to prevent his buddy from getting action with the aforementioned bridesmaid. He only ate dinner with me, then went back to flirting. I was humiliated but his best friend’s wife told me that it had nothing to do with me. It’s the way they had fun. They sent my fiance in, let’s call him Dick, because he was the best looking. She told me to relax and watch. I watched my then boyfriend flirt with a woman all night and leave me at the table alone. He told me I was insecure. He was extremely vain and controlling. His hair had to be just so. He constantly applied lip balm. He had to be right always, and he had a certain way to do everything, which he said I had to follow — like folding his clothes for example. He also had an ex-girlfriend who wanted to be my “best friend.” She told me that he was an “asshole” and that if I lived with him, I would be “disappointed.” She lasted only 8 months she said. His family called her their 5th sister. I felt uncomfortable with their relationship. They worked together, had lunch together, ran races together. She tailored his clothing. Brought him to and from the airport when he came to visit and watched his dog when he did. He confided in her about our relationship. She told me I should have his baby and that would make HER really happy because finally he would learn responsibility. There just seemed to be a lot of energy still between them. He would ditch me at a party and spend an hour talking and flirting with her.

He asked me to marry him and I said yes. It wasn’t all bad and he was very charming. I thought he would changed.

Our relationship ended when we went to an island wedding of his brother’s. The ex-girlfriend paid $5000 to attend and his family treated her like the fiance, not me. They were lukewarm to me at best. I was very stressed out by this point. I had had a miscarriage (had become pregnant after we got engaged when I was on antibiotics– he never sent a card!), I was planning our wedding (he insisted on a big wedding), trying to sell my house (I asked him to help me paint, but he took a golf trip with his buddies on the only week I got off), interviewing for jobs, and had a relocation petition in the court system to relocate my kids with us…lots of stress. Then had to endure the snub from his family and even from him on the island. He spent more time with his brother (not the one getting married) than with me. I told him that i was having a difficult time with the ex-girlfriend and I would appreciate his help. He yelled at me that the ex-girlfriend would be “forever in his life so you better get used to it.” That wasn’t the answer I hoped for. While we were with his family, he would push my buttons and look really sad. When we went up to our room, he turned on the charm and we had passionate sex. I thought our argument was patched up.

When we went back to our respective homes, he called me and told me he wanted to cancel our wedding. Said that everything crystalized for him in the island. He thought I was too controlling. He said he enjoyed flirting with women in front of me and I prevented him from being him. He said I would become a nag, though he admitted that I wasn’t now.

He refused to see me face to face. My son cried when I told him that we wouldn’t be a family. I asked him to talk to my kids, but he refused. He refused to take my phone calls or text messages. It was like he turned off a switch. He told me he loved me 24 hours before, said he couldn’t wait to marry me, and we made love. Then, just like that…it was ended.

He wanted to be “friends” and told me that he would even invite me to parties with any new girlfriend he had. I couldn’t believe it. He could never seem to understand how painful it was that he had parties and invited his ex-girlfriends or friends with benefits from work. He insisted that we double date with the ex who left him to have another man’s baby. That’s the one the family loved too. I just didn’t get it.

I was willing to leave my job, sell my home, get a new job, and move my children to be with him, but he couldn’t come to help me paint a room. I realize that he was a narcissist. He was so easily hurt, would change any criticism to a problem about me…when I complained that he hurt me when he did that cockblock routine, he told me I was trying to control him and prevent him from having fun! He told me that my stomach “bothered” him because I had stretch marks and a c-section scar. I was a size 4/6 but that wasn’t thin enough. He would tell me that other women he dated had “rockin’ bodies.” He was never jealous of any man who found me attractive because he would find something wrong with them. “Oh, that guy makes $9/hr….big deal!” He was very sure of himself and would say, “You’re so lucky! You get to be with me!” He would say he was kidding but he said it all the time and couldn’t pass up a mirror.

After he ended things, he would call me and want to talk about his bad day. Or he was remodeling his kitchen and knew that I would give him a compliment so he sent me a picture to my phone. Like an idiot, I did. I thought he was very talented. I loved him completely and he would say he loved me, but I didn’t feel loved. He wouldn’t share his feelings and he really didn’t want to commit.

He told me later that when he asked me to marry him, he never really wanted to marry me. It was just to placate me. Yet, he insisted on a big wedding and made me put $10000 worth of deposits on my credit card. He paid for the deposit on the reception and then had a big blow-out party with his friends, toasting to the demise of our relationship just several weeks ago. He also took a 21 day vacation. When we were together, he said he couldn’t take more than 3 days off at a time and didn’t think we could even take a honeymoon.

I was an idiot. I can see now that he took advantage of me. I was just out of a divorce and it was like waving fresh meat at a tiger. He pounced on me, made it seem like it was me being the aggressor, played hot and cold to destabilize me, and then manipulated me to believe he loved me. I still don’t know the “why” though. Why ask me to marry him? Why insist on the whole wedding? Was he a closet gay? I have no idea. He clearly didn’t love me.

Z said,

January 14, 2013 @ 7:38 pm

I’m a little confussed as to how you can tell “extreme narcissism” with just narcisstic tendencies we can all potentially posses?

My husband was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)many years ago and approx a year and a half ago was reassessed as having “residual simptoms of PTSD”. I can recognise the description you give of narcissim in him, both before & after the diagnosis of PTSD, although he became even more self-absorbed after. How can I tell what is down to the PTSD and potentially what is simply down to narcissim???

Dr.Sam said,

January 14, 2013 @ 10:06 pm

Z,
One metaphor that could describe PTSD is that it is like the whole person is in shock to the point that he/she has emotional overreactions of fear and self-protection. There can be physiological effects such as nervous trembling, wet palms, sweating profusely… Also high levels of anxiety to the point that you could have panic attacks and/or phobias develop. Narcissism is more internally motivated selfishness which could be due to many things such as over-pampered and over-entitled as a child, or compensating for lack of love in childhood where you then choose to look good and/or better than others. You create a false person like a disguise to hide the hurting person inside and to look powerful and better than others. It is a fake “good” self-esteem gone awry because it uses and abused others. It avoids all forms of risky self-exposure and transparency to not look weak. Hope that helped. Dr. Sam

Jen said,

January 16, 2013 @ 6:39 pm

Would you say that a person who displays grandiosity but also victimization by consistently turning minorities (like himself and others) into victims of discrimination with no evidence is a narcissist? I like to call it “crying victim” or “turning others into victims”. It’s how this individual gets his message across. He gets into the emotions of others this way. If you oppose his arguments he turns you into a racist or anti-equality and cries discrimination. He uses “suffering” as a device to grab attention from others. But ONLY if he benefits from it.

Dr.Sam said,

January 16, 2013 @ 9:09 pm

I would say that, Jen! You said it quite well!

Lynne said,

January 29, 2013 @ 7:07 am

My fiance would be nice to everyone else laughing, smiling and giving the women complimnets and treat me like dirt, It was like he had a split personality. He would make out like he was a millionaire which was far from the truth he didnt even own his ute.
He picked on everything I did from cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn to even how I spoke and how I ate my food.
How I should lose weight for my benefit and would calculate his words and play the word games.He would say dont THINK that is where you are going wrong.
I could do nothing right.

He said God spoke to him, and said do me a favour (be with Lynne) Ha! Ha! he would laugh.

However he liked how people liked me at the Christmas party, he smiled and did all the right things. We get back to the motel and I cant speak to him or even look in his direction.
When we got home from the Christmas party he was on holidays, he sat on the lounge for 10 days and didnt speak a word to me just watched TV mostly all day and would come to bed about 5am in the morning he said nothing but na and yep.(No manners)
I said are you ok you havent spoken for days do you have depression or something? and he didnt even look in my direction just scoffed, and dismissed me.

I wasnt allowed to talk to him while the TV was on not even during the ad breaks.
To everyone he boasted and bragged about how good he was at his job (interstate truck driver) and that everyone called him the Legend.(in his eyes anyway). He could build anything better than anyone else and I never saw him fix a thing in the house for 2 years.
He used me thats for sure, and he told lies.
He started to use my oldest grandaughter who was 4 at the time by proxy.
He would tell her over and over to call me and my daughter demeaning names, and was going to teach her a song about food,,,,,so that was to emotionally bully us about being overweight.
He thought it was soooooooo funny.
He tried to tell me my 3 children were worthless (none live at home), and they are not worthless!
WARNING SIGNS AT LAST….dont start telling me to alianate my children from me, I love them. He hasnt seen his 2 children in about 7 years so he was jealous.

He went missing one nite and got home at 7am. i was suspicious so I checked his mobile and there was a message from his girlfriend…..
I packed his ute and when he woke up I kicked him out!

Should have done that months ago.
I didnt have the strengh, and in my stupid co dependant way i loved him. However I loved him for the person he first was.

He would say:
You are the love of my life, you come second to none I love you and always have.(what a joke)
I will buy you any house you want.
I will buy you whatever engagement ring you want.
You can have the wedding anywhere you want,,,,,,yes all in the first 3 days of dating….THIS IS A RED LIGHT.

He was brought up in a boys home 1 of 8 children and he was the younger twin. The twins were seperated for many years, and his younger brother commited suicide at aged 20.

beegirl said,

February 5, 2013 @ 12:44 pm

i spent three years with a narcissist. i went through hell. before him i was an open happy person with friends. half a year ago i left him because i felt it would kill me. i stopped eating, lost 9 kilo of weight and no day has gone by without crying. he had a new woman after one week and kept writing e-mails how happy he is now and how he needs to take care of himself. in the end i had 6800 mean e-mails in my account and i called the police. he is a police officer too, they wanted to know his name and i said it. since then he leaves me alone, but still throws things into my yard that meant so much to me when i loved him with all my heart, like shells froma vacation. every time my heart breaks into pieces but i never react. i learned that is the best way to get away. but still i have eating problems and nightmares and panic attacs and feel as low and unattractive as never before in my life. and i have this feeling, that this will slowly kill me. how can i get happy again. how can i forget all the horrible emotional wounds he gave me. how can i become free before it kills me. i have no family and no more friends. he destroyed all my friendships in that time too. he made me keep all he did to myself if i loved him. he made me leave my friends or he would find other women. he constantly held me in fear and terror. please help me!

Sam said,

February 11, 2013 @ 4:29 pm

I am and have been in a relationship with a Nar. for 9 years. They are the most toxic people you could ever meet. It’s extrememly hard for me and being a single mother, with no love from my mom, dad, etc. I tried finding it on my own only to run into a Nar. It’s sad and hurts so much.

kyann said,

February 11, 2013 @ 7:39 pm

THE NARCISSISTS- IT’S ALL ABOUT THEM…..ME, ME, ME!
The Narcissists prey on single mothers, widows woman who are lonely vulnerable and are financially secure and basically have the home all set up and they can just move in. They are nice at first saying all the right things to make you feel loved, warm and fuzzy inside maybe even buying you a new TV or other items you can’t afford and you truly feel like HE IS THE ONE.
Then 3-6 months into the relationship the Narcissists raises his ugly head. (the true self)
He becomes aggressive, loud, argumentative, critical, and basically loses all his manners, never saying please and thankyou and taking you for granted. He will ask you to fill his car up with petrol but won’t pay you back the money, or pick him up a packet of smokes but does not pay you.
He has extreme temper wanting everything to go his way, picking on your children, and saying really horrible things about them.
He makes you feel worthless and always threatening to leave you…….They are manipulators and manipulate your family and friends. They absolutely abuse you behind cloths doors and are really happy, funny and friendly and generous to everyone else.
They have no family or friends as they have used and abused them to death.
They apparently have been cheated out of $100k worth of money by family and or friends.
They act like the big shots making out they have a lot of money when they don’t even own their car. They will lie and lie straight to your face, with no regrets as it’s not about you it’s about THEM.
They make up stories about big businesses and owning this and that but have nothing to show for the years of running a so called very successful business.
Do what I did pray that God will give you the strength to kick him out of your home, so you can live in peace without the emotional abuse everyday of your life.
You are not STUPID and WORTHLESS and you are KNOWLEDGEABLE, PRETTY and SMART.
I’m sure one day there will be a nice kind, honest and caring man for you,,,,,,, just be patient.
Don’t get caught out like I did three Narcissists in a row over a 25 year period.,,,,,, I feel like a fool but you know, I’m a better person for not caring what other people think, I just want to be happy.
Ask more questions next time and if you have a gut feeling that this isn’t right chances are it isn’t…
ENJOY THE SERENITY AND FEELING SAFE FOR A CHANGE!

victoria said,

February 15, 2013 @ 12:58 pm

Hello had a good friend that has npd we no longer speak. Basically, she became very cruel when I started to stand up for myself I realized after months, who she was. The real her:( she did silent treatment. I tried to call her many times. to contact her thru friends. she’d hang up she knew I knew I knew of the abuse now. at one time, she told me that I don’t know where she has been said where? She said Avery bad, sad place,, I wonder if that was victimization she was using or she was truly abused as child:( second question
After I tried contacting her several times by mail n phone. I realized what the deal was ..then I received a legal letter stating if I try to contact her, her I will be brought up on stalking n harrassment charges. The last line said, their client will do whatever it takes to keep her family safe from me:( I would never hurt anyone.. we were friends at one time, I thought… I think this comment is using projection identification. Can u explain. projection identification?? Thank you..

Doug D said,

February 22, 2013 @ 10:53 am

Thanks Dr.
A lot of what you have shared hits home.Mostly about the way I used to be. For so long, with all the trauma in my life growing up, the abuse, no love from parents, no father, only a step-father. My brother being killed in
Viet Nam, it sort of put a shell around me with anger, pain, and mostly selfishness. The ” you dont know anything, Ive been hurt.” kind of attitude. I never cared what others felt,never gave to anyone. If I did give, I always wanted something in return.
I joined a gang at 17, did violent things, all of it. Who cares, see, it was always about me. Even my gang brothers and sisters were just like me. Selfish, broken children.
I always tried to get better and be the nice guy, however I could never escape myself. Then it happened, a bad car wreck. I was laid up for along time, couldnt walk, nobody was there for me.They said I wouldnt walk again, yet I got up and started walking a little bit, then more and more until one day I just started walking without thinking about, I started laughing and I said the strangest thing. I said Thank you god, and this feeling came over me. No, Im not a religios man,yet I couldnt deny this feeling. Then the tears came. I cried and cried. The wounds you talk about, I had to go there, I had to heal them. That was back in ‘97.
Im a much different person today,not that Im bragging, yet I can live with myself, without feeding on others. I assist young drug addicts and kids that are lost. Seems the more I give, the better I get. I have true friends around me today. I laugh alot at who I used to be. Like it was all a dream. Im still not quite right in the relationship area, still practicing on that. However, if I am narcissist, I dont think Ill ever be cured. I have traveled and studied with some native americans, some good spiritual people all over, and it seems the more I share my love, the more I recieve. Out of the darkness, Just thought Id share that. One of my friends sent me your link, thinking his wife was a narcissist, and I laughed.
Peace Be-Doug

Nick said,

March 13, 2013 @ 5:40 pm

Dr. Sam, do you have a theory on how narcissism starts in someone?

Dr.Sam said,

March 13, 2013 @ 10:31 pm

Yes, Siddarth! Meditations, if done in surrender to God, Higher Power, Deity, and those do not equal the narcissist. The core of healing is removing the trauma based defenses that cause the narcissist to hide and distrust. He cannot attach in a healthy way until that is done. He also must neutralize and reframe his belief that he is entitled to what he wants as god. Hope this helps.

Dr.Sam said,

March 13, 2013 @ 10:35 pm

In my articles I explain two ways: 1) emotional wounds/traumas that force the child to hide and decide to wear masks to survive by his/her own wits and, 2) Over-pampering a child, thus raising an entitled and selfish bratty child.

Samuel Lopez De Victoria, Ph.D. said,

March 15, 2013 @ 3:08 pm

Victoria,

Here is a link to what I consider a decent explanation. Might be a little complicated: http://www.rationalresponders.com/psychological_defenses_projection_identification

Here is another one: http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-projective-identification.htm

Hope this helped some.

Dr. Sam

lin said,

May 5, 2013 @ 12:18 pm

In a nutshell….We dated for 12yrs, married for 2. last year I found out he was cheating. Not just with one woman. Yes he is an extreme narc. Discovered it just after i found out he was cheating and blamed it on me for not being attentive, loving and basically not giving him 100%. I tried to compensate that time till i discovered about narcissism. Then 3 months later i find out he still was in contact with her and keeps trying to get back with her. I have been planning to move out. As i said to my friend my mind has moved on body has to follow. The country I am from, it takes ages to get a divorce.
& then the unthinkable happened. I find myself pregnant. Just about 5 weeks now. This was from just one time when i wasn’t even supposed to be ovulating. Needless to say i was shocked. & no the sex was by mutual consent. he forced himself on me. Not even bothering to pleasure me. No in my country that isn’t rape. Even if i tried to, it would take 10 yrs before the final verdict. So i decided rather than hurt myself just stay still and get it over with.
The day I told him i was pregnant (found out 3 days ago) all he offered was verbal abuses. He thought I was picking on him. It hit him that it was very real the next day when my dad congratulated him. Since then he wants to tell his parents. I told him I will terminate it since he doesn’t love me & i don’t intend wasting the rest of my life on him. & yet if he tells his parents I will reveal everything about his affairs to his family. That has kept him quiet so far.
Today he asked if it was his as he doesn’t recall doing it with me for the past 2 months. WTH? & then 5 mins later again asks if he can go ahead & tell his parents. *teeth gnashing me*
I told him that is precisely why i don’t want to keep it. I asked him if i was supposed to not have my own choices & opinions but do what he wants me to, & if i don’t, I am of no value to him (d-uh), he goes I am not sorry for anything i did because you deserve that treatment. That is your ‘class’. So I asked him when the baby grows up & doesn’t listen to him, would he abuse & beat the child? He’s like of course.
It’s wrong to abort, I know. However I do not want my unborn child to suffer. I have been financially dependent on him. I find him doing things that is borderline of being illegal. He doesn’t have a job. His ‘business’ doesn’t guarantee a fixed income. I believe he will use the baby to get Nsupply from his family and friends & that is all.
Am I doing the right thing? I have to ask as my mind seems to be going through all sorts of twists and turns.

lin said,

May 5, 2013 @ 12:20 pm

Typo, no the sex wasn’t by mutual consent.^

St. Christina The Astonishing said,

May 15, 2013 @ 7:29 pm

I’m a narcissist and am looking for help in overcoming my narcissism. All of the internet resources I’ve come upon so far are wasp nests for the self- indulgent and pages like these which agonize over the suffering of the “victims.” I honestly don’t understand how anyone can choose, of their own free will, to stay with someone, then later claim to have been victimized. All of this is very frustrating to me as I am seeking help and am tired of being vilified. My experience of narcissism has been exhausting: my constantly defensive and overactive ego, my inability to perceive social relationships as being anything but strategic maneuvers (in spite of sometimes believing otherwise, for a time), always feeling poised and alert to the slightest offense. I don’t have normal feelings for my family or any friends that I may have for a time. Although I’m married, I can’t imagine having children and the idea terrifies me because it represents a huge loss of control over my life. It’s also devastating to feel that no one perceives my special uniqueness. I feel that I never get the attention or praise that my ego screams is its due, and I never feel fulfilled in any social relationship. Worst of all is the constant rage against criticism of any kind which inevitably makes social interactions intolerable and unacceptable to me.
In any case, the narcissist is NOT THE DEVIL. There’s a reason this is called a DISORDER. I bet the narcissist(s) in your life aren’t as happy to victimize you as you may believe. We’re all hurt by the flaws of others. Why would one’s experience with a narcissist be any different?
I’m interested in the idea of transcending my ego because I see the kind of hold it has on me. I would like to transform myself, not out of consideration for my “victims” (for I have no victims!) but because I’m tired of this tense and rather agonizing existence.
I would definitely appreciate replies to this post, particularly those sent to saintchristinaastonishing@gmail.com . I would like to talk, and I solemnly swear not to victimize you.

deb said,

May 20, 2013 @ 1:42 am

I think im married to one. His ex told me her therapist thinks he is one as well. She told me it had gotten worse over the years. He has no sympathy for anyone. Especially me. Every action of his is my fault. He has never taken responsibility for the pain he caused with his first wife or our marriage. ( he cheated on her with me) I ws in a abusive relationship and separated when we met. He had told me he was to and that he had never done anything like this before. etc..well i found out after being with him and moving with him. That not only did he cheat once on her but i was #3-4. Yet he charms everyone around us. If someone comes to our home..he turns his “kind” self on like a faucet. When they are gone so is that “kind” self. Like multiple personalities almost. over the years he has told me to leave over a dozen times, then cries and says not to. Knowing I cant afford to anyway he keeps doing so. then i move out with a friend for almost 3 months and not once did he reach out and ask how me and the kids were. NOt once.
Now since i have anxiety he blames that for my issues with him. there is always an excuse , reason for his behavior..and it never includes him!!

tami said,

June 7, 2013 @ 9:45 am

I did not know the term”narcissist” until about a week ago, when for the fifth time, a man I adore left me sobbing in the parking lot of my office complex. This time, he said I’d betrayed him because he figured out my email password and discovered that after my lying to him about telling another person about our relationship(we are not maried to each other),I’d broken down and told someone about ‘us”. I tried to explain that Id needed to talk to someone ANYone about what i was doing wrong and that I’d been so depressed over things he’d done to me, that I’d sought comfort and and advise. I brought up the numerous scar inducing things I’d forgiven him for, but he said none of that could even compare to what I’d done. I dont know if he’s gonna come back this time tho i now realize I was a super supplier. And I was also the cactus he occassionally dripped on. THis “relationship” (we’ve never even gone to lunch) has been the emotional beatdown of my life. He has changed his mind about being in it a hundred times, usually without notice. Ive tried to adapt to the hypersexual phases and Ive tried to understand the phases where he was not interested in me sexually. I forgiven the lies about sleeping with other women when he wouldnt touch me, the fake facebook names…I’d try to understand the phases of his preoccupation with porn sites….the dirty texts, and then the sudden or gradual drop off of any libido. Id write passionate poetic letters and poems and get little or no responses. He;d say or write an ocassional ” I love you”, but it was always hollow, as was sex. There was always something missing. Looking back, I can now recall the telltale comments he made ” I dont know the degrees of love I am supposed to feel” and ‘You cast em out and reel them back in” in reference to women. It’s helping me to learn about narcissism, so I can convince myself that i didnt deserve all the pain he has inflicted.

Dr.Sam said,

June 7, 2013 @ 2:36 pm

Tami,
He is what is called a “Crazy-maker.” Extreme narcissists make the sanest person incredibly crazy and self-doubting because they are super-mast ers of manipulation and turning tables on you. This guy has almost destroyed you. Run from him. Get healthy. Heal your wounds and read good books on healthy boundaries. I have a few articles and videos I put out that share what healthy people look like. You need to thoroughly test people and gradually give of yourself only if they give to the exact same level of giving. Give not more no less. If they don’t give to you, Stop! If they give then Stop, they you Stop! If they betray your trust then Stop! Do not become a doormat. Walk away!

Wish you the best.
Dr. Sam

Emma said,

June 28, 2013 @ 9:07 pm

Hi Dr.Sam,

Thank you so much for posting these articles and videos on narcissism. You have certainly helped to open my eyes to realizing that I am in an abusive relationship. I am having a very hard time deciding on what I want to do. I feel very confused, because when things are good between my boyfriend and I they are fantastic. He makes me feel very special and loved, constantly telling me how cute and wonderful I am. When things are going good he’ll do anything for me, he will give a ride somewhere last minute, help my mom out around the house with yard work, surprise me with treats etc. But when things are bad they are really bad. My boyfriend has grown up in a household where he is an only child and has been excessively pampered. His mother calls him “Angelson” and his dad still squeezes his face and baby talks. My boyfriend has admitted this can be a bit much at times…but still loves to be in the spotlight. If he does a good deed like helping someone with a broken down car on the side of the road he has to tell everyone and seek praise for it. He cannot take any form of criticism and becomes very defensive, denying it, throwing a fit or becoming depressed. When things are not going well between us he will drop everything. If he had a previous commitment to me he will not follow through. For instance, on Father’s Day he was supposed to drive my sister and I to see my dad and we were to have a nice dinner. We had a small disagreement that day and he refused to drive us last minute and if I hadn’t begged and begged and apologized what seemed like a million times we would not have been able to spend father’s day with my dad. Often times when we have a disagreement he will talk down to me and label me as “unreasonable and irrational” and talk to me like he is scolding a child. It is very degrading. I have addressed this and he will “re-write history” denying his actions. He will say “How was that rude or abusive? I didn’t raise my voice, swear or call you names?”. He will find a way to deflect the blame on me “well if you didn’t act this way…then we wouldn’t be in this situation”. On multiple (too many) occasions he has brought me to tears because he is so impossible to fight with and I feel so degraded and as though i do not have a voice in the relationship because he does not consider my feelings. When this happens he rarely shows empathy and will either ignore me or say “why are you crying…why are you being this way? You have no reason to” again treating me like a child. The other night he left me in my driveway crying and just drove away. He has not checked in on me since and it has been 2 days. Once I broke down in front of his parents and his mother hugged me but still stood up for her son and did nothing to defend me and just allowed me to suffer. I don’t believe that is normal behaviour. If I my mother ever saw me treat him that way I would have a strip torn off of me instantly. As well, he is all about appearances, and looking perfect to his family and friends. I seem to be the only person who really experiences this side of him because he hides it around anyone else to save face and appear to be this amazing person. I am constantly told by friends and acquaintances of his that “You better treat him well or else…” or “You are such a lucky girl, don’t screw it up”. In terms of saving face an example is the other day when we were supposed to go to his house for dinner with my sister, his parents and a family friend. Before this happened my boyfriend and I had a slight disagreement over something very trivial and he became emotionally abusive again telling me I was “irrational, unreasonable etc.” it got to the point where I felt helpless and began to cry. He ignored me for a good portion of car ride, once we were getting close to home he began to say “are you going to be alright or not? because if not I will just take you home and you won’t come over for dinner” Upon returning to his house my sister could tell something was wrong and that I had been crying…she mentioned it to me. My boyfriend in an attempt to save face came over and hugged and kissed me and said “Let’s have a good night, I love you, I apologize”. I knew he was not being sincere. He is also very up and down about our sex life…sometimes I feel like I am all he wants and other times it’s like he can go a couple weeks and not want anything to do with me in that regard, he will say “it’s not that I don’t want to, but I am just too tired or I have to wake up early the next morning”. That is very hard on my self-esteem. He rarely initiates sex whether he wants it or not, I always have to. Lastly, I have been dating him for 2 and 1/2 years now and this side emerged about a year into our relationship. I have stood up to him a couple times now and have had to scare him by giving ultimatums about me leaving the relationship. He would get a better for a period of time but has always returned back to his old ways. Again, I feel scared and confused….the good is so good but the bad is terrible. Should I just walk away…or keep trying to work through it? He has told me he wants to marry me and that I am the only one for him….and I believe him because it seems incredibly sincere, he tears up a bit sometimes when he talks about it, but then his actions towards me can be so harsh and cruel.

Dr.Sam said,

June 29, 2013 @ 9:10 am

Emma, I confess that I did not have sufficient time to go through every sentence of your loooong post. :) I did, however skim it. What I sense from your post is that you see a flip-flop, like a rubber band going and coming back to you when this person wants you then rejects you. This is typical extreme narcissism behavior. At minimum, I would take several months hiatus from the relationship until you can read, learn, and soak yourself with all you can learn about narcissism, codependents (hungry for love but making mistakes of attracting narcissists due to being unclear on what healthy boundaries are), and learn also about boundaries and what a healthy person looks like. Join a CoDa group locally. That is CoDependents Anonymous. Look them up on the web. Visit and find a good one. Let recovering persons who have been mistreated and eaten up by narcissists help you get rid of the scales on your eye. I wish you the best on your healing journey. Dr. Sam

Emma said,

June 29, 2013 @ 10:57 am

Thank you for your quick response Dr.Sam. I admit I got a little carried away with my post and wrote you a small book :P But it was therapeutic to type my thoughts out. I think your advice is very wise. I need to begin to take care of myself, and I plan on doing more research on co-dependent behaviours to learn more about myself and what I need to do to heal. Thank you so much for your guidance on this matter.

Kindly,
Emma

crystal said,

July 9, 2013 @ 11:35 am

I was in a six year relationship I thought was perfect for the first three
Years he did everything for me spoiled me rotten spent every free
Minute he had on the phone with me was constantly finding ways to better my life opened me up emotionally got me out of my anger taught me to trust in him completely and then he started lying about everything where he was going what he did with his money lying about being at work lying about everything he became very cold and distant became a stranger I didn’t recognize he became very conceited and really happy regardless of how miserable he was making me he clung to me very tight became a stalker until I gave in and when I did he would leave its over and I’m trying to put my life together and I’m lost

crystal said,

July 9, 2013 @ 11:45 am

Its been six months since its been over I can’t trust anyone and apart of me still wants him back I hate him but still love him I am numb he has moved on I want to be free to move on but don’t know how I feel emotionally broken destroyed and devastated I been through breakups before but I feel like I got my soul sucked out of me his lies have broken my spirit and he is doing great and its not fair I want him to hurt he had to suffer there has to be karma for him it doesn’t seem to apply he strung me along for years and he is fine I’m beautiful and single left unable too even smile at a dude let alone converse trying to fast and pray but I have allot of hate in me trying to overcome

Alex in he11 said,

October 16, 2013 @ 1:22 pm

I came to this page searching for help. My mother and family are extreme narcissists and for years I have resisted them and kept my identity. A few years ago at college I started feeling an empty feeling because of the thought, “I’m worthless” came up. Over a couple of years the brief seconds of emptiness would last longer and longer. When I was stuck with my family this summer the emptiness was all of the time. I know by staying around them I am becoming like them and I self doubt myself even though I shouldn’t (because they are crazy). I wish I could go back and ask for help from my friends who were and are there for me. I think I know that being around a narcissist can turn you into one over time. I’m my own person and when I think of how my family has treated me I feel an intense anger. I feel like I have no idea how to get back to who I am which is why I am writing. I was wondering if someone who knew a lot of info could know if you can acquire narcissism. I look in the mirror and don’t see myself. I think underneath this is a lot of pain. When someone constantly invalidates you and makes you feel their shame. The lie is that you are worthless which nobody is. It is only when someone projects that unjustifiable shame that you buy into it. Don’t buy into it. I have no idea how to reverse this and it happens because you compromise who you are. I wish I could feel that peace from unrelenting fear. Stay sane.

Blossom said,

October 28, 2013 @ 11:13 pm

Hello Dr,
That’s nice you are at Miami Dade; I’ll be taking some courses there next semester! Also I have unfortunately had run-ins with extreme narcissists in my short life. My mom had gotten involved with plenty of narcissistic abuser boyfriends in the past, and her mom had been involved with abusers, also (many times physically or sexually violent too). I understand it is more common for narcissists to abuse mostly mentally and emotionally but not so much physically as they don’t want to get caught, or they hurt someone in areas that won’t be as noticeable? Are all abusers narcissists but not all narcissists abusers, or in order to be a narcissist one must also be an abuser (I would think they abuse everyone around them, family not excluded). I had also been involved romantically (if you want to call it that even) with one, and yes they were very life draining, negative, and sick inside. Of course I think they had lots of comorbidities like OCD tendencies and sex/porn addictions, alcoholism, drug addictions, etc. Is that also common with NPD? The one I ran in to had only been seeing me for a few weeks before already trying to introduce me to his family he was living off of at the time (quite embarrassing) and also try to throw out the L word after just two weeks (which I knew he was just saying that to try and manipulate and hook me in as victim as I’d dealt with NPD in the past). It really is shocking how these people operate. Do you believe there is a genetic component, ie they cannot physiologically or psychologically feel the emotion of love or empathy?

Blossom said,

October 28, 2013 @ 11:15 pm

Also the one I dated for a short time would do weird things like show up to my apt unexpected with no calling beforehand. He also preferred mostly to communicate via text (is that also part of NPD) and not speak on the phone as if that was akward or something for him, either that or he was just with other women and didn’t want me to know and texting was easier to disguise that. Also he apparently had a huge fan base of unattractive low-selfesteem women he surrounded himself as his “fan club” and called them his “best friends” and spent the night with them, also, and even told me he would spend the night with them but they were just his “bros” or whatever. lots of BS of course. Chances are he was sleeping with them, and they were his ever-adoring fans he could toy with any time he wanted and call drunk in the middle of the night to get some from as they had no self esteem and he always exploited mine and others weaknesses.

Blossom said,

October 28, 2013 @ 11:18 pm

Also one more thing. When I dumped the N, he showed up to get his things and told me he wanted me to leave them out the door of my apt so “I didn’t have to see him again” Was that just a manipulative tactic to try and humiliate me ie make me feel as if I were the one to blame and as if I was not worth seeing face to face to reaffirm the breakup? Also he lied and said he’d written some note about how he felt I was too good for him blah blah but said he’d “lost it on the ride on his motorcycle to my apt” or some crap like that. I just think that was a lie or some other type of manipulation, possibly guilting me?

Sarah Lohrey said,

June 28, 2014 @ 4:52 am

Hi Dr. Sam,

Just broke up with a man who I suspect was a narcissist, however he was very deceptive. I met him 20 years ago and had a whirlwind 5 day reunion with him last September. There were a few warning signs for instance he still told the same legendary stories of his successful careers, good deeds towards those least fortunate…it was the deceptive helping others in need deeds that had me confused. He has a self image that is larger than life, a noble, body guard best mate, best uncle, best brother type persona. The thing is I also may have a personality disorder which I wasn’t aware of (Dependent PD) a perfect match for a narcissist. It is devastating to have broken up with him I feel like I have lost my own ego structure and sense of self…it horrifies me that my condition is the reverse of his but still just as lacking in compassion, somehow. The only difference is that I have a better chance of recognizing I have this condition. I wish I’d never met him I can’t believe anything he says and he contradicts himself and never answers my questions. His background was that he was the eldest boy of parents in the Opus Dei cult. His father was a legend and a genius in his field of engineering, but he possibly suffered from Aspergers. He was larger than life but also strangely impersonal towards his son. his son became an atheist in order to survive the onslaught from the Jesuit cult and yet to survive in that family he needed to develop a compensatory persona which was acceptable in order to be acknowledged…this is my theory. I challenged his defense system and got dumped for my trouble. I was angry because of the deception and insincerity…I knew he was not being true. I caught him out and he turned it round to appear as if I was the fink. I feel really duped and humiliated. what can I do about my own condition and making sure this never happens again.

Dr.Sam said,

June 28, 2014 @ 9:13 am

Sarah, at this point in your life focus on developing healthy boundaries. Read good books on that (Townsend and Cloud have a couple of good ones). The persons who are attracted to narcissists have codependent traits. You might want to learn about that and even attend a local CoDependents Anonymous group in your area (www.coda.org). You may have been naive (”Wake up!”), and having a huge deficit of Daddy love/Mommy love that is still there. Look at that and realize that you may or may not fill that. I personally believe that healthy love will help to fill that and also knowing your are unconditionally loved and have a relationship with a loving Creator. I wish you the best. Dr. Sam

sophie said,

August 23, 2014 @ 7:48 am

Is my friend a narcissist? she has to be the center of attention and has over 3.000 friends on facebook, everything about her is me me me! she is 8 years older than me and it annoys her if someone says i look younger. I know her most of my life as we grew up on the same street. its only dawning on me now that she could be one, she is obsessed about the way she looks and gives herself complements all the time, she wont get out of her car unless she thinks she looks good and wakes her father up from his sleep to let him know that she will be outside his house in 10mins so she can drive him around so he can run her errands. she likes to out shine everyone ever brides on there wedding day and is obsessed with facebook, posting thing nonstop and changing her airbrushed profile pictures everyday, i really could go on all day. she put somthing on facebook she should’nt have, soo i addressed her about it on the phone and she quickly turned it around on me started crying saying she is having a bad day and she gets the blame for everything and that it is my fault..i havn;t heard from her since, i usually hear from her sevril times a day everyday, witch annoys my husband, everywhere i go she is not far behind me even family holidays she will try her best to go with us and she did a few times. when i sit and think back over the years she as been causing drama all the time and getting away scott free. i dont think she is b bad person she loves her children but she would tell them to get up early if it is a hot sunny day and get a tan and to make sure they don’t get tan lines, that is the type of mother she is, she looks up to people like kim kardashian. you would read this and think why would anyone want to be friens with her but she is also very funny and the life and sole of the party. am i better off without her?

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