Narcissists Who Cry: The Other Side of the Ego

Jennifer said,

First I just want to thank you for all of your helpful advice and insights and the stupendous job you are doing to reach others.
I just realized wihtin the past month or so that my husband of almost 3 years fits the bill as a extreme narcissitic personality. His parents did not “spoil” him, however he was pampered and given some of the nicer materialistic things that he wanted. Still today, if he cannot afford to pay a bill, he will ask his parents for money and of course they enable him and give him money.
A little bit of background information about his childhood: His sister is 10 years older than he is and when he was 14 she got pregnat with twins. Well, she ended up having to move back in with their parents and take care of the twins. My husband began to resent the twins and everything they represented. I feel like he was hurt and is emotionally stuck as a teenager. He is very selfish, prideful, thrives on admiration, and does not empathize with my feelings or issues. I enjoy deep, meaningful conversation and I ours are only superficial and we never have any real quality time together. As long as everything is going his way he is okay. However, in a stressful situation, he will become irrate, angry, and frustrated. I am intimidated and scared of him. He has cussed and yelled at me and even threaten to kill himself in front of me if I left him.
I am at my wits end and feel myself going crazy being with him. ANy advice you have would be most helpful.
Thanks and have a fantabulous day!

Jen said,

Dr. Sam,

WOW!!! This article is written about my husband, isn’t? You must know him for this to be so nearly accurate!!

Actually, I was wondering what you would call someone who is this extreme narcissist, who becomes threatening and violent, the kids and I were “support people” is his life. But he also had borderline rage, projection, JEALOUS, POSSESSIVE, controlling, became coercive, threatening, dangerous….

I had to file divorce three times to get him served. Once he knew my intention, all bets were off. He was either ignoring (rarely) or verbally beating me down. The vulgar, vile, disgusting language to me and our two teens and in front of our little boys was a horrific nightmare. The last six months was never-ending, abject hell.

After a five year protection order was in place and he was served with divorce papers, and had to pay spousal and child support, and never return to “his” house, he broke the order via phone and text about 10,000 times. He started threatening to kill me, recorded vm’s of dry-firing guns, texts of him hiring someone to come here and kill me, etc. He was finally arrested for attempted aggrevated murder, menacing by stalking, etc, arrested with torture kit in his car, his commanders took a sniper rifle away from him before allowing him to drive 16 hours to “take care of personal business”. They knew he wanted to kill me. Can you say “NIGHTMARE”??

Question? I think he’s psychopath. Could he be Narcissist Borderline and be suicidal and revenge seeking?? The Army is putting him out for Dom Violence – he pled guilty to Menacing by stalking and Felony Breach of Protection. Local police forgot to read him his rights – torture kit was suppressed. Army diagnosed him PTSD/Temporary so no medical retirement – he’s a major with 15yrs active duty and 12 yrs reserve and IRR.

I am scared. I’ve read about the carrot and stick and how psychopaths separate the two. He is NOT afraid of police or courts-never was. (Infantry, CIB, Ranger Tab, Psychological operations, combat patch w/ 82nd airborne, jump wings, expert Field medic, ARMY GOD…..

He no longer wants to control me and keep me locked up, now that I got away, he wants me dead. He has had new females interests in the past three years and he still wants me (and the older kids) dead.

He recently petitioned the courts for visitation with our 8 and 10 year old boys. He once threatened to drown them in front of me (at a hotel pool) if I called the police to report him for breach of protection.

ANY SUGGESTIONS????

Dr.Sam said,

Hello to you,

Best thing with these types of narcissists that must win at all costs is not to take their bait, their taunts, their provocations, and their insults, or manipulations. When I have been in similar situations I simply smile and say, “Really?” and then change the subject or move on (physically or conversationally). That infuriates them but too bad.

Refuse to tangle. Only then you have all the power.

Dr. Sam

jennifer said,

I have been married to my husband 27 years. He has always critized everything I do, from driving to cooking, cleaning, and sex. He has been so rude to my friends that I don’t have very many now. The ones I do have don’t like him, and seem to see through him. I feel in the begining, he brainwashed me. I had such a low self esteem by the 6th year, and 4 kids, that I was in major depression. I am a very good and strong person. I am also very stupid I feel. I was the main supporter of our family for most of our marriage. He took little responsibility for us, and always told me that when his music career took off, I could pursue my dreams. We never had an intimate relationship, either emotional, or sexual. Sex was only when he was drunk, and no more that 4 times a year. He stepped out on me a few times that I know of, and humiliates me by hitting on my friends, and aquaintences, in front of me, subtley. The main thing he is concerned about was always what others thought of him. He ordered me around like I was his maid. Everyone would come up to me and tell me what a wonderful man he was and how lucky I was to have him.
I ran around trying to take care of everything, and to reinvent myself to try to make him love me. I am now a person that is very tough, and can feel little emotion. I am slowly trying to get my self respect back. It seems to be working somewhat. I am still married to him. We have no connection though.
Thanks for letting me voice this, even if there is no response, maybe someone will read it and relate.

The real question here is: What disorder is it that I have?

Charlene said,

Hello,

My deceased mother was an extreme narcissist and my brother, the golden boy in the family, is also a narcissist. I did not realize how serious his condition was until I found out that he had a nine year old daughter that he was keeping secret in his town. The secret has slowly come to light in his town and he is being forced to deal with it. I confronted him about it and am still reeling from the shock. No one in my family knows yet. I have struggled for years to deal with the damage from my mother. I feel that my brother learned all to well that “daughters are disposable.” Despite our disparate treatment, my brother and I have been close. I know that I am still in shock but my gut instinct is that I need to stay far from him as I will not be part of his “narcissitic supply” and provide excuses for his behavior. I fear some members of my family will cater to him and ignore too much of his evil behavior. So I also think I will need to stay away from those members of my family that enable him. Please help!

Kasey said,

Dr Sam, I would really like some advice on this matter, though countless others have tried to tell me to leave, but I just can’t.

My sigificant other and I have been together for almost 7 years, he’s 24, I’m 23. I believe him to be an extreme crying narcissist, and I really think he needs help. The first few years of our relationship were like a fairytale, he was so considerate, loving, respectful, and we both communicated our feelings so very well, and we were eachother’s support system, no matter what the upset.

Over the past few years, I’ve noticed more clearly his “poor me” personality, everything that goes wrong in his life is the end of the world, and anyone with a differing opinion than his can “go f*** themselves”. When he’s happy and things are starting to look up, our relationship is great, we really are like best friends… but as soon as anything is said or done that might not please him, he goes off the handle and acts like a child again. I call him my “pregnant man”. His emotional swings are tiresome and, at times… dangerous. The relationship has become abusive with his use of alcohol to “feel better” or “take away his back pain”, and I have left him several times, but I always come back, because in reality I really do love him, so much, and it hurts to see him as this person I don’t even know anymore. I don’t *want* to leave him, and be just like everyone else who has abandoned him, I do care for him, and I’m afraid that if I do leave, that he won’t get better, that things won’t change when I’m ready to come back, or when he thinks he is… I don’t know what to do anymore, I really truly don’t want to leave this relationship.
I’m not “blinded”, because I know that’s what people are going to say when they read this, I’m continually grasping the fragments of what used to be so wonderful, and still are when they appear from time to time… I don’t want to give up when I know in my heart that the love is still there.
I’ve given up all elements of who I am since I met him, but I also healed from things that hurt me in the past, while I have been with him. He has helped me to overcome an emotional rollercoaster, but now it seems like it’s his turn… I’m afraid his problem is a lot worse than mine were… I’d like him to see a therapist every week but we don’t have any money to spare, or health insurance. He has been through so much trauma in his life, It’s understandable for him to have mental health issues. He knows he does, and when we do go through these fighs or separation he does feel guilty, he does wish he could stop it, they are real feelings, and that’s importan to me, that he *does* recognize that he has issues.

He grew up in an abusive household, feelings were not spoken about, no greif, no loneliness, nothing. His father was an alcoholic, his mother possessive yet negligent. Fortunately, I’ve helped him to cut all ties with his family, and he’s better off for it, yet his selfishness remains, and he’s in utter denial of it. He expects to be doted upon and praised for every tiny little thing he does, like putting gas in the car, taking the trash out, feeding the cat, going to work, leaving me the last apple in the fridge, etc etc. Things that normal people do all the time out of responsibility and consideration, he wants to be worshiped for, a simple thank you is never enough, though he doesn’t say so. Help me Dr. Sam, I love my narcissist, so much it hurts me. I don’t want to leave. What advice can you give me?

Francis said,

I think this article uses some terms incorrectly.

“The egotistical narcissists are typically created in one of two ways.” etc…

The first paragraph describes the possibile origin of a character flaw. Everybody knows these people and has dealt with them in social situations. It’s been shown in studies that this level of narcissism declines over time. These people can learn through life experiences and correct the undesireable behavior.

The second paragraph descrbes the origins of a mental illness, a personality disorder. As anyone who knows an NPD-diagnosed individual can attest, this does NOT get better with age, and often gets worse. These people do NOT have the ability to learn from life experiences…not because they are stupid, but because they never developed a way to

It’s also important to recognize that being controlling, manipulative, self absorbed is NOT exclusive to narcissism or NPD.

If you are a non-narcissist dealing with difficult or abusive people, the disticntion probably doesn’t matter. But for a person with a problem in themselves, it makes all the difference.

Dr.Sam said,

Melzville, Sorry that the clinicians you saw were not sharp enough to see what was going on. A good family therapist is able to spot when a narcissistic spouse is turning the tables on the other spouse and playing like they are victim.

I have seen patients similar to your situation. They are distrustful of me as a result. The reason for therapists being like this could vary. It can be due to not wanting to offend because of money involved. It can be because of ineptitude. Last of all and a very real possibility, if the therapist is also an extreme narcissist (and some are) he/she will have a built-in blind spot. I hope this helped.

Dr. Sam

Dr.Sam said,

Kasey,

It is difficult to respond to all your points. What stands out to me is that you are are rescuing your husband. Another word for that is “enabler.” I recommend you attend a CoDependents Anonymous group in your area to understand more what there is in you that is not healthy and attracts all this drama and pain that includes your husband’s condition. My experience with extreme narcissists that it will take a very big event/trauma in their life to get their attention to change. Sometimes it might take a marital separation to get their attention. You need to assess if you can continue to take the toxicity of your husband indefinitely. In light of that you make a decision to separate or permanently leave him… or stay.

I hope this helped a little.

Dr. Sam

Veronica said,

I want to reply to all respondents on this site and Dr. Sam. Having been in a dominated relationship and since, having worked with those who are or have suffered abusive relationships I can empanthize with you all. I particularly, (I’m not sure why) feel drawn to one day @ a time respondent from september 2010. I live in the U.K. and am a facillitator for the Freedom Programme and would adivise all of you to look at the website http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and take in the information or better yet, buy the book. I wish that I could bring the Freedom Programme to all of you who have contacted Dr. Sam’s site.

Dr. Sam,for me at least, has hit the nail on the head with his view of relationships with a narcissist. I intend to recommend this site for scrutiny by those who enlist on our programme.

Audrey said,

Dear Dr. Sam,

Reading your article has awakened me to just how extremely narcissistic my boyfriend is. I always knew he had some narcissistic tendencies, but he really does fit the mold to a T.
This leaves me at a crossroads as his girlfriend of 3 years. I am 22 years old, he is 43 years old, and he has been functioning this way (I believe) since the day his father died, 20 years ago.
He has actually managed to cash in on it — taking his “persona” to a whole new level 7 years ago when he started making a comedy-reality series for television. It has had impressive success, so therefore he’s being constantly rewarded and idolized for these behaviors.
He surrounds himself with sycophants that he uses and trashes, and he never wants to be alone. He complains on a regular basis that I don’t take care of him enough, I don’t appreciate him etc. And for a moment I was believing him, and thought i was being lazy or negligent – that i was a bad girlfriend. But now i realize it’s just another one of his symptoms.
He degrades me in front of friends (in a joking manner), he diminishes my feelings when i get upset. Says I’m just being dramatic, crazy, hormonal etc. I feel disrespected because he sees me as unequal. Together we found a house and renovated it for a year to make it perfect for us – and it is. But it’s still made clear that it’s HIS house because he paid for it.
Having said all of this, I have seen his soul, if you will. I see the goodness in his heart, and I truly adore him – his positive qualities are exceptional! He’s charming, smart, hilarious, generous, and a joy to be around. The real issue i have with his narcissism is the emotional barrier he lives through, and how I’m not getting the support I need. We are at a point now where either we make a change and move forward, or throw in the towel and move on.
If history repeats itself, we’ve hit the highest level of relationship that he’s capable of, and it will all soon diminish. But I believe in him, I believe if he dares to venture into that scary realm of the heart and feelings, that his eyes will be opened and he’ll see life in a whole new light. I’m happy to report that I’ve been able to reach him enough so that he’s agreed to see a specialist, and I want to thank you for awakening me to all of this. It may just save a couple lives, and hopefully a relationship.
Any additional advice would be greatly appreciated!

A.

Alli said,

Hello Dr. Sam,
In a most narcissist way I want to ask you how I can heal.

Working mom
Parents divorced at birth
Father disconnected.

Sensitive child. (nature/animals/people)
left at 8 weeks with babysitters constantly
LOVING MOTHER
over indulged (spoiled)
only child
childhood trauma at 4 (seeing something with animals)

I tipped and decided that all people were cruel.
I shielded myself for years from TV, movies and news articles that I deemed disturbing.

I learned pedophiles were real and a problem at age 40.
That is how well I shielded myself.

Now, today I am 52 years old. My husband divorced me. I changed when I was put on Prozac. I had a bipolar episode and life went downhill for 14 years. I came off all medication 2 years ago.

No help with detox. No therapy as I don’t trust people.

Now, I am having problems and after reading your articles believe that I am a narcissist, possibly borderline personality.

Depression overwhelms me when I think of offering myself to the world.
I don’t want to be rejected.

I understand this fear is from perceived trauma.

How do I get passed this?

How do I resolve anger after (feeling like) I lost 14 years of my life due to mis management of psychotropic medication.

I have searched for a therapist, I have called therapists and interviewed them. I get confused and really don’t know with whom I should place my trust.

Can you recommend how one would go about find a therapist in another part of the country?
OR
Do you do consultations over the phone?
I see you do Skype and maybe I should look into that.
I appreciate you sharing your knowledge. You’ve opened my eyes!

mrs dee said,

this article describes the man I married and who for 2 and a bit years has made my life a living stress that won’t / can’t go away. He needs drama to validate his life. He regularly flips from talking himself up and explaining how only he is capable of big ideas that are going to change the worl of investment banking (which may or may not be true) to then suddenly being the vicitim of1. Parents who divorced when he was 10, 2. Being forced into to only get top grades throughout his lif, 3. Losing 3 close friends horribly in the same year and fleeing his home country to Europe to try and start again….I fell in pity for this man, even though at the time I already knew he was bad for me. When I tried to leave him as he was still married and I didn’t feel I could hack the lack of integrity I was showing, he would make me believe that his wife was a cruel, manipulative woman who used their children as tools against him and that I was the only person who could make him happy. I am a musician and he needed my music to stay sane. Yes, I’m afraid there was a vanity in my music and he knew I needed support wwith it and it worked. He did leave his wife eventually and I vowed to to stay clear of him during that processs. He was round my door every day with flowers crying even when I ASKED HIM NOT TO COME BECAUSE I wsn’t ready for him. I bbecame pregnant by hiim, unplanned. He was delirious with excitement’ and got down on one knee immediately. I wanted to think it through, break the news to family and get general advice as I knew he was unstable, prone to violence (regularly smashed glass vases or jist wine glasses). My family only knew the persona in public that my husband portrays very convincingly …charming, articulate, caring or . Behind closed doors he is foul mouthed, volatile, emotionally draining and verbally abusivve. I knew all of this yet I consulted family who didn’t and agreed to marry him. The day my son was born he told me he wanted to commit suicide. I had to work emotionally overtime to help support him through his urges while be there for my boy. when breastfeeding, my husband stoof over me telling me how his ex wife was breastdeeding their children and how great that was. All the while I felt growinng resentment that my moment, my tun w was not even registering with him. He would regularly step over our son on the way to the drinks cabinet ignoring him and i would have to point out that that object there was his son, fancied a cuddle? He would then get angry and tell me I had no idea what it was like to be in his shoes with 2 sets of families to support and a bitchy ex wife on the phone demanding this or that. So I would take pity on him….again….. We’ve done counselling witha trauma specialist who has done somatic therapy with him but I know our mairtal issues persist. I am actually emotionally exhausted trying to please my husband when all the while he is getting what is good for him, but does not support the family. He lies to me, I discover him using the home computer that I bought so that he could Skype his children in the US, to access dirty porn. I confront him about it and explain how let down I feel. He retorts that he was just bored and that the real problem is me…he says I am nasty, spiteful and rude. …the same adjectives he uses to describe his ex wife. nothing gets resolved, my feeling of no value and no worth in his eyes remains and my growing desire to get out for my sake and my son’s grows. I discover I’m pregnant again. my mother advised me not to switch off the sex even if he absolutely doesn’t deserve it because he’ll look for it in another womaan. So I have been rewarded for my efforts and while I’m delighted that my son will have a sibling to grow and learn with, I dread the extra effort of having to shield not 1 but 2 children from an uncaring selfish father and try and make their father proud and caring of his current family. I know that I was brought up to put my best foot forward, to confront problems and want to find solutions that would be for the benefit of the family. For everything I put in, I get name calling, rudeness, out of the blue random behaviour and I am getting sick and tired or being pushed into either feeling sorry for this man or feeling guilty that I have driven him to be this man.

Narcissists Who Cry: The Other Side of the Ego « Realistic Recovery said,

[...] DrSam.tv (http://www.drsam.tv/2010/03/29/narcissists-who-cry-the-other-side-of-the-ego/) related article: How to Spot a Narcissist [...]

Nadine said,

Dear Dr. Sam,

Like many people here and on every other website I’ve researched I too am with a narcissistic mate. I divorced him in 2009 but he wouldn’t and still won’t leave! Now, I know why, I am his main source of narcissistic supply. And I also know I am co-dependent and this is a very addictive relationship. I don’t know why I don’t send him packing. My friends say it’s because I’m afraid of being alone. Probably true. I’m looking into some group therapy in my area to find out what’s wrong with me that makes me still want him. I can’t leave, it’s my home, and I’m not going to try and sell in this economy! He is a serial cheater, that would make one think that would be it. But not me! We still live together as husband and wife (sort of) still sleeping together, that’s why I consider any woman he is with is still cheating. I somehow managed to overlook most of it, but in January when one of his girls told me to leave him alone, she’d been “dating” him for 2 1/2 months, I totally lost it. The word dating just crushed me. He left for 2 1/2 weeks then one day just showed up again, and I let him back. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I was told by friends to change my locks but no… his hooks in me are so deep.

There are a few oddities about him though that I have not read anywhere related to narcissists. He is a kind of hoarder, brings stuff home from thrift stores constantly. Knick knacks, household goods, shoes and clothes for both of us, (none of this is needed or wanted by me). He has never been able to keep a job, he just doesn’t like working. He sells shoes at the flea market to make the money that buys the stuff that he fills my place up with. And also to go to his home country very often. I’ve been with him for almost 8 years and he has never paid anything towards the mortgage or any other bills. He thinks he’s contributing by bringing junk home. And the biggest thing is, he does not talk or discuss or anything. When I asked him about his dating adventure, he just clams up, doesn’t look at me, won’t say a word. And this is how he always is when I bring anything up, that obviously makes him uncomfortable. I can see his eyes darting back and forth as he thinks of some grand lie to tell me. The funniest one was back in September, he returned from visiting his country, I was cleaning out his toiletry bag and found condoms. When I asked him about them he said “oh, they aren’t mine, they’re my friends”. As I conjured up a scenario in my head I got hysterical laughing and he stormed away. I can’t believe what a fool I am. Are hoarding, and not working and not talking also narcissistic traits? I hope I find a good group therapy that can help me get away from all the drama that is his life.

Dr.Sam said,

I congratulate you for being delivered from toxicity!

Lisa Wascher said,

I was married to a narcissistic victim that used me and moved on. I know I am fortunate that he left, but am still dealing with the self-esteem and financial issues left over. I hope someday I will look back and feel blessed.

Amanda said,

Hi

I have been reading up for the last few days on narcism due to a recent trauma..well, sort of a rejection from someone I considered was an old friend but who basically snubbed me and, it hurt. It has opened up an ocean of unresolved feelings for me. I come from a broken home and a traumatic childhood, parental split, you could say the very two things you described to describe the victimised narcissist did happen to me, I was smothered and over protected as a child and I cried a LOT, then, when my Father abandoned me at 7, it just got worse. I acted out and was a very angry child.

I am now in my thirties and the crying continues. However I am deeply ashamed about it and am not close to many people. I feel I have let a lot of people down and I am full of self pity, and not joy at all. I am so confused though. I think my mother is narcisstic at times, and that I have acted out on the trauma of my father leaving by inviting narcisstic males into my life who have dominated me and ultimately abandoned me eventually.

Some kind of shift has happened in the past few years though, as I am in a happy relationship with someone very gentle and loving and we have not got any big intimacy issues to speak of and I enjoy his company and don’t, as far as I can make out, act out with him.

I am really confused though, I don’t know who’s the narcissist, me, my mother …and/or some of my siblings, if my Dad was, or if the grey areas far outweigh the labels.

All I know is, I have been guilty of black and white thinking and banished people from my life in the past, which I am very sad about sometimes but beginning to realise that I can’t change it. I am also guilty of whining and playing the victim. I feel I have been depressed for so long that I don’t really know any other state of being and I allowed life to race past me thus far. Although I have done a lot of therapy, maybe my approach was from the view that I can be “fixed” whereby if anyone’s going to change anything about themselves, it starts from inside.

Sorry this is so long, this feels like the beginning of a journey for me. I do not live in the US and just wondered if you could recommend some reading on the topic.

Thank you

PS I am glad to find one doctor who thinks there is help for recovering narcissists, whether I am one or not, at the end of the day they’re still people and most other “experts” are painting them as monsters. I think that people who dance with narcissists need to take a little more responsibility for their part in the dance also, I think the narcissist victims are capable of “black and white” thinking as much of the narcissists are, would you agree?

Thank you for sharing your experiences and giving me food for thought. I live in hope that I can learn from my pain and not p*ss too many more people off while I walk the planet!

Dr.Sam said,

Amanda,

I am sorry you have endured so much pain and abandonment. I do have a book that I would recommend as a starter. Since you shared that your mother was or is a narcissist. It is by psychologists Townsend and Cloud and the book is called “The Mom Factor.” It can be a difficult book to read. You might cry a lot when you see your losses and you might have to grieve those losses when you identify them. That is a good thing. Once you can point to specific areas that you did not get from your mother and the resulting deficits then you can start to tacke them. I hope this response is helpful to you. Sorry it took me a while to get back. I teach as a professor and I have a very busy private practice and sometimes it is difficult for me to answer comments. I wish you good health, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Dr. Sam

Amanda said,

Dear Dr Sam

Thank you for your reply, I realise how busy you must be so I do appreciate it. I will have a look for that book on Amazon and see if I can get my hands on a copy of it. With thanks to you for your very kind wishes and your advice, I wish the same to you too.

susan said,

I was married to a narcissist for 28 years, but didn’t realize it until I was in the process of divorcing him. He has always been pompous, arrogant, and selfish but I thought it was just his personality. He cheated on me during the entire marriage, but I stayed because of the children. He is never in reality and always see things positive even if it has a negative outcome. He is a pastor of a church and uses God as weapon to keep up the insanity. The people at the church treat him like a king which feeds his NDP. I filed for a divorce when he refuse to stop seeing the other women who was a member of the church. He treated me like he didn’t know me, and said the only thing we had together was history. He dragged out the divorce proceedings for 3 long agonizing years.
I know he has a mental illness, but I can’t seem to get out of his clutches. We have a joint account that he refuse to pay and he will not communicate, because he has to have control. My question, How do you break free from them? I still feel like he has control over my finances. Why can’t he just make a clean break and leave me alone. We have been divorced for 3 years, but he continues to try to hurt me. He is very sneaky and won’t ever let others know how mean and vicious he is , he wears his MASK at all times.

Stewart said,

I am, I think an extreme narcissist, I am trying to deal with it, but I do not know what to do.
I saw a counsellor about being passive aggressive, and touched on my selfish behaviour, I can not seem to think of other peoples feelings and even when I think I am being nice, I question my true reasons for doing this, for people to like me perhaps for them to be grateful?
I want to change, but seem to make the same mistakes over and over again, I am so afraid of isolating the people I care about, and ending up without anyone.
But my soon to be ex partner, said as long as I have someone to come home to, I just do not care. this is the truth.

Gwen said,

I didn’t know until reading the article that I am a narcissist. I was a fussy baby apparently, and left to cry myself to sleep in the crib. I became inward and played alone and later avoided cuddling so says my mother. I always thought something was wrong with me and have been in therapy off and on over the years, usually diagnosed with melancholia. (I should add that I knew as early as about age 15 that something was wrong with my mother, but did not comprehend the larger picture until adulthood.) In adulthood I was unable to allow myself to get close to people for fear of being a) smothered b) rejected c) unable to please anyone or fulfill their expectations of me. My relationships mostly have been failures, but one thoughtful and persistent partner taught me to communicate and to touch and accept touch without fear of being controlled. Otherwise, I have found no one satisfactory or those I was drawn to abandoned me for someone else. All in all though, now at age 65, I am grateful to be me, a narcissist even, if that is the price I must pay for being my own person. I have studied self-help books for years, and recently Gregg Baer’s books on “Real Love” to learn to listen to others and accept them whether I feel emotions of love toward them or not. My focus has been on a spiritual life, also since youth (about age eight) and this has kept me sane. Of course I have had times in my life of tremendous pain, but realize now how lucky I am not to be dealing with relationships that I see around me. I am so very fortunate not to have to put up with the dysfunction, unfaithfulness, lying, addictive behaviors that I see around me. I have two excellent spiritual friends that I see, one regularly for meditation practice, and another for lunch and/or a movie. I’m basically through with trying to fix myself through therapy, or to forgive my upbringing, not that I have transcended these goals, but rather that I am tired of trying and seeing very little really deep change. But, I count my blessings that in my basic solitary life, separation from others is much more fulfilling than I can imagine any human connection could ever be. For in fact, I have known only three couples that I would regard as contented and in the first case they were both therapists and processed their relationship to the point of exhaustion (in my view anyway as I was tired listening to it all the time). The second and third couples appear to be content and like one another. Without Gregg Baer’s books and videos I would probably not be able to be a good listener or reflect acceptance and regard for others. But it has become easier to practice once I realize that I don’t have to have “feelings” of any sort that parallel being kind. I am very mechanical in the practice but I don’t have to depend upon liking people to be attentive to them. This has been very freeing. Human love is inconsistent and illusive, filled with betrayal. It is much better being a realist; I’m healthier not believing in something that does not exist. Unconditional regard and kindness is the best service that I can give. Loving God brings the most fulfilling “emotional” and joyful satisfaction.

Gwen said,

Hi Dr Sam,

My question is how to best heal from that “left to cry” syndrome. I think I’ve worked through most of it, and use Greg Baer’s “REAL LOVE” materials to learn mature love behaviors. But, I often fall into a chasm of ‘knowing’ that the bottom line is that I myself am unlovable, and therefore I cannot ever expect to be loved although I can learn to give love.

Also, I find myself occasionally with obsessive or circular thinking. It is not detrimental… but noticeable.
I’d appreciate your suggestions.

Thank you,

Dr.Sam said,

Gwen,
The model I use for healing is based on finding the original imprint event where you either received a trauma shock and/or changed your belief. Once you locate it then you can use many methods to alter/reframe/change the event/belief, hence releasing negative feelings or old habits. I hope that helped. Dr. Sam

Dr.Sam said,

Heartbroken,

Though my profession believes, typically, that narcissism cannot be healed, I do. Go to my YouTube Channel to th is video: http://www.youtube.com/user/DoctrSam?feature=mhee#p/u/3/WypPsChc_ok

One thing I recommend to your friend is to seek his Creator. I know that there is a possibility that he is an atheist. You see, narcissism is atheistic because the narcissist believes he/she is god. The cure? Give up divine status. Realize you are a mortal and need help just like everybody else. I would start with doing the famous 12-Steps of recovery that are used in all the “Anonymous” groups and Recovery groups. Everybody should do this since it is so healthy. Your friend needs to find a clergy member, therapist, etc. that he can trust and open up for a beginner. Be careful yourself because you don’t want to lose your “life” on someone that might never change. Hope this helped a little.

Dr. Sam

fofo said,

Dear Dr.Sam,
I was in a relation with a narcissist for almost 3 years. He adored me, worshiped me and changed many things about him just for my sake. But because of the huge emotional burden he put on me to provide him with 24/7 attention and because I had to take the responsibility of anything gone wrong in our relationship, I cracked and walked away. I know that I hurt him but he hurt me too. And still after another 3 years of break-up, I’m still holding the responsibility of “losing his faith and trust” in me. This goes well with what I’ve read about narc. that they have “mistrust issues” and I proved to him that I’m a distrustful person. I want to win his heart again but he made it clearly to me that I don’t stand any chance. I need your advice. What to do?How can I gain his trust?How can I make him take me again in his life?

Dr.Sam said,

Diana,

You are in a tough bind. You walk a delicate line between enabling your daughter and ending up supporting her irresponsibility. You must be very careful not to fall into the trap of empowering her to use you and your husband. The risk here is the potential taking away of the grandchild by the State if she is deemed irresponsible as a mother. At some point she has to reap her actions. Be careful, your sanity is at stake. Only help your daughter on conditions that she gets help and is accountable. Perhaps she has to immediately join AA and get herself a sponsor.

Dr. Sam

Dr.Sam said,

Noella, it sounds like you feed his irresponsibility and his desire to stay a little boy and play. I encourage you to separate and if he does not get his act together and consistently show you that he is growing up and being responsible and caring, say “Goodbye.” Otherwise, you will become an old, tired, and bitter lady who dreams about what could have been. Test from a distance, if he fails, move on.

Dr. Sam