Comments on: Narcissists Who Cry: The Other Side of the Ego

By: Dr.Sam

Dr.Sam — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 21:45:10 +0000

Noella, it sounds like you feed his irresponsibility and his desire to stay a little boy and play. I encourage you to separate and if he does not get his act together and consistently show you that he is growing up and being responsible and caring, say “Goodbye.” Otherwise, you will become an old, tired, and bitter lady who dreams about what could have been. Test from a distance, if he fails, move on.

Dr. Sam

By: Dr.Sam

Dr.Sam — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 21:42:33 +0000

Fofo… I would not win his heart back. With the world being a few billion in population, don’t you think you can find a better person suited for you? … Be careful that you are not addicted to this person. If so, find a therapist that works with the past and knows how to disconnect your dependence (almost like a trauma imprint) expertly, so you can move on. Leave this guy alone. Move on. Smell the flowers!

Dr. Sam

By: Dr.Sam

Dr.Sam — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 21:39:48 +0000

Diana,

You are in a tough bind. You walk a delicate line between enabling your daughter and ending up supporting her irresponsibility. You must be very careful not to fall into the trap of empowering her to use you and your husband. The risk here is the potential taking away of the grandchild by the State if she is deemed irresponsible as a mother. At some point she has to reap her actions. Be careful, your sanity is at stake. Only help your daughter on conditions that she gets help and is accountable. Perhaps she has to immediately join AA and get herself a sponsor.

Dr. Sam

By: Noella

Noella — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 15:21:22 +0000

Hi Dr Sam,

Oh God! You are describing my husband. Thank you for this article! This picture reflects him so very much! I never do enough for him (according to him, it is impossible mission anyways) I looked into other Narcissistic personalities but he is really an extreme one. Exactly as described here, a victim who is entitled to everything, he would be nice for some time just to take more advantage of you after! He would cry easily and show emotions (when we get married, when our son was born, when he would remember the past times spent together) Sometimes, he would remember the first hotel room that we took together and yet he forgot my 1st birthday and our 1st marriage anniversary…Completely inconsistent! And he would feel emotions for times spent that I didn’t like at all!! It’s all in his head!
Two years after being married, we have no couple life, he lives in his own room, watches porn websites, he is rude and insulting, has no empathy when I express that I am suffering this situation, he is workaholic and I have difficulty taking time for me, it is all about his work outside, his work and home renovation inside, all week, or he is tired, he is sick, EVERYDAY!!! It is all about him!!
I just don’t understand that, every time there is a big stress between us, he would get sick, it’s almost like a automatic in him!!!! so all the attention has to be around him all the time! He then wants me to prepare that special tea mix for him and pamper him, etc. Of course, I have to cook and care for the baby at the same time and I have my own work!!
He grinds his teeth at night (bruxism since many years, he already broke a couple teeth), he is like a child, he likes it when I caress his hair, but I stopped doing it because I get nothing in return…We have no intimate life anymore…Our families try to get us to re conciliate but he is not changing or he would change for a few days and comes back to his old habits…This morning, he said he misses me sometimes when he is at work but when he comes back home, he doesn’t!! How can you answer that!!
I find him totally immature, childish, unrealistic and not facing his issues! He has been pampered by his parents until they preferred his younger brother over him when it was the time to manage the business family, I believe this caused him to disconnect from people around him and become narcissistic, he is not self-confident and is hard to follow, he would be very nice and caring and rude & selfish the same day!
I have issues leaving him because we have a baby and I hope (yes) that some day maybe he will grow up enough!! and realize he is causing himself and others grief, he still “hates” his parents for what they did…He never faces his issues, he is a bad manager, a bad boss…They just had to make a business decision not because they didn’t love him!
Any advice or insight on my situation? Thanks in advance for all.

By: fofo

fofo — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:58:02 +0000

Dear Dr.Sam,
I was in a relation with a narcissist for almost 3 years. He adored me, worshiped me and changed many things about him just for my sake. But because of the huge emotional burden he put on me to provide him with 24/7 attention and because I had to take the responsibility of anything gone wrong in our relationship, I cracked and walked away. I know that I hurt him but he hurt me too. And still after another 3 years of break-up, I’m still holding the responsibility of “losing his faith and trust” in me. This goes well with what I’ve read about narc. that they have “mistrust issues” and I proved to him that I’m a distrustful person. I want to win his heart again but he made it clearly to me that I don’t stand any chance. I need your advice. What to do?How can I gain his trust?How can I make him take me again in his life?

By: Diana

Diana — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 03:10:53 +0000

I have a daughter who is now 25 and 1/2. she has a 3 year old Daughter. My only Grandchild. We moved to be close to them. about 6 months after we moved here, she found her fiance was cheating on her. It has now been over 1 and 1/2 years and she is consumed with anger and rages constantly about this. She also has started drinking heavily and had a DUI last Feb 2011. She, until that time, had always told us how many friends she had at her work and how she had a great deal of support. however, when she lost her driver’s license, it was me and her disabled Father who had to get up at 5am to drive her to work and then pick her up every day. we also did her shopping and even made special trips out for her a pack of cigarettes or whatever she might need. Since she has gotten her license back and now has moved and does not need our help on a constant basis – she has made it almost impossible for us to see our 3 year old granddaughter. She is our only one, and the apple of my eye. I have watched this last year as my daughter’s face book account went from photos of our granddaughter and moved to photos of her, everyday a new one. a photo of her at parties, hugging friends – girls very closely – and always with a shot of the tray of “jello-shots”. As she just had a DUI, I mentioned she might not want to publish these things. but – anything I say that she does not like is punished with less visitation and she becomes easily angered at small misunderstandings. If I say 1 thing she takes the wrong way, and she uses it to be angry with me for a month or longer. she now has a younger girl she has allowed to move into a back room of the house she rents. It was actually my suggestion she get a roommate as she was always having financial problems. but- she still is. She always has money for beer, wine or whatever else she wants to drink. She brings food home from the preschool she works in. we feel she may well be having the problems you talk about here as well as some other issues. Her biological Father was diagnosed as a Psychotic who killed his brother very brutally 1 week prior to my divorce hearing. He was never formally charged and left the area a week later. I am worried about what she may do regarding our granddaughter and am not sure if we should simply leave and not have any contact or try to stay to be around for our granddaughter. I love the little girl very much. I have only spent time playing with her and giving her my attention. I would admit, losing that part of my life, at this point would hurt me quite a bit. but, having it used as a tool by my daughter is much more painful. I am torn.. If you can offer any advice, it would be appreciated. Thank you for anything you can offer. I know this is not as serious as any of the problems posted. Very truly , Diana

By: Dr.Sam

Dr.Sam — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 11:35:18 +0000

Heartbroken,

Though my profession believes, typically, that narcissism cannot be healed, I do. Go to my YouTube Channel to th is video: http://www.youtube.com/user/DoctrSam?feature=mhee#p/u/3/WypPsChc_ok

One thing I recommend to your friend is to seek his Creator. I know that there is a possibility that he is an atheist. You see, narcissism is atheistic because the narcissist believes he/she is god. The cure? Give up divine status. Realize you are a mortal and need help just like everybody else. I would start with doing the famous 12-Steps of recovery that are used in all the “Anonymous” groups and Recovery groups. Everybody should do this since it is so healthy. Your friend needs to find a clergy member, therapist, etc. that he can trust and open up for a beginner. Be careful yourself because you don’t want to lose your “life” on someone that might never change. Hope this helped a little.

Dr. Sam

By: heartbroken

heartbroken — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 04:43:07 +0000

My boyfriend in his teens was thrown into a mental hospital while still on a hallucinatory drug by his own parents. He woke up still tripping, locked away for 30 days without sunlight or any family members or friends. I believe this caused him to become a narcissist. he is also from a very privileged family, and is supported financially for the most part, but not emotionally. He barely talks about his emotions, and when he does, he just tells me how guilty he feels for using all the people in his life. So I ask, is it possible for a narcissist to change? Because he hates himself so much, and it is so painful. I know I should just leave him, but even as a friend, I can’t leave someone with so much hatred for themselves.

Also, he has been a good friend to me, he does love me. I just want to at least try to help him as he helped me. I wish I could get him to open up, I have, more then anyone else it seems. Admitting his guilt, and his ill treatment of people, and his sorrow over it was huge, but it’s so obvious it’s all linked to this deep dark secret or past he carries around that he punishes himself with. Is there any way I can help him? I’m strong enough to.

By: Dr.Sam

Dr.Sam — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 20:40:48 +0000

Gwen,
The model I use for healing is based on finding the original imprint event where you either received a trauma shock and/or changed your belief. Once you locate it then you can use many methods to alter/reframe/change the event/belief, hence releasing negative feelings or old habits. I hope that helped. Dr. Sam

By: unfriendissits

unfriendissits — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 07:47:05 +0000

I know a person who fits your model of extreme narcissists. The means this person uses to manipulate others is with illness. Her many, many illnesses are always some freakish medical anomaly, real doctor bafflers. She sees doctors all the time for one illness or another. Often she pushes for test and reports to everyone that the doctors think the worse. One time the doctor put her off on her surgery and opted to send her to a psychical therapy clinic instead. She was very angry because she insist she needs major surgery and is in extreme pain, but her doctor is an unskilled hack the insurance company is forcing on her and he doesn’t care about her suffering. This problem with illness extended to her children as well. They were also freaks of medical science…until they grew up and moved out. I always considered her to have Munchhausen, but something you said kind of made me wonder. The whole “limelight” thing…she’s gone off on me for stealing her special moments, something I never planned to do. For instance, many years ago when neither of us had children I got pregnant with my first child on accident. She came over crying and accused me of upstaging her by deliberately getting pregnant before her. It was really insane behavior. Then when I became extremely ill she stopped coming around or calling. Everyone really thought I would die, but I recovered and I’m better than new. She started coming back around and I told her how abandoned I felt by her in my illness. She said she just couldn’t stand to see me that way and she had lots of bad things going on at the time…for 6 years. When I talk to her or read the things she writes to other people on the social network it’s always about how horribly she is suffering. Her friends, most of whom only know her online are very caring and wonderful to her and she says nice thing back to them. If they have any problem..like some illness she shares with them the time when she had the same illness and tells them how grateful they should be their problem isn’t as bad as hers was. Lately…she sickens me so I am avoiding her. I told myself it was because she was such a negative person in disguise as a positive person…but I see now she is just an extreme narcissist. In the past I was always there for her.