The Incredibly Seductive Pull of a Very Skilled Narcissist

ArrogantMan

By Samuel López De Victoria, Ph.D.

If an extreme narcissist were religious, he would worship himself. He would apply to himself the phrase that says, “You shall have no other gods besides ME!” Narcissist are full to the maximum… with themselves.

In my years of studying human nature and counseling many individuals, I have come across an amazing type of narcissist. This kind of narcissist is the one who is so seductive he makes you like or believe in him or her with your whole heart. In my personal opinion, this type is the most dangerous of all narcissists. The following are some characteristics of this impressive little “god.”

Charming

Charm creates a feeling of being delightfully attracted to something. You can be fascinated with something or someone because of beauty. Though the looks of a person can be stunning to the point of you saying, “Wow!”, nevertheless, a captivating narcissist does not necessarily have to have good looks to draw you in. Good looks, definitely, can increase the magnetic pull towards the narcissist, but that is not the core. You can also be charmed by the pulling power of someone reflecting you so as to create a deep rapport. This intense connection is created when a person gives you the feeling like you’ve known them a long time or you feel initially safe with them. They have unlocked the door to your insides. A skilled extreme narcissist knows just how to reflect your music back to you so that you feel like he has your playlist of favorite songs.

More astute than you

An astute person is one who creatively figures out some unique and impressive angle quickly, an angle few think about. Skilled narcissists can typically outsmart most folks. They are three steps ahead of you. They are also fast in coming out with these unique approaches. That is why you are constantly intrigued by them. When your relationship sours with one of these narcissists, you better watch out. They generally have already thought through how you might react and are ready to discredit you or destroy you. They have their ducks in order. When they get a lawyer you can bet that they are determined to humiliate and obliterate you.

Great storyteller

A skillful narcissist can be some of the greatest storytellers. They can weave a complex story and mesmerize you with amazing statistics, trivia, quotes, history of events, to the point that you could feel overwhelmed. Naturally, they would be the center of those stories, often re-writing history. These skillful narcissists are hardly boring. They incessantly can talk to you with interesting information. Those I have known, I have often gleaned amazing information from. They too are students of human nature, but with a goal in mind. Their goal is to further their power by enhancing their stature and influence among those around them. Sometimes they exaggerate their claims and position. The media abounds with examples, ranging from politicians and business people to actors who are given to hype.

Believable

Skillful narcissists work hard at being believable about their myths of themselves. They arm themselves with information that enhances their position and even can change the numbers to suit their arguments. The end goal is to snag you into his/her lair. One trick they use is to play the game of appearing magnanimous. In other words, they appear to take the high road of being nobler than you by forgiving your mistakes. Many times this is a set up to later trash or destroy you. I remember one who came into my office with their former lover. The narcissist said something like, “God knows how dysfunctional I am… and of course, I have my own therapist that I speak to about this… but… Could you please help my former partner here who is so vindictive… and mean… as a matter of fact, I think this person should have an MRI because they have behavior that is similar to that of a person having a brain tumor.” I could not believe how creative this attack was. I had to read between the lines to see the fake tears of this narcissist trying to take the position of Mother Teresa.

Able to cover tracks

I am always amazed at how a skillful narcissist can cover their tracks. They will play two women at the same time and cover it up with some important business emergency out-of-town meeting. I’ve even seen them have false online identifications. Some may even exaggerate accomplishments, and though they work at a prestigious firm, they might be a junior member or a hated boss who steals credit from others. They can frame the theft as them first having the original ideas. One story sticks out in my mind with a skilled male narcissist who married a woman that he slowly destroyed over the years. It got so bad that one night he got right in her face and spit at her. She had to push him away from her and call the police. When they showed up, she was asked, “Did you touch him?” She said, “Yes, I pushed him.” They hauled her away for being the supposed perpetrator of domestic violence. On the way out and with a concerned face, the narcissist said to the police, “Please be careful. She needs her medication because she is a bipolar person!” Judge for yourself.

Among the greatest actors in the world

One of the main characteristics of narcissism is that there is a wounded and/or insecure child inside the adult. To survive and compensate, the child has to divert attention and give appearances that are not necessarily true. The skilled narcissist has had many years of theatric practice often changing roles to suit the situation. Because they perceive that their very life is at stake they are zealous to protect and perfect their disguises. These theatric roles cover a wide range. Some are comedic. Others are highly “respectable.” There are also those who use intimidation to create distance and admiration or respect. They might use leather, tattoos, piercings, chains, motorcycles, cars, brash loudness, etc. They can also choose to be the lovable and huggable teddy bear persona. With the skillful narcissist, it is not so easy. The reason for this is that they actually believe they are the persona. I have had narcissists, in a moment of rare transparency and “weakness”, admit to me that they don’t even know who they are.

Be wise

As you can see, the skillful narcissist is a person with some pretty amazing traits. In my opinion, they can be formidable. They can be impressive in power, strength, intelligence, size, and difficulty. If you find one opposing you, they can be astounding enemies. They are not omnipotent, though they might think so. They do have limitations. Their ego is their own undoing. Many times, when they discover that you are on to them, they disappear. They do this if they perceive that you can blow their cover and expose them as a sham. For an extreme narcissist, being fully exposed to the world is the greatest pain in their lives. It is also the best medicine to their disease because it will force them to look inside and deal with their pain and wounds. If and when that happens, they will become like the rest of us, realizing that we do need others to help and love us. They will see how they need to love from a genuine heart that does not seek to use people. A former and healed narcissist can turn all his powerful assets, which he used to advance himself, to making a powerful contribution in the lives of others and being realistically liked. In the meantime, be careful and avoid being duped and drawn by the amazing magnetism of this kind of person.

Stillstanding said,

November 19, 2011 @ 3:01 pm

Thanks please send me data on extreme narcissist.
I left an extreme narcissist that I married and divorced all within 10 months. It really amazes me that what you say this is like you were sitting there in my home with this monster. I got out my children were my inspiration to get out. I am looking forward to Thanksgiving however that’s his birthday and I’am just so thankful for God’s Grace and Merecy. I will not give him any more victory over me on Thanksgiving day. Not to mention he cheated on me our first Xmas because I abandoned him due to the verbal abuse and daily dwittling away at my soul daily. He was not going to stop until I was emotionallly, mentally and physically Dead, if I would have stayed. He constantly projected his sickness on me-mentally, he wanted me to be helpless, vain, vulnerable and weak. He did the same thing to previous wives.I have moved on and continuing my inner healing daily.It’s been a year next this and I am wondering when will I even want to date again, if ever…I am afraid to ever trust any one with my heart or near my girls ever again. As for him he was on online dating sites the day I left and thought nothing of it, but now that i have been educated about narcissist he was just like an animal seeking more prey,looking for his life line-narcissisit supply! I am so greatful for a peace of mind this Thanksgiving because last year he tried to kill me in a vehicle on the way to a movie out of rage, now I know they don’t like holidays because they can’t feel anything inside..they are hollow and evil inside.His mother knows he has serious problems but she continues to enable and take up for him while encouraging the wives to stay when knowing the abuse is horrific!….I really think she is at the core of his problem…and dad left him at 9yrs old.What do you think….?

Dr.Sam said,

November 19, 2011 @ 3:53 pm

I think you are right on target. You did the right thing to leave this person, or you would have been destroyed. Good for you! If you search around on this website of mine you will find more articles on narcissism or you can go to http://www.PsychCentral.com and do a search on my name: Samuel Lopez De Victoria. All of my article on narcissism are on that website also. I wish you the best life as you seek wholeness and health.

Dr. Sam

Learning said,

November 27, 2011 @ 4:35 pm

Dr. Sam, Thank you immensely for your blogs and insight! I am trying to cope with being victimized by understanding my enemy. I have suffered physical and emotional abuse in a rocky 5 year relationship. I wouldn’t hurt a fly and have tried many times to get away peacefully, yet I am perceived as the “bad guy”, due his back stabbing, bad mouthing and overt truth twisting.

The worst part is… his manipulation and charm, which you nailed perfectly in this post. Despite all this abuse (and it is EXTREME), I am at risk of getting sucked back in. At times of weakness, I like to study and read, in hopes of finding strength.

My N has caused major physical injury which required extensive surgery (he didn’t even take me to one doctor appointment or drive me home from his house after he “accidently” broke my leg). The irony is that he was a vicious terror to me the other day because I refused to bring him something to eat in the middle of the night while he was under the weather. He is seeing someone else, and still tries to get my empathy, by feigning sickness.

How the heck did I get lost in this insanity? Trying hard to get out….

Anyway, thanks for the words of wisdom.

Dr.Sam said,

November 27, 2011 @ 6:17 pm

Stillstanding,

I feel bad for your ordeal of many years that still continues. I would get an injunction for him to stay away from you. Bite him back with a lawyer so that he will never forget how painful it is to hurt another person. Get away from him and get help with filling the vacuums of your childhood in needing nurturing love and obtain also healthy boundaries so you know what a healthy person looks like. Some good books on this is “Boundaries” and the book “Safe People.” Both are by Townsend and Cloud.

Learning said,

November 27, 2011 @ 11:29 pm

I know, I would give the same advice, but what if your antagonist is larger than life and very experienced with these things? I am small, and inexperienced in court. He is not.

Recovering said,

December 26, 2011 @ 4:39 am

This is one of the view articles I have found which addresses the “Nice” narcissist. I have an MSW, was a happy person, struggled with some life issues, but was doing very well. A male friend from work was always showing more interest in me than I was interested in. He was highly liked at work and many women were interested in him. Didn’t hurt he was newly divorced and has a beautiful home on a highly respected lakefront. We were work friends and we dated as friends for a few years. I dropped the friendship because I knew he wanted more. My family and friends all liked him and asked, why don’t you go out with him, he really likes you and is a nice person. A few years later we got together for dinner and I totally felt like I wanted to give him a chance. We started dating and fell in love and he was my man of my dreams. We were together for 5 years. One big fight which I felt he was outwardly abusive after 1 one. I was devastated and wouldn’t talk to him for 6 weeks. I went back to him and dropped a good educated therapist friend because I knew she disapproved. My partner and I planned our lives together. We got along really well and lived together for 4 years. I ended up losing my self esteem, tried to commit suicide and started drinking. The whole time I blamed myself for such bad behavior. I was headed for my second suicide attempt when I kicked him out of the house. (I was never suicidal in my life) I have learned he was narcisstic in the ‘nicest’ way and keep devaluing me and I slowly but surely fell into this. He was romantic, would ask me to look into his eyes and see his love. He made it seem like it was always me who had to just believe in him more. I think I have experienced one of the worst kinds of a narcissis. I just wish there was something I could pick up and read, and say, oh my god, that was what I lived. But much of the writings about the more outward personalities. My ex was loved and admired by many and always was acted so respectable. I have been free from him for 7 mos. He doesn’t contact me or my family (since I insisted my family stop taking his calls) He tried to go through my family to continue to enforce, I was screwed up, and he was only trying to help. I also sent him a letter calling him out. Is there any support groups, any books I can read. Sometimes I would like to read or find some validation of what I have been though.

Recovering said,

December 26, 2011 @ 4:49 am

PS. Most of the time we were together, we lived like a couple. We enjoyed our days, planned our meals together, watched our favorite show, snuggling. We were planning our lives together. We loved being together…….yet I felt his disapproval and non support in things that were happening in my life deep down inside. I had a job that was killing me, he was retired with plenty of money and assets, yet never offered to help. We planned on moving into his house, but he was a hoarder too, and could never quite get the house cleaned out. I went through his parents aging, needing care and dying while I was working mandatory 50-60 hrs, so it was easy to put everything on hold……Even when I kicked him out….I blamed myself. My well respected therapist friend, spent 5 hrs on the phone with me soon after getting me to stop defending him because I was still taking all the blame……to realize he did not love me…….I realize now, he is narcisstic, his mother was openly so……he became Mr. nice guy and said everything I ever needed to hear……I am still flabbergasted and confused……….I just know since he has gone, I am finding myself again. Man, I loved him……….I had been single for over 20 years and thought I had waited for the right person to give my heart to…….geezzzz.

wayforward2day said,

January 30, 2012 @ 2:40 pm

I think i married a narcisst! i am not expert at all, but since he left 2 years ago, i have read alot of articles and from that i believe he was NPD. We dated 1 year , long distance, got married and he changed over night! Slowly getting worse, day by day, progressively changing from a gentle kind caring noble, funny, wise, man of God, to a scarey evil, victimizing monstor. I have never in my life met anyone like this,I had to flee, with my 3 children. Fear reigned in our house, which had been full of joy, peace, harmony and lots of good friends and family. He harshly judged them all , made people feel uncomfortable, gradually over the year and a half we were together they stopped coming, he banned 2 of my sisters and laterly my oldest daughter. He couldnt understand how or why i trusted my children. He made their life hell, life was a regeme. no feelings or emotions coudl be displayed unless he called all the shots and cracked all the jokes. Police, womans welfare, lawyers etc was enough to keep him away. i still live in fear. i dont think i will ever fully recover. I thank God that i have my kids safe and i condider it to be a miracle that he didnt kill me. There were a number of times i was totally at his mercy! any recovery advice?

michelle said,

March 17, 2012 @ 6:42 am

I have been dating a man for 5 years that I can truly say has all the identifying factors of NPD. I can see whats inside and have breached his past with him willingly. He has definately been a wounded child. Lately I have let him know that he will not bring me down anymore and he broke it off. He claims he wanted me to be strong and stand up for myself, but obviously not to him. I want to help him because I know hes suffering. Call me crazy but if you can help me I would appreciate it. I have been taking psychology for 2 years but I am nowhere near qualified to do this on my own and he is dead set against talking to anyone because he says I have the problem, not him. The only way he would go is if I went in for the problems he claims I now have, (which besides the low self esteem, and lack of confidence, from being put down constantly, I don’t). Where do I go from here if I want to help the child inside him.

Dr.Sam said,

March 17, 2012 @ 8:08 am

Michelle,
This man will not get professional help. He thinks nothing is wrong with him. He thinks you are the sick person. Your scenario is like the TV series on Zombies where a loved one becomes a living dead. The “normal” family member tries to connect still with the recently created family zombie still thinking and wishing that it is the same old lovely person they have inside their own head. That costs them their own life as the “New” family member “dismembers them” little by little with no feelings of remorse…
You need to move on, Michelle. He is a living dead person and he will eat you and destroy you over time. You need to join a local Codependents Anonymous group and work on yourself to find what is it in you that attracts this kind of abusive, selfish kind of man who forces you to be whom he wants you to be and consistently hurts you. What sick dysfunction in you attracts this. Father hunger, the need to be loved. These are legitimate but sickly carried out with sick people. Capiche? Leave him and say “Good bye.” Don’t look back.
Dr. Sam

PS
Here is the main website for locating meetings: http://www.coda.org/

Here is an online CoDa Group link via Chat: http://www.onlinecoda.net/meetings.html

madelyn said,

August 15, 2012 @ 4:37 am

Michelle, do not even bother. That is the tactic they use to suck you back in.
I believe I am with a narcissist who has caused me a nervous breakdown. I have been in therapy and apparently he is going tomorrow…should be interesting- if he goes.
Anyways the kids and I are planning our escape.
He destroyed my life. Financially I am down the drain. He made it so I could not even go to the dentist. He disgusts me.

Kathi Kelly said,

October 13, 2012 @ 8:38 am

..I am so amazed reading this I feel like I finally have a friend who understands me…My oldest daughter is 47 and so intelligent and accomplished..I’m just now realizing she’s the smartest narcissist I’ve ever witnessed…she has got a hate page on facebook and her regular page where she seems to enjoy creating havoc and hating..Right now her main goal is to discredit her 44 yr. old sister their father and myself because we’ve finally took a stand against this nonsense, she’s doing it on facebook and everyone knows us and they’re believing her. she’s gaining more and more friends and it’s hard to believe people who know us are following her. She wasn’t abused as a child but tells everyone she was beaten constantly..in fact her dad says , I should’ve let him hit her..I’m making this short as possible because I could write a book!
…she’s been married 6 times and just recently to the 6th I’ve lent her money as so has her dad only to hear her tell everyone on facebook no ones ever helped her and shes done it all on her own…when she dislikes someone we are supposed to also and this is why this recent blowups began..I refuse to do this ever again…she has alienated the three of us and texts me nasty comments of which I last told her a month ago not to send anymore because I’m done! on my birthday she actually texted me …happy birthday.. I was shocked….none of us have seen her since Dec. 15 and this breaks my heart..her recent husband actually joins in her drama against her sister and posts nasty quote piks towards her sister to her on facebook…
..I don’t understand how I’ve lost so many friends through all this and it breaks my heart they believe her. I don’t know why I’m shocked but I really didn’t really understand til’ now…I’m strong in fact we all are I only wish I had my daughter back. She was doing therapy once about 3 yr’s. ago and it was working but she quit going and said the therapist told her he couldn’t do anymore for her. I said then you need to find another because you are improving and you need to keep going..of course she didn’t so I figure he told her something she didn’t want to hear..
..we’ve basically alienated ourselves from her complete list of friends because if there is such a thing as a winner (hate using that word in this)it won’t be us! I am totally shocked as to how she can do this! when she loses her man then she needs us especially ME, but I’m done…she’s turned her older boys against us and right now she’s fighting with one of them..both her boys refuse to hold down jobs have a baby and have left the mothers of those babies and she teaches them NOT to work so they won’t have to pay support…no one close to her can be her friend if they befriend us…we are very tactful sane people and try to totally ignore her behavior and I don’t know why I’m miffed but I am…
..I always read men are narcissists so I gave her the benefit of the doubt..but never understood her imagination! she says things have happened that never have and even mentions pulling a gun on her dad which never happened and continues to tell this to people…she tells stories and when I tell her that didn’t happen she gets furious and leaves and comes back later as tho’ that arguement didn’t happen….I’m at the end of the perverbial rope and perhaps I should’ve done this sooner! (my stupidity)it just seemed too final…she leaves good old friends in her wake if they don’t think she’s right…it’s so scary. I guess this is sad to say but I’m just waiting for this man to leave and never again will I save her from herself..I feel like I raised someone elses child or the Devil himself and I feel so guilty.. I know I’ve enabled her by raising my children…and telling them they can do anything they choose and don’t give up..I have the most beautiful girls I thought but she’s not the girl I raised..am I doing the right thing in staying out of her life forever because that’s what I will do from now on, she’s wore us all out especially me. I’m so done and even though I don’t have much she’s out of my will..I’ve had it!..thanks for your time..Kathi Kelly

Dr.Sam said,

October 13, 2012 @ 11:41 am

Kathy,

I know the person you describe in your comment. At least, metaphorically, but based on real-time experiences with family extreme narcissists that you can never please. I’ve learned, like you, to stay at a safe distance. I’ve left the door open if they ever want to talk about fixing the relationship based on honest admittance of wrongs committed in one or both directions. If that cannot happen, then there is no reason to talk. If I see them at family gatherings I am nice and cordial but VERY superficial and careful not to give any personal information that returns back as ammunition against me. I recommend you do the same. That is having a healthy boundary. Just because someone is family does not mean you have to accept them as safe. That is an earned status only proven by a real track record of respect and reciprocal kindness and appreciation. Loving family is different from liking family.

Dr. Sam

Cat said,

October 16, 2012 @ 10:04 am

Thanks Dr. Sam for your articles- they are a great comfort. My husband is an extreme narcissist- one who is so good at what he does, in addition to being charming and handsome, that even I doubt events that are happening, while they are going on. I think that the idea of narcissists as believing that they are “god” is right on. Like a god-like figure, they believe that they can alter reality simply by speaking it out of existence. My husband’s extreme narcissism allows him to believe that he can simply defy the laws of physics and basic common sense, if these laws conflict with his image of himself. He, for example, when I left the house briefly to pick up some items from the store, took our 7-year-old on the roof which had several huge holes while he was spreading hot tar to prep it for repair. Unsupervised, my child had hot tar splatters all over his shirt and of course, was sent down the ladder alone. Needless to say, when I called after 20 minutes to see how they were doing, I was in full panic when my child happily told me that he “was on the roof with daddy fixing the big holes with tar.” When I returned, I realized that I could never leave my child alone with him but said nothing. I was yelled at for “thinking” that “being on the roof is dangerous.” It is not, according to my husband, because my husband “has a perfect sense of balance, is a great father, and would never endanger his child.” Even though I said nothing (except to my child) I was accused of not having a “sincerely happy smile” upon greeting him, and earned a 30 minute lecture. My point is, that as you say, narcissists are gods. You cannot argue with them because they create their own world at will, and you must live in it. When you refuse to obey and worship, you will “die” to them. They will either attempt to nullify your existence as a human being verbally (put-downs) or physically (in my case repeated rapes while sleeping, non-consensual rough sex). Eventually, “sinners” end up in “hell”- seamless agony which the narcissist feels obligated to create. Because as humans we desperately want our environment to make sense, there is a powerful seducing power behind the narcissist’s ego-mania. It would be much easier for me to believe that I was simply “over-protective and paranoid” instead of believing that the handsome, charming, professional in front of me put a 7-year-old child in a life-threatening situation because “I was selfish and had to go to the store” It is easier to doubt our eyes than to believe that the person we once loved is actually a monster. Thank you again for your great articles.

Sara said,

November 3, 2012 @ 3:13 am

Hi, I was involved with a Narcissist for 3.5 years (the past 18 mths being of an intimate nature). I found that I couldn’t move on with my life, as I struggled for weeks, trying to make sense of why he lied and more importantly, why he blamed me for our split and why this relationship devastated so much more than any other. Through self-help books, I have learnt the type of personality he had (NPD) and I am happy to say that I have now moved on and I have closure. The only thing that still baffles me, is his spouse’s attitude to it all. I use the word ’spouse’ as I’m still not really sure what the true nature of their relationship is. He always maintained, 2 years before we became intimate, that they were just friends and they were living together because they “got on well” and there was no intimacy, as he didn’t fancy her in that way at all. Anyway, the point is that she didn’t even want to know about us. I wrote to her and told her as I thought she deserved to know, as he’d said some awful things about her personal attributes. I split from him, so it wasn’t about ‘a woman scorned’ as to why I told her. Anway, to forgive is one thing but to not even want to know about it? I find that bizarre. For all I knew, they could have been having a full relationship and for that reason alone, surely she would want to know so that she could get herself checked out for STD! I told her she doesn’t know one half of it, yet she has ignored that comment too as has not wanted to know anything. All she has done, is apparently very kindly made a police report against me for so-called ‘persistant and unwanted emails’. The police haven’t been to my door thank goodness, so I’m assuming it was just a threat because I know from him that she blames me entirely. She thinks it was just an affair he and I had, it wasn’t, or at least I wasn’t aware it was just an affair. He told me he wanted to be with me and he was making plans to move out (yes in hind-sight I was so gullible)! What I would really like an answer to is this: why on earth would she not want to know about it? All she has basically said to me “good luck with the rest of your life” and “get on with your life”…. as if it was all no big deal. They have no children and she is not financially dependant on him, so it’s not like she’s thinking I don’t want to know what happened because if I leave him, what about the kids or how will I survive financially? I don’t know her attitude about it all bothers me, but I’m guessing it’s for the same reason I needed to find out the reasons behind his actions. If you can shed some light on this, I would be really grateful. Thank you.

Dr.Sam said,

December 9, 2012 @ 1:58 pm

Narcissists are everywhere and in every profession. Look around!

Cecilia said,

March 9, 2013 @ 10:41 am

Dr. Sam please help me I left my narcissistic abusive husband, but now he is acting all lovable and I love him but think that he is going to go into a rage out of nothing like he always was, even though I said I love him I feel afraid when he hugs me; what can I do??? please help!!!

Cecilia said,

March 9, 2013 @ 10:42 am

I ment I am afraid when I’m around him!!!

Cecilia said,

March 9, 2013 @ 11:14 am

Can a person with NPD be cured and stop being abusive??? please help!!!

Dr.Sam said,

March 9, 2013 @ 7:15 pm

Cecilia, you don’t have many options, in my opinion. Here are some: 1) Get him to go to a competent therapist that knows how to work with his narcissism and heal his hurts or leave him. You can start with a separation and if he only corrects himself temporarily, you leave him and serve him papers. 2) You may want to just leave him. If you have difficulty doing any of these, you might be in a complementary way, just as sick as he is but on the opposite side where you have to keep him because you are addicted to the meager crumbs of love you get from him. I recommend joining a Codependents Anonymous Group in your area (www.Coda.org) or some church based program like Celebrate Recovery. You need to heal so you don’t fear him and you get courage for yourself to stand up to him and/or leave him and you need to learn healthy boundaries and self-worth.

Dr. Sam

Major Clisham said,

April 30, 2013 @ 2:56 pm

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Nic said,

May 16, 2013 @ 12:41 pm

My father died recently. Very young and very sudden. I was off doing my think in NY, very happy with my career budding, but a career that’s very dependent upon being in good emotional health and my own initiative.

My father was a rock. He was the only one I could depend on my whole life. He raised me practically by myself. There were bumps in the road for us. Only when my mother was involved.

When it was just my father and I, I had self-esteem, I did well in life. I felt that he gave me boundaries, unconditional love and protection.

My mother in the picture, well, gave me snide/mean comments, making fun of things about my body, laughing when something bad happened to me (like her chopping off my hair) and control over the function of the house so that she was the victim, my dad was the evil one, stole his money, left. And I was left to protect her, hate my dad and live a horrible next 10 years of existence, co-dependent upon her and her problems.

She came into the picture when I was 10 years old for 2 years and when I was 23 moved back in with my father again. She is never wrong. And if she is it’s fleeting. She was never concerned with my emotional health for the horrible things that went down between me and my father or the things she did in her life.

I have always been her savior and protector. Since I was 4 years old she would download her whole life story on me and why she was so screwed up. (mind you I’d only see her once a month). And when I was 7, I remember she called and would complain about work for an hour. I remember pulling the phone away from my head and thinking why is she doing this?

Now years later. My father gone. I’m stuck at this very moment dealing with the guilt of feeling like I have to take care of her vs, the side of me that wants absolutely nothing to do with her. Trying to run his business (quitting all that I love to do) and giving his house and assets to her.

Examples of her issues: buying me presents and then buying the same thing for herself, intense jealousy of me, physically getting in a fight with me recently (foaming at the mouth, biting me, throwing things full speed, swinging at me, etc). , going into rages when I express my feelings about something she’s done that hurt me, resentful when I took care of my dad and tried to bring love in the house, snide comments under her breath about how horrible I am, she misses her “sweet daughter” – granted she’s help create this monster in me

((I did kick a door in and push her when she came at me out of anger. Ive started to fight back thinking I’m not going to let her intimidate me and bully me when I express my feelings. I’ll fight back just as much as she comes at me))

I kicked her out of my life in December realizing I could not handle the drama btw my parents. She ended up incarcerated. I saved her from it. She complained of how I was letting her rot in there and raged when I confronted her about how she treated my dad.

It’s just absolutely unhealthy. I want out. But don’t want to feel guilt in leaving her.

I’m thinking about giving her an ultimatum. Get counseling, sign-up for these programs that will help you or I’m selling the house and dad’s business, giving you some sustenance, but you mainly need to figure it out on your own ( she gets money from the gov’t)

Any thoughts, help, support, greatly appreciated

Eileen Hall said,

June 17, 2013 @ 9:16 am

I found you today when I needed help most. It is great to know i’m not alone.

I divorced my narcissistic husband last year after 40 years of marriage. I am frazzled, mentally, emotionally and physically. He’s a charming, well know sports person and no one knew what was happening at home. I became so ill and desolate that I had planned my funeral. That was the only way I thought I could escape.

I only discovered he was a N after a year of therapy to reclaim my self-esteem, heart and sole. He nearly destroyed me. Fortunately my son who is 37 understands his father well and distances himself. I’m so pleased he hasn’t been affected.

Today I was looking for a way forward. He is still constantly in my mind. I went No Contact a week ago. I must stick to this for any,hope of being a,normal person again.

Like many other partners of N’s I am a strong woman, well qualified, capable and popular. I’m still trying to understand how I tolerated the abuse for so long.

For anyone reading this. Do not waste your life, health and happiness by delaying getting away for the N. You cannot help them – but you can protect yourself by RUNNING as fast as you can !,,, and don’t look back because he will be waiting for you.

Dr.Sam said,

June 17, 2013 @ 10:19 am

I commend you that you decided to become healthy and got help. I don’t know what country you reside in but if you do in the USA there is the group I recommend called CoDependents Anonymous. Many there have lived with narcissists, and are in recovery to wholeness. Maybe there is a chapter in your city since it is international, I believe.

Dr. Sam

Lorianne said,

July 6, 2013 @ 4:42 am

I just let a Narc after 12 years. We were married and I decided to continue the relationship FIVE years after the divorce. He is classis NPD. Nothing I did was good enough. The final straw came this July 4th when he went off on me for leaving a belt in his Hurricane Sandy destroyed house. After arguing I said FU and left. He still resumed his day by taking people out on his boat. He didn’t call me to ask me to join only to say “I left the dogs in the backyard alone”. I guess he wanted me to go babysit while he was having fun. When I responded that I was at the beach he responded FU. I texted him and told him that it isn’t working and its best if he and I date others. I also let him know that I had a date last night and he should go out and do the same. No response. He also remained on dating sites while we were in couples therapy and justified that by saying it was my fault. We were supposed to move in together but he would rather live at his Narc mothers house and he is 63 years old. I know when his house is finally built again he would have no intention of asking me to come with him. I was just a pawn in his sick games.

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Dr.Sam said,

July 27, 2013 @ 8:51 am

Ar500, All I know is to do what you probably already know… that is, to Google it. I’ve found some decent information under narcissism on YouTube. Sorry, I cannot be of better help. Best regards, Dr. Sam

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Belinda Moore said,

October 4, 2013 @ 5:16 pm

Dr. Sam,
I don.t know what to think anymore. I think it’s narcissim because everything fits with what I’ve read over the past three years but I read a disturbing article from the newspaper ( of a sexual nature) and I caught a look on his face that made my skin crawl. It’s not the first time…..I’ve seen this look before over the decades but apart from feeling extremly uncomfortable. I had no way of understanding it. I would ask him “What’s that look” but it was never resolved.A few years ago I told myself that I was the one with the problem and that I would show true love by accepting him as he was…detached. I was sad but got on with it…still loving him but no longer bringing up perenial problems. I went quiet.I know now he was unconsciously baiting me but I didn’t notice…too busy working on myself in between caring for him and our children but I was sad and lonely.Then he met a rich married woman, who has had multiple affairs that her husband doesn’tknow about, who gave him the attention he craved and before long the two of them were swearing undying love for each other and I realised he never loved me or the children…all was illusion! I’ve been with him and only him all my life and I find out at middle age that I never mattered but I know I was getting mentally healthy and that’s why he was leaving. I think now that yer woman is a sexual narcissist and my “partner” is a cerebral one. They probably would have made it last!! It turns out he has always cheated and I can’t believe how abusive my life with him has been. To get to the point…his ego tempoarily collapsed and he was terrified but he was so honest during that time, and he was natural and beautiful. Then the spoilt rich woman came back after a two years, said her husband was divorcing her and wanted to get together with him. He told her to get lost but ever since that,his calculating look and stomach turning smirk is there. Any time I have been suffering, emotionally or otherwise, he smirks. Other peoples suffering make his eyes light up. I know if I bring that up he gets scared but I’m scared too and lost.I feel like running but I never could run away from things…I don’t know what to think!!! HELP!

Dr.Sam said,

October 5, 2013 @ 6:04 pm

It is hard to give you an answer. This kind of situation needs to have testing put on it. By that I mean, push him in a direction that forces him to have to be unselfish. For example: go to a church/temple you like where the minister/priest confronts pride. Then ask your husband what he thinks. Watch him while in church and when you talk to him. If he squirms at having to surrender his ego to a Higher Power then his narcissism is very much alive. You could also discuss the famous “12 Steps” and get his reaction. What I would do if push gently his buttons on when he shows manipulation, control, dark actions, etc. Then I would find a therapist competent in narcissism and both go.

Belinda said,

October 7, 2013 @ 7:29 pm

Dr Sam,
thankyou for replying and for your advice. I feel more confident now than when I first wrote to you. I watched some of your videos as well and enjoyed them. Some of the things you have advised are already happening and of course I have to look at myself and how the heck I put up with things for so long. There’s nothing like the hefty kick in the behind I recieved when I realised that my own dear beloved one was making plans to dump us. The fairytale is well and truely over…don’t know why I ever believed in it in the first place. It’s disconcerting to see a big lump of a man behave like a spoilt and spiteful child.I couldn’t see it before and now I can’t stop seeing it. I find it sad and I do have compassion but not the exploitative kind. At this moment I feel that I will never again be manipulated because I’ve had it up to my ears with this stuff. Those old patterns have to be watched though. He’s trying and I’m trying and that’ll do for now.
These good sites are a lifeline because people can die from the pain caused by narcissism or become hardened and bitter which is a living death anyway. I’d rather lose the man than the belief in goodness.
Thankyou for your help.

sarah said,

January 20, 2014 @ 4:34 am

hi
don’t know where to start…25 yrs ago when I married and remained in a mentally emotionally and financially abusive relationship
only after I came out of this marriage did I realise he ticked all the traits of a narcissist, probably psychopath.
at 50 im rebuilding my life with my two children and building our family home after he sold our home and took the money to renovate his family home in his country which belonged to his mum and he transferred in his name without giving her a cent. With his legal and cunning mind, he swindled 100,000 of his dads money from business and forced his dad to write a stat dec to give one third of family land cos he helped his father to get the land from bank and then took it from his dad,
he left me and my children on rent and we moved houses 5 times while I took the financial burden with help of my children.

he cheated on me throughout marriage but did it so cleverly that I was not aware until later. He tricked me into buying an investment property to use it as his love pad with his mistress who was a married woman, I paid the mortgage with no rental income for a year.
he used to force me to take antibiotic stating that I have some disease …and his affected..

I believed him and trusted him as he was my husband… I didn’t have any reason not to…im his wife…right…wrong

he had a child wit his mistress cos she couldn’t have one with her husband in ten years of marriage. told me all was finished in 2005. while he made me abort my baby sweet talking that we not ready financially and it’ll happen one day
I love children..i wanted more , he said no
after abortion he said youll never have a child with me again and he kept his word but gave his mistress two children after that. gave her all the happiness,,,and stole away my happiness
but in 2013 he got her in the house me and kids were renting only cos his name was on lease. Now I found out he was always with her and they have two children.
if I hadn’t walked ,iwould have never known until he walked out when I was half dead.. he was fooling me with his sweet talk, living free of me and using me.
he was hiding behind the façade our of our marriage to the society.

he used to call me his diamond and I believed all his words
he always promised to renew our vows, ten years, 15, 20..it never happened, was his personal slave, cooked cleaned and did all housework but I saw it as wifely duties and for the family.
he never bought me flowers though loved it
he NEVER wore a wedding ring in 25 years

as for me im good looking, smart , educated with a degree and working in a great job yet I endured in the name of marriage but also most of the time I was fooled cos he wanted to keep me as his personal slave while he enjoyed his life travelling and not working.

when he realised he lost me forever , he said im sorry,, I never loved u in the 25 yrs and some force stopped me loving you.
then it seemed the penny dropped why he was so cruel to me
also so he can keep distance with hardly any intimacy.
occasionally with No kissing…like a service to keep in marriage

the day we left the house , he woke us up at 7am to set up two beds for his mistress and their two kids.

I was faithful throughout my marriage but he never trusted me and used to send PI when he knew I was going to a party.

Now after six Months he is contacting me to comeback into mine and kids life only so he can live free with no accountability. He treated my kids appallingly
while now with his mistress and their two children , 6 and 8 years m he has to work to look after them which he hasn’t done in ten years.didn’t know he was still in the affair since 2005 and he had his second child in 2007.i found out after moved out in 2013.She left her good heated decent husband for a narcissist!!!..

he used to manipulate, tell lies and swindle from everyone. And now its her time..KARMA

He said I was negative energy , bad hearted while she was good soul and more taller and beautiful then me.
im loved by all my friends and family

BUT im keeping NOcontact…
im a survivor….not a victim
I know he owned my last 25 years
but not the next 25
its mine and my children
im looking forward to a beautiful life ahead of me
im eating well and exercising
want to look and feel great
new lease in life
and there are so many beautiful and wonderful ppl in this world

and have asked all my family and friends never to talkabt him or my past..that’s where it belongs….in the past
and I have tremendous power with this rule

Im looking forward to a beautiful life
carefree life with trust love and honesty

NEVER LOOK BACK….enjoy every moment of your life..cos u don’t know when u breath yr last…don’t waste it on a NOBODY
take the power back..Be the winner
mum used to say ,don’t waste time envying others success, u put energy in becoming a bigger success
im saved
Praise the Lord

Celesta said,

April 21, 2014 @ 6:30 am

Terrific post but I was wanting to know if you could write a litte
more on this topic? I’d be very thankful if you could elaborate
a little bit more. Thank you!

Dr.Sam said,

April 22, 2014 @ 9:42 am

Celesta,

I have more articles and videos at:

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/author/sam/

http://www.youtube.com/user/DoctrSam/videos

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Kim said,

July 16, 2014 @ 12:23 pm

We met at work when we were both married (1995). I was in year 5 of my marriage. He as about 9 mos in. We started as friends, talking every day while at work. He is African-American; I am caucasion. Our friendship continued to develop, and we started to have lunch together. I told him he was in one of my dreams, which seemed to catch his attention. He told me one day he was attracted to me. We started hanging out more and more, and eventually my marriage ended 2 years later. He stayed married, and continued to pursue me relentlessly. I was so exhausted fighting him, that I just gave in, and started to have fun. We were having this full-blown affair. We were together all the time. I would pick him up for work, we worked together, go back to his house at lunch for sex, return to work. He was in law school and I was in grad school, and we would sometimes hang out after classes. I moved closer to his end of town after my divorce, and he came over every.single.day. We rode bikes, went to movies, dinners and drinks and church-related functions, and music festivals and concerts, and you name it. Then we started to travel….extensively. 5-6 trips a year (Florida, New York, San Diego, San Fran, Denver, Cancun, Jamaica, etc). Every.single.day it was “you are so special, beautiful, sexy, smart, I’m the luckiest man in the world” with emails, and text messages and voice messages. Then, while on vacation (2003), the wife called to say she had a positive pregnancy test. Wait, what? Why is she calling him? Turns out she knew about our affair and as he started talking about divorce, she tried to trap him and got pregnant. This was in 2003, baby born in 2004 while they remained married until after the birth, and lived together for 2 years until the divorce was final. So I’m thinking I’m all set – divorced, finally; had a paternity test – he was not the father. He NEVER talked about anything and we continued to travel. He could.not.wait to show me the paternity test results as we enjoyed our hot tub bath tub in Napa Valley, CA. But little did I know after the contentiousness calmed down, he remained friends with her. I later found out he was at her sister’s wedding and rehearsal dinner, spent holidays with them, most likely traveled with her all the while lying to me. Some of the most ridiculous circumstances happenned and when I questioned him, he just spewed forth lie after lie, and of course, I was so in love with him that I believed it all even though it just didn’t feel right and I thought I was just the crazy one!!! But in the 19 years I’ve known him and we were together, I never met his family (they live 400 miles away – no excuse), never met any of his law school friends, and he moved out of the house we used to have sex in every day AND NEVER TOLD ME, so when we had a few fights, and I was knocking on “his” door at 1 am and he didn’t answer cause he didn’t live there, he simply told me he was distraught and met his friends and got drunk and stayed with them and the other time, he said he went back to his office (cause he is a workaholic) and fell asleep in the lounge. I believed him. Only when I began to push back and question him about it, he came up with this reason: God told me to step back from your life – He wants to do something great for you. OMG! The nightly phone calls: stopped overnight. The emails dropped off; the text messages dropped off. I BEGGED him not to let our relationship go after all we’ve been through….but how could I compete with a “word from God?” And even after that period of time, he continued to lie, spend time with his ex-wife (black tie events, donations to the child’s private school as Mr. and Mrs. ____, all the while I’m going through insecurity, low self-esteem, not knowing or understanding what I did wrong for a sudden change of events. I was indeed broken and confused. I have a master’s degree, have a great job, own my own house, and car, and opened up a business for crying out loud! He kept me hanging on…as soon as I would break away, he reeled me back in. This year, I sought counseling through my church, and at one of our last visits, she mentioned narcissism. Well, it all started to make sense. I am now trying the “no contact” rule, and it is going okay, but it is so hard even though this man LIED TO MY FACE! Who knows how many others he has/had in the wings. I gave up my entire life for him, and he didn’t give up one.single.thing. I could’ve had a normal relationship, perhaps children of my own. Now at 48, who can/will I trust? The only difference I see from what others describe is that he NEVER once said mean things to me, or degraded me, or ever really raised his voice. He was/is always encouraging (go back to school for masters, open the business)….but looking back now that there is some distance between us, I could see where insecurity plays a big part EVEN THOUGH IT IS THE LAST THING ANYONE WOULD EVER SEE about him. But the signs are there for sure. I am taking it one day at a time. I force my mind to see the pictures of him at these various functions that he denied. Even when confronted with proof by way of pictures, he still used some other reason or excuse “those are only a snapshot in time” he would say. Narcissism is terrible, and even worse in his case because he touts himself as Christian with great faith. The only thing he prays for is his own success – he wants to walk down the street and have everyone recognize him (his words). He dresses to the “t”, is always well-groomed, and in reality is just okay looking(admittedly), but will pursue until he gets what he wants. Beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Sue said,

February 2, 2015 @ 7:24 pm

It gets better. I can relate to so many stories. My heart aches for everyone and my own history, but one month away from six years of not having the narcissist pulling all the crap described above, I know that there will be a brighter future. It was only a month or two ago, that I faced that “they” were all liars – my mother, the narcissist; boss, the narcissist: and my ex of seventeen years (love that word “ex”). To finally recognize they lied meant that I could be real, I could be me. I was not to blame like they had all always said. The pain and anxiety of my guilt and shame was excruciating for years. I went down many paths to seek help to get out of this hole I was in. I will always attend AlAnon, where good meetings don’t give advice but allow you to express your feelings and be real in a way the narcissists never allow. Battered Women’s Counseling offered professional therapy where I was just numb for the first two years or so. The women in those groups were the nicest women you would want to know. That was a clue. Then, Codependents Anonymous was like going in for surgery, really looking at my behavior and taking care of the narcissists because I believed if I was just nice enough, I would finally get the approval I was desperately seeking. Found out that was one of my biggest mistakes. Like standing up and screaming, beat me, for all the predators around. I took a Mindfulness course where I learned one of the greatest gifts for taking care of myself didn’t cost anything, breathing. It takes discipline to keep it up but I can breath slowly in and out now in the middle of a supermarket when needed. I took social work classes thinking I was going to help others as a therapist until it was apparent that I was not safe in the places I was being sent, but worse, not warned about clients with aggressive tendencies. I learned to take it upon myself to read charts before going out, especially when told, “and don’t go inside their home!” Not my path but what I learned in those classes helped me understand my emotional vulnerability. Not much reference to attachment problems but I was shocked to hear about toddler age not getting the nurturing needed and knowing that is what happened to me, why I had such little trust and didn’t expect more than “the crumbs” in a relationship. I have had great counseling through a sexual abuse counseling program that is getting to the nitty gritty of my shame, the experiences a direct result of neglect by a narcissist. I was not watched or protected, yet I was given very good physical care – nutrition, sleep, clothes, home, medical/dental and so I did not know there was a “problem” growing up until I was 32 years old. We looked good which is no surprise. So I hope I have helped someone because it seemed to me I would never get out of that black hole I was in. There was no ladder for years. Groundhog Day movie just ended and the conclusion is the same. It feels like tomorrow. Tomorrow is that day past the black hole. After a ladder did appear, and I climbed it, and crawled out, and stood up, and finally walking away tiny step by tiny step. It happens. I hope everyone can keep hope that it can, and will, happen. A friend who went through a similar circumstance puts a number of years on it. Maybe I would have gotten this far in this time anyway. Hope. That is the key. If it cost me money to take a course because it gave me hope, so be it. Hope that my life would change. I would give you all a hug if I could. You all deserve it.

Deb said,

February 9, 2015 @ 5:22 am

My narcissistic husband appears to be generous and charming to everyone. He lavishes extended family with gifts and tells them stories of how terrible his life is with me and how sacrificing he is staying with me. He made sure I was not welcome in his family. We had 6 children that are grown now and he gives his favourites large amounts of money. He never discusses finances with me and I am not allowed to know anything about where he spends the money. I worked most of my life and spent all my money on the needs of our children. He belittled everything I did and eventually the children have learned to do the same. I am now 60 and have nothing and no where to go. My children believe him to be a God and I’m just ungrateful that I live with such a magnificent person. If I leave, they will not forgive me, they say. I am very tired, I was so happy and positive and rose above the emotional abuse, hiding it from the children, their whole lives. He was a terrible drunk and always angry when the children were growing up and now he has sucked all the positivity from me, doesn’t drink as much and has taken on my personality and left me a shell of my former self. Have I mentioned, this man and his brother raped their 15 year old sister when he was 18 and the brother 20. His family all know this and stayed away from our home all these years…not talking to me but associating with him.
So. Very tired.

Robin said,

April 26, 2015 @ 4:39 pm

I have just had a terrible experience with a ‘friend’ I’ve known for 20 years. Whilst saying she was helping me through a very rough time, she was at the same time, telling people locally that I was mad, she even told me that she would tell any prospective partner that I met, that I was mad!

I began to think I was mad and I stopped being able to function. Her ‘help’ was twisted because she will do all sorts of things for you, but she will do them behind your back, you don’t know what she’s up to, and then when you do find out, you get an odd disconnected feeling that you should be grateful, alongside a feeling of unease. All very destabilizing.

She will spread rumours about people and criticize them readily, but she does it in such a way that people believe her and not the people she is destroying the reputation of.

When I wouldn’t do what she wanted me to do to ‘improve myself’, she freaked out initially but then carried on being nice to me, in an odd, withdrawn, unfeeling way. As if she was withdrawing her emotional support but hoping I wouldn’t notice, it was passive agressive. I really believed I was the nightmare that she was telling me I was… so did the whole village sadly, then I found out that she had been ‘helping’ other people and was having the same destructive effect on them too. Despite this, she is STILL the one people listen to.

I feel as if I want to move away from the place I grew up in because she is so manipulative and people trust and believe her. I’m very low with no self esteem left after all the ‘help’ that she gave me. The rule seems to be that she tends to have one person at a time ‘adoring’ her and they usually have problems which she sets out to fix. Making you feel as if you should be grateful and later, conflicted when you don’t. You have to do exactly what she suggests to fix your life or she bad mouths you, spreads rumours about you and becomes emotionally cold towards you. She seems to vanish a lot to be left alone. She never tells anyone anything about her life – she drops friends if she thinks they have faults that they won’t let her fix. Is this Narcissism? What can I do about it? Although I have known her for 20 years, I still, even now, know very little about her.

Mel said,

September 21, 2015 @ 6:36 am

I was with my bf 5 years and I’m not sure whether his narcisstic. But this are some of the things he would do. He would give me the silent treatment over saying anything out of line in his context. Would shut the phone on me while I’m trying to prove or even say my side. Would always belittle me and say nasty things. He would even say my car has done way to many km/s in comparison to his. Had no respect towards anyone, would be very opinionated towards my family or others. Would always buy the best gifts but then tell me how much he spoils me and if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be no where. He would always say to me when things get tough you shouldn’t walk away. And I never did till this month because I felt as if I was drained and always on edge in case he would pick at the smallest thing and make me feel bad and edgy. He holds grudges over small things
And he learnt from his father.
I was just wondering whether this a signs of him having NPD

He has lied many times and when I would confront him he would turn around and say don’t bother coming to see me tomorrow

Down but not out said,

November 3, 2015 @ 1:32 pm

I have been married for 43 years to a man that I now realise is a narcissist. When I first met him he was charming, witty, funny, and we got married after a year of courtship with me convinced I had met the man of my dreams. It didn’t take very long before the cracks began to show. He began by telling me he didn’t want my family visiting too often , expected his meals to be ready on time , even though I worked too and that housework was my responsibility. I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall then but in my naievety and desire to be the perfect little wife I overlooked all the signs. After three years of marriage he changed his job. A much higher salary and more responsibility which in turn created more stress. After that our marriage seemed to go downhill rapidly. The higher up the ladder he climbed the more demanding , abusive and nit picking he became. I gave up my job because he wanted me to be at home when he was ( he worked away from home a lot ) flew into rages if I wasn’t at home when he called and when we were told we could not have children ( low sperm count ) that was also somehow my fault. I didn’t realise I was being systematically cut off from friends and family and was then totally dependent on him financially too. After all he kept telling me that the money belonged to both of us, didn’t it ?? Through all the temper tantrums, put downs, and times he wrecked the house, I still made excuses for him. He worked hard, was stressed but oh so sorry afterwards. Obnoxious to waiters, condescending to anyone who he sees as being less than he is, a bully , road rage that is frightening at times. Told me we couldn’t afford a holiday for our 40 th wedding anniversary but then took himself off to the U.S to play golf and watch the Open . Has a wardrobe full of designer clothes and shoes while I do my clothes shopping in cheap chain stores on my ” allowance ” . The straw that broke the camels back came when he told me the house smelled of dogs ( we have two and have had dogs all our married life ) and now he wants them to go and live outside in a kennel. Have finally filed for divorce although I am not expecting it to be easy at least I have no kids to worry about although I am worried about his reaction when he realises I am going to walk away with half the assets.

Nancy said,

May 10, 2016 @ 7:15 am

It is just mind-boggling, the fabric of their psyches seem to be saturated with pure evil, their days, evenings, of “holding court” as it were, of hanging their egos out on the clothesline for all the neighbors to see. But only those in the closest of the circles know the truth. I think it’s actually down to one, that would be me, in this case. Their inability to tell the truth, their ability to malign others, to spin tales uniquely designed that they may reach their goal, be it the attention of another person or the arousal of emotions and feelings in someone, A tale that will capture the unsuspecting soul and pull that person in. In spite of the fact that I have an understanding of NPD and psychopathy, hey, it’s easy to believe when we watch the Ted Bundy’s of the world because they’re not our husbands, they’re not our sons, they’re not our brothers…. But when we look at a person that we have a relationship with for 22 years (18 of them married), and we have to apply the lack of conscience, remorse, guilt, etc., to them, we become weak in the knees. We have been sleeping with the devil for decades! Wake me up when this shit is over, will ya?
Their skill set is so broad, but amazingly when confronted with an issue they almost going to a fugue state, staring off into the distance, asking O what were we talking about? Just recently I caught my soon-to-be ex-husband in an incredible lie where he had written to his new girlfriend that his wife was a “substance abuser” – he had actually been sitting with me all day (emotionless) in the emergency room after I had fallen and broken my arm…. Which would make number 2, the other arm had been broken three weeks earlier! I am a nurse who has worked for 18 years in psychiatry, The last stint was six years in acute psych that included detoxing from both hard drugs or alcohol. Fortunately, and by the grace of God, I have never had an issue with either one, but my husband’s new girlfriend has had people in her past apparently who have. I have had dear friends fall prey to the lure of opiates, shaking my head, I wonder why did you try that even once!?
While I was absolutely livid when I saw a text where he referred to me as a “substance abuser” and said “I should make the hospital aware” !! entire bullshit (and just think, this guy is 65 years old!!!) but I firmly understand the reason that he sent her that was not to malign me. Yes it took a little time for me to “get it”. I frankly did not matter one bit. he simply used that situation with me that day to pull on her heartstrings, to pull her into his little emotional chaotic drama… ALL for the purpose of creating this false bond, this false connection, this Simpatico, based on a fictional tale that he wove! He will appear as though he is deeply confiding in her, she will offer advice, back-and-forth they will go like a couple of old hens, with him pouring forth how problematic I am, with my – let’s say, unpredictable behavior, dangerous behavior, costly and worrisome behavior, you name it! and make it up as you go along, pull your information from stories she has told you or perhaps from a movie you saw or a book you read or one of the New York Times bestsellers! Oh how he tried to weasel out of that one — speaking of weasels, that man is a weasel with rabies. 22 years and that is well that’s just a portion of the lies he has told about me I’m sure —yes their imaginations are far reaching, words (and practiced delivery) are a psychopathic narcissist’s best friend and best tool to get the job done. Smooth as a babies ass! All those years in psych and I always stayed away from axis 2…. Why??? All those people are icky. I much prefer a good thought disorder,lol! The truth is we are from more likely to run into people with personality disorders or variety of their traits that affect their functioning and essentially our lives, than we are to run into people who are brain-damaged or suffer from a thought disorder.
Beyond a shadow of a doubt, their smoothness is unrivaled. It is delivered with the most casual aplomb, you would never notice it! You would simply believe what they say, not doubt it, not second-guess it. God help us all and give us the strength and the intelligence and the clarity to work through this crap!!

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