Narcissists Who Cry: The Other Side of the Ego

NarcissistCry1

Have you ever noticed that when you have gotten very sick or hospitalized the person you thought was your friend never asked or called? When the same situation had previously happened to them, you were there for them.

Many of you have been in a relationship or been a friend with someone who was an extreme narcissist. These types of relationships are filled with drama unless you totally please the narcissist, which is impossible. The typical extreme narcissists are full of themselves and are overtly pompous. I would like to focus on a kind of extreme narcissist that most people fail to recognize. First, let me explain what extreme narcissism is all about.

Extreme narcissism is an egotistical preoccupation with self. It focuses on personal preferences, aspirations, needs, success, and how one’s self is perceived by others. Some basic narcissism is healthy. This kind of narcissism is better termed as responsibly taking care of oneself, or what I would call “normal” or “healthy” narcissism.

The egotistical narcissists are typically created in one of two ways. One way is through excessive pampering on the part of the parents. Parents create an attitude in the child that he/she is better than others and entitled to special privileges. This creates an arrogant child who lacks a healthy dose of gratitude and humility. It describes the proverbial brat that no one likes.

Another way that extreme narcissists are created is when a child receives a significant emotional wound or a series of them culminating in a major trauma of separation/attachment. This can happen when the parents, as narcissists themselves, are emotionally disconnected from their child. It creates a dysfunction in the ability for the narcissist to connect emotionally to others. No matter how socially skilled an extreme narcissist is, he/she has a major attachment dysfunction and wound. This wounded person constructs one or more false fronts in order to survive and insulate themselves from people because of distrust and fear (Lopez De Victoria, 2008).

A narcissist is a completely self-absorbed person. There can be no other gods in an extreme narcissist’s world, regardless if they say they believe in God or not. In practical terms, a narcissist is God in his/her own imagination. Ego rules supremely in the narcissist’s life. In light of this, what energizes a narcissist is whatever fuels the ego. Ego loves pleasure and gain. In most cases, these can come from one of two ways of feeding the ego. One way is through aggrandizement, which means “to make bigger.” Ultimately the extreme narcissist feels he/she is most special and, therefore, entitled. To the extreme narcissist, people are actually things to use.

Another way that the narcissist’s ego gets special attention is through the role of being a victim. Welcome to the victimized extreme narcissist. Most persons recognize ego as arrogance. At the same time they fail to see the subtle deception of ego when it takes the role of a being a victim. As kind and compassion-driven human beings, we easily are fooled by this form of extreme ego. We are constantly hearing the voices of the needy in the media through a variety of forms. The disenfranchised, the poor, the homeless, the hurting, the refugees, the abused, and the list goes on. What we often do not see is that we are many times shamed by these voices for not doing enough for them. All along it is easy to be manipulated as we respond from our hearts. The deception of the ego is that the narcissist can hide behind misfortune and victimization in order to shame you into feeling and believing that they suffer more than you do. They will say that you don’t care enough for them. They will make you feel that you have not done enough to help them. The ego wants attention, control, gain, and power over others by positioning itself as a “poor and helpless” victim. It does this all the while it soaks up the attention and control over others. In the eyes of an extreme narcissist, their situation is always right and totally justified. Instead of taking responsibility for self and consequences, the extreme narcissist tries to make others feel responsible for their plight. Because extreme narcissists are incredibly adept at the game of manipulation, they will always find a way to turn the tables on you. They will try to make you responsible and feel guilty for not helping them or taking their side and cause.

Extreme narcissists often shift gears from visible grandiosity to acting that they are better than others because they suffer more than others. You can see an extreme narcissist who hogs the limelight and credit from achievements and self-praise also getting similar recognition from milking an injury or a seeming misfortune that has occurred to them. Victimized extreme narcissists are on the constant prowl looking for any gullible soul that will believe their version of calamity whether it is real, exaggerated, or fictitious. What they claim that makes their calamity different is that it is worse for them. Beware of this kind of extreme narcissism. It is just as selfish and manipulating as that of a pompous egotist. The moment they see that you don’t “fully” cooperate and act with extreme concern for them, serving and pampering them, they will eliminate you from their list of “loving” folks. They may even badmouth you and gossip or slander you as being selfish and uncaring. Imagine that! I have seen these types over and over again in work I have done in the field of pain medicine management. It is usually the individuals who are humble, full of gratitude, and joyful who are the ones most capable of coping with their injuries and pain. Those who are selfish, moaning, and full of self-pity take much longer to heal or sometimes never heal but go further downhill in their health. My recommendation is to avoid treating this person’s misfortune as the ultimate suffering of all humans. Be polite. Recognize their pain and no more. Don’t be pulled into their web of emotional manipulation. Stay away from extreme narcissists.

If you live with, date, or are married to an extreme narcissist and you feel you can use some effective counseling in order to avoid getting hurt or attracting one consider either a  face-to-face session with Dr. Sam or a video online session. He also does phone consultations. Call 786-299-7548.

References

Lopez De Victoria, S. (2008, August 4). How to Spot a Narcissist. Posted on Psych Central Web site: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/04/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/

Jennifer said,

May 20, 2010 @ 8:34 am

First I just want to thank you for all of your helpful advice and insights and the stupendous job you are doing to reach others.
I just realized wihtin the past month or so that my husband of almost 3 years fits the bill as a extreme narcissitic personality. His parents did not “spoil” him, however he was pampered and given some of the nicer materialistic things that he wanted. Still today, if he cannot afford to pay a bill, he will ask his parents for money and of course they enable him and give him money.
A little bit of background information about his childhood: His sister is 10 years older than he is and when he was 14 she got pregnat with twins. Well, she ended up having to move back in with their parents and take care of the twins. My husband began to resent the twins and everything they represented. I feel like he was hurt and is emotionally stuck as a teenager. He is very selfish, prideful, thrives on admiration, and does not empathize with my feelings or issues. I enjoy deep, meaningful conversation and I ours are only superficial and we never have any real quality time together. As long as everything is going his way he is okay. However, in a stressful situation, he will become irrate, angry, and frustrated. I am intimidated and scared of him. He has cussed and yelled at me and even threaten to kill himself in front of me if I left him.
I am at my wits end and feel myself going crazy being with him. ANy advice you have would be most helpful.
Thanks and have a fantabulous day!

Dr.Sam said,

May 20, 2010 @ 8:21 pm

Jennifer,

He is being a sensationalist to put a guilt trip on you. Be firm. Take your stand. Don’t move. Force him by giving him an ultimatum. If he can’t get his act together and get some professional help then say, “Hasta la bye, bye!

Dr. Sam

Jen said,

June 30, 2010 @ 5:46 pm

Dr. Sam,

WOW!!! This article is written about my husband, isn’t? You must know him for this to be so nearly accurate!!

Actually, I was wondering what you would call someone who is this extreme narcissist, who becomes threatening and violent, the kids and I were “support people” is his life. But he also had borderline rage, projection, JEALOUS, POSSESSIVE, controlling, became coercive, threatening, dangerous….

I had to file divorce three times to get him served. Once he knew my intention, all bets were off. He was either ignoring (rarely) or verbally beating me down. The vulgar, vile, disgusting language to me and our two teens and in front of our little boys was a horrific nightmare. The last six months was never-ending, abject hell.

After a five year protection order was in place and he was served with divorce papers, and had to pay spousal and child support, and never return to “his” house, he broke the order via phone and text about 10,000 times. He started threatening to kill me, recorded vm’s of dry-firing guns, texts of him hiring someone to come here and kill me, etc. He was finally arrested for attempted aggrevated murder, menacing by stalking, etc, arrested with torture kit in his car, his commanders took a sniper rifle away from him before allowing him to drive 16 hours to “take care of personal business”. They knew he wanted to kill me. Can you say “NIGHTMARE”??

Question? I think he’s psychopath. Could he be Narcissist Borderline and be suicidal and revenge seeking?? The Army is putting him out for Dom Violence – he pled guilty to Menacing by stalking and Felony Breach of Protection. Local police forgot to read him his rights – torture kit was suppressed. Army diagnosed him PTSD/Temporary so no medical retirement – he’s a major with 15yrs active duty and 12 yrs reserve and IRR.

I am scared. I’ve read about the carrot and stick and how psychopaths separate the two. He is NOT afraid of police or courts-never was. (Infantry, CIB, Ranger Tab, Psychological operations, combat patch w/ 82nd airborne, jump wings, expert Field medic, ARMY GOD…..

He no longer wants to control me and keep me locked up, now that I got away, he wants me dead. He has had new females interests in the past three years and he still wants me (and the older kids) dead.

He recently petitioned the courts for visitation with our 8 and 10 year old boys. He once threatened to drown them in front of me (at a hotel pool) if I called the police to report him for breach of protection.

ANY SUGGESTIONS????

DeVonna said,

August 16, 2010 @ 4:57 am

Hello,
I just found out that my is a narc. He is controlling, manipulative, self absorbed, and he is the ultimate victim. He is verbally abusive and plain mean. It seems as though, he has to be at a advantage or look better than others. I don’t know how to deal with him. When he gets into his abusive moods, I would fight toe to toe with him. It doesn’t work. He uses people to his advantage and I want to free myself and not get caught up in his drama. The problem is, I don’t know how. Please explain, how to deal with a narcissist? How do I not feed into his self absorbing behavior? How do I start to heel myself? Please respond!

Dr.Sam said,

August 16, 2010 @ 7:30 am

Hello to you,

Best thing with these types of narcissists that must win at all costs is not to take their bait, their taunts, their provocations, and their insults, or manipulations. When I have been in similar situations I simply smile and say, “Really?” and then change the subject or move on (physically or conversationally). That infuriates them but too bad. :)

Refuse to tangle. Only then you have all the power.

Dr. Sam

Rab said,

August 26, 2010 @ 7:23 am

I am finding life with my husband so hard. He is an egocentric narcissist, who refuses to admit that anything in our relationship is a result of our behavior towards each other. We are in counseling but he says that he goes for me, as everything is my fault, and that he is fine as he is, and if I was just happy with our lives then we wouldn’t need to be in counseling. If ever I bring up our problems I get attacked verbally. He is completely disrespectful of my feelings, my needs, my desires…
I am on the verge of leaving but just dont really have anywhere to go. I live in the USA but am from Europe. I have a lovely life apart from our relationship, and feel like I must be so co dependent to not just up and leave! I have kids from a previous marriage. Last night when I tried to talk about how I feel so lonely he said well take your kids and leave… so I got up and walked out of the room.
This morning he was all lovey dovey and when I was unresponsive of course I am in the wrong. I am always in the wrong. Please help, I dont know what to do!

jennifer said,

September 15, 2010 @ 8:29 pm

I have been married to my husband 27 years. He has always critized everything I do, from driving to cooking, cleaning, and sex. He has been so rude to my friends that I don’t have very many now. The ones I do have don’t like him, and seem to see through him. I feel in the begining, he brainwashed me. I had such a low self esteem by the 6th year, and 4 kids, that I was in major depression. I am a very good and strong person. I am also very stupid I feel. I was the main supporter of our family for most of our marriage. He took little responsibility for us, and always told me that when his music career took off, I could pursue my dreams. We never had an intimate relationship, either emotional, or sexual. Sex was only when he was drunk, and no more that 4 times a year. He stepped out on me a few times that I know of, and humiliates me by hitting on my friends, and aquaintences, in front of me, subtley. The main thing he is concerned about was always what others thought of him. He ordered me around like I was his maid. Everyone would come up to me and tell me what a wonderful man he was and how lucky I was to have him.
I ran around trying to take care of everything, and to reinvent myself to try to make him love me. I am now a person that is very tough, and can feel little emotion. I am slowly trying to get my self respect back. It seems to be working somewhat. I am still married to him. We have no connection though.
Thanks for letting me voice this, even if there is no response, maybe someone will read it and relate.

The real question here is: What disorder is it that I have?

One day @ a time :) said,

September 22, 2010 @ 9:09 pm

Dr.Sam….
I must say you hit it right on the head. If I may add one more thing that helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel ; I had look at myself (which is one of the hardest things I had to do). I’m in no way implying that to anyone. I have learned from my relationship with my N. In my case, it took both of us to be sick to do the dance for 17 years. I thought it was always him, but I played an equal part. It took me, for letting him to break me down to nothing, for me to pick myself up and rebuild (relearn) everything. It’s been 6 years of work almost everyday and will continue till the day I die. What I have learned so far, is balance of my mind, body and soul. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to be a Narcissist. I can only imagine cold, frightening and just sheer horror thinking that everyone is out to get you. I also know that there is nothing I can do to help him, he has to help himself. What I think is so crazy is, I so badly wanted back control of my life again. The truth is, I never had control of it in the first place. I only have choices…and to learn from them good and bad. ~only one person keeps you from your true happiness. Thank you for letting me share my story….Dee

Charlene said,

November 3, 2010 @ 6:45 pm

Hello,

My deceased mother was an extreme narcissist and my brother, the golden boy in the family, is also a narcissist. I did not realize how serious his condition was until I found out that he had a nine year old daughter that he was keeping secret in his town. The secret has slowly come to light in his town and he is being forced to deal with it. I confronted him about it and am still reeling from the shock. No one in my family knows yet. I have struggled for years to deal with the damage from my mother. I feel that my brother learned all to well that “daughters are disposable.” Despite our disparate treatment, my brother and I have been close. I know that I am still in shock but my gut instinct is that I need to stay far from him as I will not be part of his “narcissitic supply” and provide excuses for his behavior. I fear some members of my family will cater to him and ignore too much of his evil behavior. So I also think I will need to stay away from those members of my family that enable him. Please help!

Libby said,

November 5, 2010 @ 1:37 pm

Having spent nearly 28 years with a man I thought was my solemate only to realize that he is an extreme narcissist and finally divorced him in July.

Even though he signed the papers and agreed to it – there were things that needed to be settled and now nearly 3 months later I can’t get him to provide me with the final documents. He even asked to a meeting with our two lawyers and us so that we could get things worked out only to have him call me and my lawyers F—ng this and F—ng that.

We now have to go to court again for contempt and the charges just keep increasing.

This is an intelligent man who was always concerned for his reputation and what a great father he was. What kind of example is he to his children?? They are adults and I only wonder what they really think of him and his actions.

Somehow he always makes me out to be the problem. I get text messages telling me that he is glad that he is 100% over me. Why does he text me to tell me if he is truly over me? Why does he want to go back to court if he is over me? Why does he refuse to provide me with the final document if he is over me?

I just wish that he would truly leave me alone..

Kasey said,

November 24, 2010 @ 3:53 am

Dr Sam, I would really like some advice on this matter, though countless others have tried to tell me to leave, but I just can’t.

My sigificant other and I have been together for almost 7 years, he’s 24, I’m 23. I believe him to be an extreme crying narcissist, and I really think he needs help. The first few years of our relationship were like a fairytale, he was so considerate, loving, respectful, and we both communicated our feelings so very well, and we were eachother’s support system, no matter what the upset.

Over the past few years, I’ve noticed more clearly his “poor me” personality, everything that goes wrong in his life is the end of the world, and anyone with a differing opinion than his can “go f*** themselves”. When he’s happy and things are starting to look up, our relationship is great, we really are like best friends… but as soon as anything is said or done that might not please him, he goes off the handle and acts like a child again. I call him my “pregnant man”. His emotional swings are tiresome and, at times… dangerous. The relationship has become abusive with his use of alcohol to “feel better” or “take away his back pain”, and I have left him several times, but I always come back, because in reality I really do love him, so much, and it hurts to see him as this person I don’t even know anymore. I don’t *want* to leave him, and be just like everyone else who has abandoned him, I do care for him, and I’m afraid that if I do leave, that he won’t get better, that things won’t change when I’m ready to come back, or when he thinks he is… I don’t know what to do anymore, I really truly don’t want to leave this relationship.
I’m not “blinded”, because I know that’s what people are going to say when they read this, I’m continually grasping the fragments of what used to be so wonderful, and still are when they appear from time to time… I don’t want to give up when I know in my heart that the love is still there.
I’ve given up all elements of who I am since I met him, but I also healed from things that hurt me in the past, while I have been with him. He has helped me to overcome an emotional rollercoaster, but now it seems like it’s his turn… I’m afraid his problem is a lot worse than mine were… I’d like him to see a therapist every week but we don’t have any money to spare, or health insurance. He has been through so much trauma in his life, It’s understandable for him to have mental health issues. He knows he does, and when we do go through these fighs or separation he does feel guilty, he does wish he could stop it, they are real feelings, and that’s importan to me, that he *does* recognize that he has issues.

He grew up in an abusive household, feelings were not spoken about, no greif, no loneliness, nothing. His father was an alcoholic, his mother possessive yet negligent. Fortunately, I’ve helped him to cut all ties with his family, and he’s better off for it, yet his selfishness remains, and he’s in utter denial of it. He expects to be doted upon and praised for every tiny little thing he does, like putting gas in the car, taking the trash out, feeding the cat, going to work, leaving me the last apple in the fridge, etc etc. Things that normal people do all the time out of responsibility and consideration, he wants to be worshiped for, a simple thank you is never enough, though he doesn’t say so. Help me Dr. Sam, I love my narcissist, so much it hurts me. I don’t want to leave. What advice can you give me?

Charleen said,

December 17, 2010 @ 3:57 pm

Once again, this is interesting. Our loved one was almost exactly as above. We had guardianship and always tried helping him…keeping him organized, concerned about his grades in school. Because he does not like discipline and we grounded him from things like the internet, phone etc we were the bad guys. Once we were even accused of abusing him and had to show up in court…he’s a great actor and especially so to the sympothizer…talked about suicide so we rushed up to see what was going on and when we got there and started conversing he said nothing of his suicidal thoughts and sat back while we discussed our concerns…he was mad because he wanted to go to a dance, but he wasn’t getting his work in school done, he was lying, stealing, manipulating and dramatic in most of what he did and at times he created his own drama, probably just for the sake of drama itself. If he were mad at us he would sit as far back in the vehicle as possible and smoosh his face up against the window as if that would increase his distance from us. He convinced other sympothizers too that we were the ones acting badly towards him. Some time ago he moved out on his own and is now having trouble there. He is very talented and bright but sometimes I don’t know whether to call him arrogant or insecure. Extreme Narsisism was the term counselors used for him too. We all love him, but since his absence the arguing has stopped, there is peace in the home, we are able to have a conversation with each other without everything being about him or his friends and nothing has shown up missing! We are not paranoid about leaving him alone or what he will do next! It’s actually nice to live in peace now.

Francis said,

December 30, 2010 @ 6:35 am

I think this article uses some terms incorrectly.

“The egotistical narcissists are typically created in one of two ways.” etc…

The first paragraph describes the possibile origin of a character flaw. Everybody knows these people and has dealt with them in social situations. It’s been shown in studies that this level of narcissism declines over time. These people can learn through life experiences and correct the undesireable behavior.

The second paragraph descrbes the origins of a mental illness, a personality disorder. As anyone who knows an NPD-diagnosed individual can attest, this does NOT get better with age, and often gets worse. These people do NOT have the ability to learn from life experiences…not because they are stupid, but because they never developed a way to

It’s also important to recognize that being controlling, manipulative, self absorbed is NOT exclusive to narcissism or NPD.

If you are a non-narcissist dealing with difficult or abusive people, the disticntion probably doesn’t matter. But for a person with a problem in themselves, it makes all the difference.

Melzville said,

January 1, 2011 @ 5:33 am

So why didn’t the mental health professionals help me by pointing out to me that my ex husband was a narcissist? They were perfectly willing to listen to how he was THE VICTIM while he continued to psychologically abuse me and my child. It was very clear, once I read the description that this was EXACTLY what he was. Instead they danced attendance on his imagined problems while leaving me to languish in this terribly damaging relationship, caught in a sea of absolute misery. I thought that I was going insane and was frightfully worried for my daughter (with good reason, as it turns out). Had they bothered to lend some perspective to it, I would have taken swift action to preserve my faltering sanity and rescue my child. Eventually, I did but it was at a point where my life was left pretty much in shambles and frankly, I needed to be in a place where I could just recover. Instead, I was on the verge of nervous collapse and it was too late for my kid. So I ask you, Dr. Sam, what was the reasoning behind the mental health professionals willingness to turn a complete blind eye to what was going on during family therapy?

Dr.Sam said,

January 1, 2011 @ 5:55 pm

Melzville, Sorry that the clinicians you saw were not sharp enough to see what was going on. A good family therapist is able to spot when a narcissistic spouse is turning the tables on the other spouse and playing like they are victim.

I have seen patients similar to your situation. They are distrustful of me as a result. The reason for therapists being like this could vary. It can be due to not wanting to offend because of money involved. It can be because of ineptitude. Last of all and a very real possibility, if the therapist is also an extreme narcissist (and some are) he/she will have a built-in blind spot. I hope this helped.

Dr. Sam

Dr.Sam said,

January 1, 2011 @ 6:01 pm

Francis,

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it. In my personal opinion and experience, there are different intensities of narcissism in people. The more severe, the less probable they are able to be healthy… not impossible but improbable.

Dr. Sam

Dr.Sam said,

January 1, 2011 @ 6:07 pm

Kasey,

It is difficult to respond to all your points. What stands out to me is that you are are rescuing your husband. Another word for that is “enabler.” I recommend you attend a CoDependents Anonymous group in your area to understand more what there is in you that is not healthy and attracts all this drama and pain that includes your husband’s condition. My experience with extreme narcissists that it will take a very big event/trauma in their life to get their attention to change. Sometimes it might take a marital separation to get their attention. You need to assess if you can continue to take the toxicity of your husband indefinitely. In light of that you make a decision to separate or permanently leave him… or stay.

I hope this helped a little.

Dr. Sam

ogi said,

January 14, 2011 @ 4:37 pm

how do you cure narcissism?

Veronica said,

January 14, 2011 @ 7:31 pm

I want to reply to all respondents on this site and Dr. Sam. Having been in a dominated relationship and since, having worked with those who are or have suffered abusive relationships I can empanthize with you all. I particularly, (I’m not sure why) feel drawn to one day @ a time respondent from september 2010. I live in the U.K. and am a facillitator for the Freedom Programme and would adivise all of you to look at the website http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and take in the information or better yet, buy the book. I wish that I could bring the Freedom Programme to all of you who have contacted Dr. Sam’s site.

Dr. Sam,for me at least, has hit the nail on the head with his view of relationships with a narcissist. I intend to recommend this site for scrutiny by those who enlist on our programme.

Dr.Sam said,

January 15, 2011 @ 4:49 pm

Ogi,
Your question is not easy to answer in one sentence. Basically you have to look at attachment issues in the life of the narcissist and the wounds suffered at a younger age. Healing those and helping the narcissist to feel safe with persons who are not going to hurt him is one way to approach it.

Dr. Sam

Audrey said,

January 24, 2011 @ 8:11 pm

Dear Dr. Sam,

Reading your article has awakened me to just how extremely narcissistic my boyfriend is. I always knew he had some narcissistic tendencies, but he really does fit the mold to a T.
This leaves me at a crossroads as his girlfriend of 3 years. I am 22 years old, he is 43 years old, and he has been functioning this way (I believe) since the day his father died, 20 years ago.
He has actually managed to cash in on it — taking his “persona” to a whole new level 7 years ago when he started making a comedy-reality series for television. It has had impressive success, so therefore he’s being constantly rewarded and idolized for these behaviors.
He surrounds himself with sycophants that he uses and trashes, and he never wants to be alone. He complains on a regular basis that I don’t take care of him enough, I don’t appreciate him etc. And for a moment I was believing him, and thought i was being lazy or negligent – that i was a bad girlfriend. But now i realize it’s just another one of his symptoms.
He degrades me in front of friends (in a joking manner), he diminishes my feelings when i get upset. Says I’m just being dramatic, crazy, hormonal etc. I feel disrespected because he sees me as unequal. Together we found a house and renovated it for a year to make it perfect for us – and it is. But it’s still made clear that it’s HIS house because he paid for it.
Having said all of this, I have seen his soul, if you will. I see the goodness in his heart, and I truly adore him – his positive qualities are exceptional! He’s charming, smart, hilarious, generous, and a joy to be around. The real issue i have with his narcissism is the emotional barrier he lives through, and how I’m not getting the support I need. We are at a point now where either we make a change and move forward, or throw in the towel and move on.
If history repeats itself, we’ve hit the highest level of relationship that he’s capable of, and it will all soon diminish. But I believe in him, I believe if he dares to venture into that scary realm of the heart and feelings, that his eyes will be opened and he’ll see life in a whole new light. I’m happy to report that I’ve been able to reach him enough so that he’s agreed to see a specialist, and I want to thank you for awakening me to all of this. It may just save a couple lives, and hopefully a relationship.
Any additional advice would be greatly appreciated!

A.

Dee said,

January 25, 2011 @ 10:44 am

thanks for these very helpful articles! what tips do you have for those of us who chose to stay with a narcissist who probably won’t heal? Witholding information and repeating ‘that has nothing to do with me’ help but sometimes the attack triggers guilt that I know is not merited…(I’m only child of an elderly N parent who likes to control via blame but won’t go near psychotherapy).

Alli said,

February 22, 2011 @ 6:52 am

Hello Dr. Sam,
In a most narcissist way I want to ask you how I can heal.
:)

Working mom
Parents divorced at birth
Father disconnected.

Sensitive child. (nature/animals/people)
left at 8 weeks with babysitters constantly
LOVING MOTHER
over indulged (spoiled)
only child
childhood trauma at 4 (seeing something with animals)

I tipped and decided that all people were cruel.
I shielded myself for years from TV, movies and news articles that I deemed disturbing.

I learned pedophiles were real and a problem at age 40.
That is how well I shielded myself.

Now, today I am 52 years old. My husband divorced me. I changed when I was put on Prozac. I had a bipolar episode and life went downhill for 14 years. I came off all medication 2 years ago.

No help with detox. No therapy as I don’t trust people.

Now, I am having problems and after reading your articles believe that I am a narcissist, possibly borderline personality.

Depression overwhelms me when I think of offering myself to the world.
I don’t want to be rejected.

I understand this fear is from perceived trauma.

How do I get passed this?

How do I resolve anger after (feeling like) I lost 14 years of my life due to mis management of psychotropic medication.

I have searched for a therapist, I have called therapists and interviewed them. I get confused and really don’t know with whom I should place my trust.

Can you recommend how one would go about find a therapist in another part of the country?
OR
Do you do consultations over the phone?
I see you do Skype and maybe I should look into that.
I appreciate you sharing your knowledge. You’ve opened my eyes!

Dr.Sam said,

February 22, 2011 @ 11:40 am

Alli,

That is a lot that you have been through! Wow! I would not assume that you are an extreme narcissist like the article. You are emotionally very bruised, abandoned, confused, etc.

It is very difficult for me to give you specific advice because there is a lot of unraveling to be done. The way I would try to help you is to systematically heal every single significant trauma in your life. As that is done, it will become clearer and clearer to you and me what is at the core of this. It is like tackling a pile of large rocks in the path. You have to remove them one by one.

I do phone consultations and/or Skype sessions all the time. Let me know via the info part on my web site and I will let you know more details.

Dr. Sam

mrs dee said,

February 26, 2011 @ 11:15 pm

this article describes the man I married and who for 2 and a bit years has made my life a living stress that won’t / can’t go away. He needs drama to validate his life. He regularly flips from talking himself up and explaining how only he is capable of big ideas that are going to change the worl of investment banking (which may or may not be true) to then suddenly being the vicitim of1. Parents who divorced when he was 10, 2. Being forced into to only get top grades throughout his lif, 3. Losing 3 close friends horribly in the same year and fleeing his home country to Europe to try and start again….I fell in pity for this man, even though at the time I already knew he was bad for me. When I tried to leave him as he was still married and I didn’t feel I could hack the lack of integrity I was showing, he would make me believe that his wife was a cruel, manipulative woman who used their children as tools against him and that I was the only person who could make him happy. I am a musician and he needed my music to stay sane. Yes, I’m afraid there was a vanity in my music and he knew I needed support wwith it and it worked. He did leave his wife eventually and I vowed to to stay clear of him during that processs. He was round my door every day with flowers crying even when I ASKED HIM NOT TO COME BECAUSE I wsn’t ready for him. I bbecame pregnant by hiim, unplanned. He was delirious with excitement’ and got down on one knee immediately. I wanted to think it through, break the news to family and get general advice as I knew he was unstable, prone to violence (regularly smashed glass vases or jist wine glasses). My family only knew the persona in public that my husband portrays very convincingly …charming, articulate, caring or . Behind closed doors he is foul mouthed, volatile, emotionally draining and verbally abusivve. I knew all of this yet I consulted family who didn’t and agreed to marry him. The day my son was born he told me he wanted to commit suicide. I had to work emotionally overtime to help support him through his urges while be there for my boy. when breastfeeding, my husband stoof over me telling me how his ex wife was breastdeeding their children and how great that was. All the while I felt growinng resentment that my moment, my tun w was not even registering with him. He would regularly step over our son on the way to the drinks cabinet ignoring him and i would have to point out that that object there was his son, fancied a cuddle? He would then get angry and tell me I had no idea what it was like to be in his shoes with 2 sets of families to support and a bitchy ex wife on the phone demanding this or that. So I would take pity on him….again….. We’ve done counselling witha trauma specialist who has done somatic therapy with him but I know our mairtal issues persist. I am actually emotionally exhausted trying to please my husband when all the while he is getting what is good for him, but does not support the family. He lies to me, I discover him using the home computer that I bought so that he could Skype his children in the US, to access dirty porn. I confront him about it and explain how let down I feel. He retorts that he was just bored and that the real problem is me…he says I am nasty, spiteful and rude. …the same adjectives he uses to describe his ex wife. nothing gets resolved, my feeling of no value and no worth in his eyes remains and my growing desire to get out for my sake and my son’s grows. I discover I’m pregnant again. my mother advised me not to switch off the sex even if he absolutely doesn’t deserve it because he’ll look for it in another womaan. So I have been rewarded for my efforts and while I’m delighted that my son will have a sibling to grow and learn with, I dread the extra effort of having to shield not 1 but 2 children from an uncaring selfish father and try and make their father proud and caring of his current family. I know that I was brought up to put my best foot forward, to confront problems and want to find solutions that would be for the benefit of the family. For everything I put in, I get name calling, rudeness, out of the blue random behaviour and I am getting sick and tired or being pushed into either feeling sorry for this man or feeling guilty that I have driven him to be this man.

skylar said,

February 28, 2011 @ 4:54 pm

I saw earlier you say that they Narcissists can be healed. what kind of proof can you provide of that? everywhere I have researched has shown me the opposite….

also what do you think of Sam Vaknin’s book( yes I know where he lies on the spectrum- NPsychopath) but at the same time I find his work very astute…despite whatever questionable motives ( yet if you think about it- to aggrandize himself- as a narcissism expert you would think he would try his best to write as objective as possible.) even if not, who doesn’t have a bias when they write…

how can someone develop empathy if they were impaired at a young age? are they not akin to feral children ?

thankyou for your feedback.
NPD research student

Narcissists Who Cry: The Other Side of the Ego « Realistic Recovery said,

April 2, 2011 @ 7:58 am

[...] DrSam.tv (http://www.drsam.tv/2010/03/29/narcissists-who-cry-the-other-side-of-the-ego/) related article: How to Spot a Narcissist [...]

Dr.Sam said,

April 2, 2011 @ 9:01 am

Skylar, sorry for the late response. If an extreme narcissist is willing to humble himself/herself and seek help they can be significantly helped. I treat formative trauma experiences from their past, false beliefs, and phobias. All I can find I help them to clean out and then imprint them with healthy algorithms. That is my approach and I have seen success. Hope this helps.

Nadine said,

April 8, 2011 @ 7:11 pm

Dear Dr. Sam,

Like many people here and on every other website I’ve researched I too am with a narcissistic mate. I divorced him in 2009 but he wouldn’t and still won’t leave! Now, I know why, I am his main source of narcissistic supply. And I also know I am co-dependent and this is a very addictive relationship. I don’t know why I don’t send him packing. My friends say it’s because I’m afraid of being alone. Probably true. I’m looking into some group therapy in my area to find out what’s wrong with me that makes me still want him. I can’t leave, it’s my home, and I’m not going to try and sell in this economy! He is a serial cheater, that would make one think that would be it. But not me! We still live together as husband and wife (sort of) still sleeping together, that’s why I consider any woman he is with is still cheating. I somehow managed to overlook most of it, but in January when one of his girls told me to leave him alone, she’d been “dating” him for 2 1/2 months, I totally lost it. The word dating just crushed me. He left for 2 1/2 weeks then one day just showed up again, and I let him back. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I was told by friends to change my locks but no… his hooks in me are so deep.

There are a few oddities about him though that I have not read anywhere related to narcissists. He is a kind of hoarder, brings stuff home from thrift stores constantly. Knick knacks, household goods, shoes and clothes for both of us, (none of this is needed or wanted by me). He has never been able to keep a job, he just doesn’t like working. He sells shoes at the flea market to make the money that buys the stuff that he fills my place up with. And also to go to his home country very often. I’ve been with him for almost 8 years and he has never paid anything towards the mortgage or any other bills. He thinks he’s contributing by bringing junk home. And the biggest thing is, he does not talk or discuss or anything. When I asked him about his dating adventure, he just clams up, doesn’t look at me, won’t say a word. And this is how he always is when I bring anything up, that obviously makes him uncomfortable. I can see his eyes darting back and forth as he thinks of some grand lie to tell me. The funniest one was back in September, he returned from visiting his country, I was cleaning out his toiletry bag and found condoms. When I asked him about them he said “oh, they aren’t mine, they’re my friends”. As I conjured up a scenario in my head I got hysterical laughing and he stormed away. I can’t believe what a fool I am. Are hoarding, and not working and not talking also narcissistic traits? I hope I find a good group therapy that can help me get away from all the drama that is his life.

Joan said,

April 21, 2011 @ 7:50 am

“Don’t be pulled into their web of emotional manipulation. Stay away from extreme narcissists.”

6 years ago my father & his wife stopped speaking to me after being offended by a blog article I’d written. It was a like a Divine Intervention!

I now consider myself “divorced” from him. Not that there still aren’t things to process, life events happen, etc. but – You don’t have to be related to your relatives…

Dr.Sam said,

April 21, 2011 @ 9:15 am

I congratulate you for being delivered from toxicity!

Georgianna said,

May 18, 2011 @ 5:34 pm

Hi Sam

I cant believe this all this time i thought something was wrong with my son,he is 16 now but it all started since he is 13 and has progressed into a beast.It gets really bad at times
and fits all of the above and i know its hard to believe cause he is only 16 but he lies constantly and covers it so it
it seems like its the other person,he makes goals for him self and never follows threw with them,always happy only when he gets his way..and all along i thought he did not like my fiance and it is because he caught on to his games always trying to put me on a guilt trip so he can get his way..trying to make me feel like he deserves so much for just helping out around the house.i know a lot of this is my fault as a parent because i know i can honestly say since he is 6 and i had to tell him about my husband at the time not being his dad because he was confused in school about his last name he was so upset he threw things at me angry and told me he wanted his papi (step dad) to throw his biological father off the roof at that time it took a while but thinking about it he put on this hard attitude was always A student in school everyone loved him but at home he knew how to manipulate me,and it didnt help that i stayed with step dad for 11years and he tried telling me all the time that my son is always in a good mood all day and when i get home he tries to make me feel like he had a bad day or he got in trouble and his brothers did not and its because he is the oldest and he gets hit and they do not and me and my husband would fight, because i would believe him and thought because my husband drank that he was picking on him only..wow i can not believe this and to this day he does it with everything i cant take it no more and i wish i can stop feeling bad because we are having ruff times right now and he is so feeding off IT, OK i do not know what to do well i do but scared of him hurting himself or being mad at me but he cannot continue like this..How can i get him to stop the rage when he gets into when he does get busted lien or not going to school and just simply not being grateful for others always with attitude unless things go his way always putting him self down to get reassurance i started to ignore it that was helping..but now he just really getting selfish and turning into a game for him..always walking around saying stupid stuff like i wanna break my nose or im hungry when he just ate or staying miserable in his room ask him whats wrong nothing im fine but treats everyone like crap.the more i do the worse he gets like he is owed something in life and he got it so bad. He even makes up stories that never happen like if he was in gangs and crazy stuff and i think he believes it funny part is i take him everywhere and pick him up….help HELP HELP….I AM OVER THE DRAMA!!!!!

Lisa Wascher said,

May 22, 2011 @ 8:15 pm

I was married to a narcissistic victim that used me and moved on. I know I am fortunate that he left, but am still dealing with the self-esteem and financial issues left over. I hope someday I will look back and feel blessed.

Carol R said,

June 3, 2011 @ 10:03 pm

Well, this was very useful information. It seems that narcissism may even be a secondary problem for some people who have other personality disorders. These flaws seem to fit a friend of mine…and yes distance has proved to be a relief for me. I always wanted to get my masters in psych and maybe one day I will. Thank you for writing one of the most informative articles I have read in a long time.

Amanda said,

June 22, 2011 @ 1:32 pm

Hi

I have been reading up for the last few days on narcism due to a recent trauma..well, sort of a rejection from someone I considered was an old friend but who basically snubbed me and, it hurt. It has opened up an ocean of unresolved feelings for me. I come from a broken home and a traumatic childhood, parental split, you could say the very two things you described to describe the victimised narcissist did happen to me, I was smothered and over protected as a child and I cried a LOT, then, when my Father abandoned me at 7, it just got worse. I acted out and was a very angry child.

I am now in my thirties and the crying continues. However I am deeply ashamed about it and am not close to many people. I feel I have let a lot of people down and I am full of self pity, and not joy at all. I am so confused though. I think my mother is narcisstic at times, and that I have acted out on the trauma of my father leaving by inviting narcisstic males into my life who have dominated me and ultimately abandoned me eventually.

Some kind of shift has happened in the past few years though, as I am in a happy relationship with someone very gentle and loving and we have not got any big intimacy issues to speak of and I enjoy his company and don’t, as far as I can make out, act out with him.

I am really confused though, I don’t know who’s the narcissist, me, my mother …and/or some of my siblings, if my Dad was, or if the grey areas far outweigh the labels.

All I know is, I have been guilty of black and white thinking and banished people from my life in the past, which I am very sad about sometimes but beginning to realise that I can’t change it. I am also guilty of whining and playing the victim. I feel I have been depressed for so long that I don’t really know any other state of being and I allowed life to race past me thus far. Although I have done a lot of therapy, maybe my approach was from the view that I can be “fixed” whereby if anyone’s going to change anything about themselves, it starts from inside.

Sorry this is so long, this feels like the beginning of a journey for me. I do not live in the US and just wondered if you could recommend some reading on the topic.

Thank you

PS I am glad to find one doctor who thinks there is help for recovering narcissists, whether I am one or not, at the end of the day they’re still people and most other “experts” are painting them as monsters. I think that people who dance with narcissists need to take a little more responsibility for their part in the dance also, I think the narcissist victims are capable of “black and white” thinking as much of the narcissists are, would you agree?

Thank you for sharing your experiences and giving me food for thought. I live in hope that I can learn from my pain and not p*ss too many more people off while I walk the planet!

elizabeth said,

June 30, 2011 @ 5:03 pm

for all the people who say they have been with people like this, i suspect they are rare, i am with one, my mental health is suffering. i have been in a women’s’ refuge. i read recently that you suffer grief-for loss-but the loss is for a person who never existed. That is true because these people draw women in. i now know i am, weak and all i believed was what he told me-that he had good intentions.

Dr.Sam said,

July 1, 2011 @ 3:15 pm

Amanda,

I am sorry you have endured so much pain and abandonment. I do have a book that I would recommend as a starter. Since you shared that your mother was or is a narcissist. It is by psychologists Townsend and Cloud and the book is called “The Mom Factor.” It can be a difficult book to read. You might cry a lot when you see your losses and you might have to grieve those losses when you identify them. That is a good thing. Once you can point to specific areas that you did not get from your mother and the resulting deficits then you can start to tacke them. I hope this response is helpful to you. Sorry it took me a while to get back. I teach as a professor and I have a very busy private practice and sometimes it is difficult for me to answer comments. I wish you good health, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

Dr. Sam

Bronwyn said,

July 2, 2011 @ 8:14 am

Hello, after two years, I realize my friend who is a comedian, I believe is a narcissist. He only asked me few questions about myself in the last 2-3 years but has dumped all his problems on me. I constantly encouraged him all this time that he will make it big. He constantly would posts status on a social network about being a victim to gold digging women or how he is only getting sleep 2 to 4 hours a day and people would contantly say, “ooh its not your fault or you will make it”. He constantly posts about being religious and what people should do bu then posts sexually references to a woman as if she were and object. He contanstly moves to new places to live. His realationships with women don’t last. He does not get along with people at his job or in the entertainment biz. He went as far as posting that a mail carrier ran into him at work and how he was hurt so bad. Then he posted that he does not like the part at church before service when you visit and say hi to church members, he said that they should cut that part out of service all comments to his post were agreeing with him and I was the only one who said, “maybe your not social”? He cannot take any form of critisim, he cut me down!! Then I tried to share something personal with him, a tragedy, he had no empathy what so ever and avoided and did not respond, I was shocked. Then he asked me for money over $2000, I said no, to save face he said it was a joke, but then posted on a social network, this is how you find out if a person is true to you asked them for money and see how they leave. I was so hurt by this and told him. Then a few days later he sends an accidental text supposedly to his sister giving her $800. All the mind games! He never answers the phone or calls any of his so called friends and chooses only to communicate by social network. The finale was when, he contacted me and said, “How bout I passed out on my job and spent the night in the hospital”. I finnally told him he has to take responsibility for his on actions and most of these “incidents” don’t just come out of nowhere. He said, I was cold hearted, when I’ve help him with his career and been there everyday listening. He hardly every asked me how I was doing and if I responded he never commented or asked anything else. I’m dropped now, off his radar, I’m no longer is “supply”. If he comes back, should I tell him he needs to look at therapy or just leave it alone?

Amanda said,

July 6, 2011 @ 4:11 am

Dear Dr Sam

Thank you for your reply, I realise how busy you must be so I do appreciate it. I will have a look for that book on Amazon and see if I can get my hands on a copy of it. With thanks to you for your very kind wishes and your advice, I wish the same to you too.

Dr.Sam said,

July 9, 2011 @ 12:01 pm

Bronwyn,

I would simply stay away from this man. No need to get toxic waste on you. In your heart, wish him the best but you move on with your life as you pursue excellence and wholeness!

susan said,

July 14, 2011 @ 12:29 am

I was married to a narcissist for 28 years, but didn’t realize it until I was in the process of divorcing him. He has always been pompous, arrogant, and selfish but I thought it was just his personality. He cheated on me during the entire marriage, but I stayed because of the children. He is never in reality and always see things positive even if it has a negative outcome. He is a pastor of a church and uses God as weapon to keep up the insanity. The people at the church treat him like a king which feeds his NDP. I filed for a divorce when he refuse to stop seeing the other women who was a member of the church. He treated me like he didn’t know me, and said the only thing we had together was history. He dragged out the divorce proceedings for 3 long agonizing years.
I know he has a mental illness, but I can’t seem to get out of his clutches. We have a joint account that he refuse to pay and he will not communicate, because he has to have control. My question, How do you break free from them? I still feel like he has control over my finances. Why can’t he just make a clean break and leave me alone. We have been divorced for 3 years, but he continues to try to hurt me. He is very sneaky and won’t ever let others know how mean and vicious he is , he wears his MASK at all times.

Dr.Sam said,

July 14, 2011 @ 7:52 am

Susan,

I feel bad for you. I wrote an article on “Narcissists in Ministry.” You might want to read it. I recommend that if your ex-husband has a Bishop or some sort of board or superior over him to get that person or board involved. You strike me as having tried to resolve the issues the nice way. Now put some teeth to your pursuit. Narcissists won’t pay attention or care unless they have great pain applied to them. Here is the link to my article: http://www.faithwriters.com/member-profile.php?id=50742

Dr. Sam

Stewart said,

July 14, 2011 @ 1:13 pm

I am, I think an extreme narcissist, I am trying to deal with it, but I do not know what to do.
I saw a counsellor about being passive aggressive, and touched on my selfish behaviour, I can not seem to think of other peoples feelings and even when I think I am being nice, I question my true reasons for doing this, for people to like me perhaps for them to be grateful?
I want to change, but seem to make the same mistakes over and over again, I am so afraid of isolating the people I care about, and ending up without anyone.
But my soon to be ex partner, said as long as I have someone to come home to, I just do not care. this is the truth.

Dr.Sam said,

July 14, 2011 @ 8:49 pm

I recommend you find a competent psychotherapist who understands how to help folks to heal from traumas, wounds, attachment issues, and how to have healthy boundaries. In the mean time study the 12-Steps that are used in recovery groups. You can find the steps on the internet. The cure for extreme narcissism is healing wounds, re-attachment, and surrendering your ego to your Creator/Higher Power.

Gwen said,

July 22, 2011 @ 10:12 pm

I didn’t know until reading the article that I am a narcissist. I was a fussy baby apparently, and left to cry myself to sleep in the crib. I became inward and played alone and later avoided cuddling so says my mother. I always thought something was wrong with me and have been in therapy off and on over the years, usually diagnosed with melancholia. (I should add that I knew as early as about age 15 that something was wrong with my mother, but did not comprehend the larger picture until adulthood.) In adulthood I was unable to allow myself to get close to people for fear of being a) smothered b) rejected c) unable to please anyone or fulfill their expectations of me. My relationships mostly have been failures, but one thoughtful and persistent partner taught me to communicate and to touch and accept touch without fear of being controlled. Otherwise, I have found no one satisfactory or those I was drawn to abandoned me for someone else. All in all though, now at age 65, I am grateful to be me, a narcissist even, if that is the price I must pay for being my own person. I have studied self-help books for years, and recently Gregg Baer’s books on “Real Love” to learn to listen to others and accept them whether I feel emotions of love toward them or not. My focus has been on a spiritual life, also since youth (about age eight) and this has kept me sane. Of course I have had times in my life of tremendous pain, but realize now how lucky I am not to be dealing with relationships that I see around me. I am so very fortunate not to have to put up with the dysfunction, unfaithfulness, lying, addictive behaviors that I see around me. I have two excellent spiritual friends that I see, one regularly for meditation practice, and another for lunch and/or a movie. I’m basically through with trying to fix myself through therapy, or to forgive my upbringing, not that I have transcended these goals, but rather that I am tired of trying and seeing very little really deep change. But, I count my blessings that in my basic solitary life, separation from others is much more fulfilling than I can imagine any human connection could ever be. For in fact, I have known only three couples that I would regard as contented and in the first case they were both therapists and processed their relationship to the point of exhaustion (in my view anyway as I was tired listening to it all the time). The second and third couples appear to be content and like one another. Without Gregg Baer’s books and videos I would probably not be able to be a good listener or reflect acceptance and regard for others. But it has become easier to practice once I realize that I don’t have to have “feelings” of any sort that parallel being kind. I am very mechanical in the practice but I don’t have to depend upon liking people to be attentive to them. This has been very freeing. Human love is inconsistent and illusive, filled with betrayal. It is much better being a realist; I’m healthier not believing in something that does not exist. Unconditional regard and kindness is the best service that I can give. Loving God brings the most fulfilling “emotional” and joyful satisfaction.

MB said,

August 12, 2011 @ 1:54 pm

Dr. Sam – thank you for your description of a narcissist. My ex husband is an attorney and I have spent $47,000 (not kidding) in legal fees for his negligence with our son. I left Bill when I was 7 months pregnant. He told me to get out and go F yourself if I didn’t like him spending exorbuent amounts of time with his family(who live 4 doors down the street) My son is going to be 18 next month and I still don’t have peace. Bill wants me to pay $10,000 for my son’s education at a boarding school where he held my son back because he wanted him to grow more so he could play football!! I have paid 12 years of private school for my son and now that he held him back to play football, he wants me to pay for an additional year. Bill appears he has money but he doesn’t. He makes everyone else pay the tab. He never picks up the tab. His sister is also extremely narcissict and she got married to an executive so any chance Bill gets, he refers to his ’sisters’ money. Please…these people go to thrift stores for clothing because they can’t figure out what to wear! When I was at work, his sister would come to the house (i figured this out when my friend was at a party she was at WITH MY CLOTHING on!!) and take my clothes to wear because she has zero idea how to dress for any occassion with her husband. So, the sister, exhusband and the brother “DON”T WORK”!!
but they want the life style of a rich or famous person.

Gwen said,

August 17, 2011 @ 12:42 pm

Hi Dr Sam,

My question is how to best heal from that “left to cry” syndrome. I think I’ve worked through most of it, and use Greg Baer’s “REAL LOVE” materials to learn mature love behaviors. But, I often fall into a chasm of ‘knowing’ that the bottom line is that I myself am unlovable, and therefore I cannot ever expect to be loved although I can learn to give love.

Also, I find myself occasionally with obsessive or circular thinking. It is not detrimental… but noticeable.
I’d appreciate your suggestions.

Thank you,

unfriendissits said,

August 22, 2011 @ 1:47 am

I know a person who fits your model of extreme narcissists. The means this person uses to manipulate others is with illness. Her many, many illnesses are always some freakish medical anomaly, real doctor bafflers. She sees doctors all the time for one illness or another. Often she pushes for test and reports to everyone that the doctors think the worse. One time the doctor put her off on her surgery and opted to send her to a psychical therapy clinic instead. She was very angry because she insist she needs major surgery and is in extreme pain, but her doctor is an unskilled hack the insurance company is forcing on her and he doesn’t care about her suffering. This problem with illness extended to her children as well. They were also freaks of medical science…until they grew up and moved out. I always considered her to have Munchhausen, but something you said kind of made me wonder. The whole “limelight” thing…she’s gone off on me for stealing her special moments, something I never planned to do. For instance, many years ago when neither of us had children I got pregnant with my first child on accident. She came over crying and accused me of upstaging her by deliberately getting pregnant before her. It was really insane behavior. Then when I became extremely ill she stopped coming around or calling. Everyone really thought I would die, but I recovered and I’m better than new. She started coming back around and I told her how abandoned I felt by her in my illness. She said she just couldn’t stand to see me that way and she had lots of bad things going on at the time…for 6 years. When I talk to her or read the things she writes to other people on the social network it’s always about how horribly she is suffering. Her friends, most of whom only know her online are very caring and wonderful to her and she says nice thing back to them. If they have any problem..like some illness she shares with them the time when she had the same illness and tells them how grateful they should be their problem isn’t as bad as hers was. Lately…she sickens me so I am avoiding her. I told myself it was because she was such a negative person in disguise as a positive person…but I see now she is just an extreme narcissist. In the past I was always there for her.

Dr.Sam said,

September 24, 2011 @ 2:40 pm

Gwen,
The model I use for healing is based on finding the original imprint event where you either received a trauma shock and/or changed your belief. Once you locate it then you can use many methods to alter/reframe/change the event/belief, hence releasing negative feelings or old habits. I hope that helped. Dr. Sam

heartbroken said,

December 4, 2011 @ 10:43 pm

My boyfriend in his teens was thrown into a mental hospital while still on a hallucinatory drug by his own parents. He woke up still tripping, locked away for 30 days without sunlight or any family members or friends. I believe this caused him to become a narcissist. he is also from a very privileged family, and is supported financially for the most part, but not emotionally. He barely talks about his emotions, and when he does, he just tells me how guilty he feels for using all the people in his life. So I ask, is it possible for a narcissist to change? Because he hates himself so much, and it is so painful. I know I should just leave him, but even as a friend, I can’t leave someone with so much hatred for themselves.

Also, he has been a good friend to me, he does love me. I just want to at least try to help him as he helped me. I wish I could get him to open up, I have, more then anyone else it seems. Admitting his guilt, and his ill treatment of people, and his sorrow over it was huge, but it’s so obvious it’s all linked to this deep dark secret or past he carries around that he punishes himself with. Is there any way I can help him? I’m strong enough to.

Dr.Sam said,

December 5, 2011 @ 5:35 am

Heartbroken,

Though my profession believes, typically, that narcissism cannot be healed, I do. Go to my YouTube Channel to th is video: http://www.youtube.com/user/DoctrSam?feature=mhee#p/u/3/WypPsChc_ok

One thing I recommend to your friend is to seek his Creator. I know that there is a possibility that he is an atheist. You see, narcissism is atheistic because the narcissist believes he/she is god. The cure? Give up divine status. Realize you are a mortal and need help just like everybody else. I would start with doing the famous 12-Steps of recovery that are used in all the “Anonymous” groups and Recovery groups. Everybody should do this since it is so healthy. Your friend needs to find a clergy member, therapist, etc. that he can trust and open up for a beginner. Be careful yourself because you don’t want to lose your “life” on someone that might never change. Hope this helped a little.

Dr. Sam

Diana said,

December 22, 2011 @ 9:10 pm

I have a daughter who is now 25 and 1/2. she has a 3 year old Daughter. My only Grandchild. We moved to be close to them. about 6 months after we moved here, she found her fiance was cheating on her. It has now been over 1 and 1/2 years and she is consumed with anger and rages constantly about this. She also has started drinking heavily and had a DUI last Feb 2011. She, until that time, had always told us how many friends she had at her work and how she had a great deal of support. however, when she lost her driver’s license, it was me and her disabled Father who had to get up at 5am to drive her to work and then pick her up every day. we also did her shopping and even made special trips out for her a pack of cigarettes or whatever she might need. Since she has gotten her license back and now has moved and does not need our help on a constant basis – she has made it almost impossible for us to see our 3 year old granddaughter. She is our only one, and the apple of my eye. I have watched this last year as my daughter’s face book account went from photos of our granddaughter and moved to photos of her, everyday a new one. a photo of her at parties, hugging friends – girls very closely – and always with a shot of the tray of “jello-shots”. As she just had a DUI, I mentioned she might not want to publish these things. but – anything I say that she does not like is punished with less visitation and she becomes easily angered at small misunderstandings. If I say 1 thing she takes the wrong way, and she uses it to be angry with me for a month or longer. she now has a younger girl she has allowed to move into a back room of the house she rents. It was actually my suggestion she get a roommate as she was always having financial problems. but- she still is. She always has money for beer, wine or whatever else she wants to drink. She brings food home from the preschool she works in. we feel she may well be having the problems you talk about here as well as some other issues. Her biological Father was diagnosed as a Psychotic who killed his brother very brutally 1 week prior to my divorce hearing. He was never formally charged and left the area a week later. I am worried about what she may do regarding our granddaughter and am not sure if we should simply leave and not have any contact or try to stay to be around for our granddaughter. I love the little girl very much. I have only spent time playing with her and giving her my attention. I would admit, losing that part of my life, at this point would hurt me quite a bit. but, having it used as a tool by my daughter is much more painful. I am torn.. If you can offer any advice, it would be appreciated. Thank you for anything you can offer. I know this is not as serious as any of the problems posted. Very truly , Diana

fofo said,

January 19, 2012 @ 5:58 am

Dear Dr.Sam,
I was in a relation with a narcissist for almost 3 years. He adored me, worshiped me and changed many things about him just for my sake. But because of the huge emotional burden he put on me to provide him with 24/7 attention and because I had to take the responsibility of anything gone wrong in our relationship, I cracked and walked away. I know that I hurt him but he hurt me too. And still after another 3 years of break-up, I’m still holding the responsibility of “losing his faith and trust” in me. This goes well with what I’ve read about narc. that they have “mistrust issues” and I proved to him that I’m a distrustful person. I want to win his heart again but he made it clearly to me that I don’t stand any chance. I need your advice. What to do?How can I gain his trust?How can I make him take me again in his life?

Noella said,

February 4, 2012 @ 9:21 am

Hi Dr Sam,

Oh God! You are describing my husband. Thank you for this article! This picture reflects him so very much! I never do enough for him (according to him, it is impossible mission anyways) I looked into other Narcissistic personalities but he is really an extreme one. Exactly as described here, a victim who is entitled to everything, he would be nice for some time just to take more advantage of you after! He would cry easily and show emotions (when we get married, when our son was born, when he would remember the past times spent together) Sometimes, he would remember the first hotel room that we took together and yet he forgot my 1st birthday and our 1st marriage anniversary…Completely inconsistent! And he would feel emotions for times spent that I didn’t like at all!! It’s all in his head!
Two years after being married, we have no couple life, he lives in his own room, watches porn websites, he is rude and insulting, has no empathy when I express that I am suffering this situation, he is workaholic and I have difficulty taking time for me, it is all about his work outside, his work and home renovation inside, all week, or he is tired, he is sick, EVERYDAY!!! It is all about him!!
I just don’t understand that, every time there is a big stress between us, he would get sick, it’s almost like a automatic in him!!!! so all the attention has to be around him all the time! He then wants me to prepare that special tea mix for him and pamper him, etc. Of course, I have to cook and care for the baby at the same time and I have my own work!!
He grinds his teeth at night (bruxism since many years, he already broke a couple teeth), he is like a child, he likes it when I caress his hair, but I stopped doing it because I get nothing in return…We have no intimate life anymore…Our families try to get us to re conciliate but he is not changing or he would change for a few days and comes back to his old habits…This morning, he said he misses me sometimes when he is at work but when he comes back home, he doesn’t!! How can you answer that!!
I find him totally immature, childish, unrealistic and not facing his issues! He has been pampered by his parents until they preferred his younger brother over him when it was the time to manage the business family, I believe this caused him to disconnect from people around him and become narcissistic, he is not self-confident and is hard to follow, he would be very nice and caring and rude & selfish the same day!
I have issues leaving him because we have a baby and I hope (yes) that some day maybe he will grow up enough!! and realize he is causing himself and others grief, he still “hates” his parents for what they did…He never faces his issues, he is a bad manager, a bad boss…They just had to make a business decision not because they didn’t love him!
Any advice or insight on my situation? Thanks in advance for all.

Dr.Sam said,

February 4, 2012 @ 3:39 pm

Diana,

You are in a tough bind. You walk a delicate line between enabling your daughter and ending up supporting her irresponsibility. You must be very careful not to fall into the trap of empowering her to use you and your husband. The risk here is the potential taking away of the grandchild by the State if she is deemed irresponsible as a mother. At some point she has to reap her actions. Be careful, your sanity is at stake. Only help your daughter on conditions that she gets help and is accountable. Perhaps she has to immediately join AA and get herself a sponsor.

Dr. Sam

Dr.Sam said,

February 4, 2012 @ 3:42 pm

Fofo… I would not win his heart back. With the world being a few billion in population, don’t you think you can find a better person suited for you? … Be careful that you are not addicted to this person. If so, find a therapist that works with the past and knows how to disconnect your dependence (almost like a trauma imprint) expertly, so you can move on. Leave this guy alone. Move on. Smell the flowers!

Dr. Sam

Dr.Sam said,

February 4, 2012 @ 3:45 pm

Noella, it sounds like you feed his irresponsibility and his desire to stay a little boy and play. I encourage you to separate and if he does not get his act together and consistently show you that he is growing up and being responsible and caring, say “Goodbye.” Otherwise, you will become an old, tired, and bitter lady who dreams about what could have been. Test from a distance, if he fails, move on.

Dr. Sam

Jo said,

February 9, 2012 @ 11:59 pm

Narcissism is the core of the unevolved, damaged, emotionally immature human. Once an adult, unless someone walks up and holds a gun to your head, you are responsible for your reaction. It is NEVER entirely the other counterparts fault. I’ve been both sides of the coin. A victim and Narc. It’s not a small % of humans that suffer from it, it’s damn near all of us. Your either the abuser or the abusee..victimhood as an adult,in the majority of cases just mean you had a problem you didn’t know how to fix and you lived the same as a narc, lying to them, manipulating them to stop their abuse and lying to yourself about how wrong it was, never accepting accountability. The biggest pain a victim can’t get over isn’t what their abuser did, but what they allowed their abuser to do. The shame they can’t swallow as apposed to the shame a narc won’t acknowledge. They are both sides of the same coin. Both vying for power and control. When you truelly figure it out, you just leave..no if’s but’s or problems. You won’t tolerate their bullshit and you don’t care to waste your time arguing the points of who the biggest victim are. Your both sick. You just aren’t as selfish as them, but you both need the other counter part to make you feel approved of and whole. A healthy person doesn’t get caught up in this cycle.

BoundaryHunter said,

February 10, 2012 @ 8:42 pm

I took in a friend (let’s call ‘em “X”)who’d been kicked out of his previous place & become homeless, hooked him up w/the guy living upstairs from me &they both shared that apt. Well, this guy started getting possessive, controlling and clinging. If I was watching a movie in my apt, he was upset because I wasn’t including HIM. If I was listening to music, he was upset ’cause he wasn’t invited to listen w/me. He knocked on my door one morning and accused me of excluding him from an event that was about to take place later that evening ’cause I hadn’t knocked on his door to remind him of the event 1st thing in the a.m. It was really weird. I had long talks w/him in w/I explained that just ’cause ppl do things w/o him doesn’t mean he’s being rejected, that he can’t be included in everything, & I also insisted he get some prof’l help. Well, a few days ago, his roommate gave me a ride somewhere &when we came home, X was lying in the driveway! We asked him to move so we could park the car then he began jumping up and down and shouting in a rage that we were “excluding him!” “Why are you excluding me?!” he kept repeating. This was after 11p.m., btw. We told him he couldn’t stay in the house anymore as he was being too aggressive& irrational. Then he began crying loudly, claiming he’d took some pills w/some wine & thought of killing himself (we think he was bluffing.) But we drove him to a hosp ER and just left him there to get examined. When he arrived at the ER, he spent his time sitting down enjoying the attn he was getting from the nurse & telling her his roommates were excluding him from things.

When he was released from the hosp the next day, he ended up homeless, as he has lost all of his friends due to his behavior. But he has no insight into his situation &keeps blaming everyone else for his problems. He even emailed his roommate wanting to know whether or not I’d “chilled out” so that he could come back “home.” X then told his roommie that I was coming between them (as though they were having a romantic liaison or something, lol!) He doesn’t understand that lying on the driveway then screaming at us for “excluding him” was the reason he can’t live in the house anymore. Making matters worse, he was diagnosed w/Aspergers as a child but not with NPD. Yet he likes being in front of the camera, likes dominating conversations, & is seeking to be famous. He contacts politicians in the area, sets appts w/them and talks w/them about various issues that he doesn’t even seem to care about. Yep, he appears to just be seeking attn from famous or influential ppl. I begged to get some therapy so he went to a free clinic where, he says, they’re trying to help him “read” ppl better as he was diagnosed w/Aspergers. But no one is helping him w/NPD as he doesn’t think he has it. What do you think?

BTW, in the past he was kicked out of a support grp for Aspies and a former roommie of his who also had Aspergers kicked him out of the house, called the police and had him ordered never to return. So it doesn’t seem to me that Aspergers is his problem but once a person is diagnosed that diagnosis just sticks w/them & many MH prof’ls are reluctant to change the diagnosis.

BoundaryHunter said,

February 10, 2012 @ 8:44 pm

BTW, when I say above “this guy started getting possessive, controlling and clinging” I’m referring to X who was homeless (not to the guy I hooked him up with.)

Confused Mom said,

August 25, 2012 @ 4:26 pm

I am a single Mother of a successful teen daughter. We really did have a perfect relationship. I even had other Mothers tell me that they wish they were as close to their daughter….as I was to mine. She and I did everything together,even thru High School. She was President of her class and many other clubs. Straight A student. However, she always had alot of freedom. She deserved and earned it.
She became involved with a boy and he became very attached to me. (his Mom was in prison) He was very personable and I liked him. But the more time I spent with him, his stories did not add up. He did not like women. He had a low self-esteem but then would be arrogant? He is a victim. Never his fault. He would play this push/pull game with my niave, honestly good hearted daughter. She could not understand it.

Something was wrong with him but I could not put my finger on it. Come to find out, he was a dangerous psychopath. He told my daughter I was trying to control her. She started to turn against me. She said unbelievable things to me when we would argue about him and his actions. He then got all of her Friends mad at her (to this day, i don’t know what he told them for them to turn) But I warned her he was doing that….I could tell by her Friends behavior that he was trying to alienate her from her friends. From me. From HER LIFE. For some reason her friends were unhappy with her BUT they were happy with him?

It all blew up, she moved in with my family. When she did, he never talked to her again. It was like he wanted to ruin what she and I had. And once he succeeded, he was done with her. He told her that I said they could not speak anymore. I NEVER DID THAT. She believed him over me. But you see, then that means their breakup was MY fault.

I have been so blatently honest with my child and taught her to be the same, that the fact that she believes him over me…is mindboggling. She does not trust me anymore and frankly, I believe that she is a little manipulative now too…its like she adopted some of his behavior.

There are sometimes when she is her old self, but then she turns. I think it really boils down to she does not trust me anymore. All from whatever he put in her head. I know she is own person and should take responsibility….but how can someone’s personality change in 6 months, so drastically?

Will I ever get her back? Will he always be the hero (even though she told her friend that I was RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING) now, I am being punished for being right? I have never spoken much about it. I have NEVER thrown it in her face. I have NEVER told her ” I told you so.” Why would I futher humilate my daughter when that is what I am mad at him for doing?

If you would of told me a 8 months ago that this would of happened to us…I would of bet all my money on us. That is how close we were. Now, one part of her knows I was right and the other part of her HATES me for it. What am I to do?

I want to be mad at her for letting him do this to us. I want to be mad at her for being so manipulated, when I worked so hard to instill a good self-esteem and confidence in her.

That is what he wanted, isn’t it? Besides, I know she is the VICTIM. I know it was not her fault. There are adults that find themselves in this situation, how can I expect a young adult not to fall victim to this “feel sorry for me” guy.

This guy is out of our lives, for now. I don’t think that she will let him back in…..however, now, she and I are in shambles. He would love to know that he left us in shambles. I can see the smirk on his face now.

sue said,

October 19, 2012 @ 1:46 am

I just stumbled upon this site and have a question. My husband has just been diagnosed with Narcissism and Anti-Social personality disorder. I have been dealing with domestic abuse and it was after the police became involved that he was assessed. I have asked him to ‘agree’ to a mediated (cheaper) divorce because I want his cooperation – and not to be destroyed and tormented through an expensive process. However, hec crys then (aligator tears) and says he doesn’t want to “lose me” AND if I am unhappy because he never touches me (we have slept in separate rooms for two years) that he will be fine if I want to take a lover and live a separate life but stay in the house with him as ‘friendly roomates’. Needless to say – this is so weird – so disturbing to me. Question – is this a game so he can play the victim IF i were to seek love elsewhere – or is it just that he really just doesn’t care?

Very scared said,

December 15, 2012 @ 3:31 am

Ok I am totally scared. But for a completely different reason. One of my wife’s friends have convinced her that I am a narcissist. And I have seen her by a number of books and read countless articles on the subject. After reading a number of them myself, I can see how pretty much anyone can slip into nacassistic behavior at times. But I have seen the same psychiatrist for years, he laughs at the thought. Our marriage therapist has tried to let her know that since I have admited to countless faults (I am not a nacassistic person but I have done many stupid things), that I don’t fit the pattern. She won’t admit to her own faults though. The thing is, she is now divorcing me and everything I say and do is taken as proof that I am a nacassist

Very scared said,

December 15, 2012 @ 3:37 am

Opps.
She is actually the one who is telling people false info about me and I have no way to defend against it because she has made certain that I can not talk to these people without coming off as being exactly what she tells them I am. This all came about after the cps had to be called because she hurt my son. She now uses that incident as proof that I am out to get her.
What the heck do I do? I actually still think she is a nice person. Btw I am now attending al anon because I realize I am a codependent. But before I lose my house and kids and everything, what do I do?

Dr.Sam said,

December 15, 2012 @ 7:18 pm

Very Scared,
Sometimes an extreme narcissist is sooooo skillful that he/she is able to make the victim look like a narcissist. I have seen this counseling victims of narcissists. Beware of this trick!

Awoman said,

December 22, 2012 @ 3:38 am

Having been in two healthy, long term relationships, I’ve never been prepared for the last two and a half years of ‘hell’. I have been in an eighteen month long very abusive, rollercoaster relationship with a narcissist. My first ever encounter on any level with one. She suddenly replaced me without warning or officially breaking up. My dilemma is : I met a woman a few months after this heartbreaking experience, and lo and behold, it was narcissist nr. 2 . I could spot the signs a few months into the relationship and have broken it off mercilessly. What could I look at to change in myself to stop this pattern of now having attracted two of these very intelligent and attractive but demonic creatures?

Awoman said,

December 22, 2012 @ 3:40 am

Just want to thank you for the very informative website and YouTube video.

Dr.Sam said,

December 22, 2012 @ 10:06 am

Awoman,
How to avoid attracting more narcissists?

There are various responses to that question at various levels. I’ll give you a simple core reason for attracting narcissists. Biggest reason: poor boundaries method of testing people to see if they are consistently safe and healthy. Do they consistently reciprocate at same level you give. Keep in mind you must incrementally give from VERY LITTLE of yourself and each time pause and wait for same level of response whether by “Thank you”, a favor, a gift, etc. that shows they do value what you gave of yourself. If not or they stop, then you stop. If that stop at a level of giving/sacrificing themselves, then you stop right at that level and do not “up it.” If person only takes and does not give or stops giving, totally stop. Run! They are takers, manipulators, controllers, vampires. Another level is if you are soooo hungry for love that you will sacrifice yourself on the altar and ignore the previous process, either not having it, or cheating on the process so that you jump in quickly giving your heart and not seeing the signs already… willful blindness. Being soooo hungry for love means you have deficits. Get a great therapist to help you find where these deficits are and heal them. There! A simple response but with a lot of “Pow” in it! Best regrards, Dr. Sam

Dawn said,

March 7, 2013 @ 5:39 pm

I just want to say what great information!! I have been in my own hell with an E N….I dated him in HS in the late 70s. We broke up..I married..had 3 children…I am still married almost 30 yrs now. He however has had 3 failed marriages..has 5 children with various women…has attempted suicide…is an alcoholic..and a heavy, hardcore drug user…He made contact with me after 32 years. At first he was kind, sweet gentle….said he had never gotten over me…still loved me..was in love with me…had quit drinking and doing drugs ..been in therapy and was now a Christian!! I fell for all of it hook line and sinker!! I fell into an emotional relationship with this person. At the time my marriage was fine..perhaps a bit dull..but still a good marriage. Anyway we rocked along texting, emailing..phone calls..we live 500 miles apart. He said he had kept up with me through friends and knew I had been ill and almost died. We met up one weekend in our hometown and spent three days talking…nothing else..just talking and trying to figure out why we didn’t ever get married. After all this..and this had been going on for about a year…he suddenly changed!! He began blaming me for his failed marriages, and for all the bad things that had happened to him….saying that had I not broken up with him in HS …he wouldn’t have suffered all this pain…and that because of me he didn’t trust women! I tell you..I had no clue he was an E N…so i was trying to “fix” things! Another year and a half of his constant rage and belittling…I finally began calling him out on the lies and broken promises. He really got angry…told me he didnt love me was just wanting a fling..which of course I never gave in physically,…and went so far as to tell me he had a new woman…this is when I found out he was living with his second wife…poor woman! I see now what he really is…and I ended things…of course he was livid…but..once I knew the truth, I couldnt stay involved ..even as friends! My marriage is good…my husband knows most everything…and he is precious to understand and forgive me. My question is this….should I be worried he will come back around? or try and take revenge against me for ending this??? I just want it all to go away and never see or speak to him again. Thank you!!

Miss T said,

May 5, 2013 @ 9:37 am

Hi, I would really appreciate some advice, I have been caring for my niece since she is 10 years old. I have 4 kids as well, but older and one younger, she is now almost 16 years old. I didnt realize she was a narcissist up until a year ago. is this curable? I never told her what I feel she is, but I have asked her to talk with someone, maybe at school. she does not want to hear of it, I said so many times in a nice way that there is something wrong with this picture, why doesnt she get along with anyone. from teachers to friends to family and now me. something is wrong with everyone in her eyes, she storms out of the room if she is confronted over any situation. went as far as calling her teacher a psycho then stormed out, cursed me out yesterday. telling me to go —- myself. right infront of my now 10 year old daughter. the list goes on and on.. but I will be here for awhile.. I will cut this short, I just need some advice on what I can do from here now that I know what I am dealing with. if she does not want help, how can I protect my children? Ive been doing lots of reading online about the narcissist and it seems they only get worse with age, and its starting to scare me. all I tried to do was good by taking in a young girl whom parents were also narcissist drug addicts. and now im overwhelmed because I feel I put my family in a very bad situation.

Dr.Sam said,

May 5, 2013 @ 12:16 pm

Miss T,

I will pass on to you, on this public forum basic info. Two things: 1) Yes, in my opinion, a narcissist can be cured but only if they become broken. As a parent/guardian, you will have to figure out how to get the niece there. 2) If you cannot take her to brokenness (humility and cooperation/respect of you and family) then I would not sacrifice my own kids and sanity on the altar of your niece. I would pass her on. You are not her mother, bottom line. I would never sacrifice my kids in order to “save” a cousin of theirs. Terrible? I don’t think so. It is called triage. Better one person loses out than your whole family being lost and resenting their mother for destroying their lives and not feeling taken care of and protected by mom (and dad, wherever he is in the picture).

Dr. Sam

Tess said,

May 10, 2013 @ 6:22 pm

I became emotionally involved with someone who was my superior at work. We were also both married snd still are. Needless to say, it didn’t work out. I now realize that he is a narcissist through much research. I felt compelled to learn what drew me to someone who at one time made me feel so incredibly loved but when I dared to question a decision, I was accused of being disloyal. The entire saga turned the last 2 1/2 years of my life upside down and I find that I am still working through it all. I’m so disappointed in myself that I allowed something like this to happen. I completely lost sight of the person I was in a very short time. I’m still contemplating seeing a professional. I have so much anger in relation to how he so easily forgot about me and the “love he cherished “. He even had a second child with his wife, the woman he didn’t want to go home to. Even though I tried to break it off when he told me “flippantly ” that she was pregnant, changing his tune when he saw how upset snd confused his “good news” made me He reeled me back in with his tears and saying that he “didn’t think she would get pregnant and joe he never felt the way he did about me with anyone else and that nothing within the past ten years made him happy until me. During that ten years he got married and had a son.

Mr. Ayb said,

May 14, 2013 @ 2:24 am

I have been doing a lot of research recently on narcissism as I realized lately (6 yrs) that my partner (girlfriend) is having such personality traits in her.

Just to set some context to the story:
I met her during my college (she was my best friend sis) and got attracted to her, proposed her and she agreed after couple of days. She also told me that she broke up recently with another 3yrs relationship, but I was completely mad in love with her. As time passed our relationship became stronger, she use to take care of me and I found qualities in her which I dreamed of, but at times we use to argue and fight as she always takes a stand on her opinion and does not want to listen until I agree with her. I can never see her upset and mostly agreed to what she said and when I use to be upset I use to cry or just go to some random place and spent lonely time, but she use to never pay much attention when I said I am upset because of the fight we had, as she use to think that she is right. I use to think that she don’t love me the way I love, or may be I don’t know the meaning of love. The fight became more and more severe after 2 years, but I had to mostly compromise and later she always made me realized I was wrong and I use to say her that you are right, I should not have fought with you. I helped her in all college assignments and getting a good job as well.

When I started my job after graduation, in another city she also moved to same city with a new job, as she wanted to stay near me. And that move made our relationship more deeper and we started meeting more frequently and spending almost all the time together after job. The fight got very less and more happy time started, and I started thinking that she started loving me. I use to do all the things she wanted before even she said mostly, picking her from job and dropping her home, going out frequently, even hampering my office work at times to make sure she is always my highest priority. Even she use to take care of me perfectly as I use to frequently fall ill. Sooner times were coming when our marriage discussion were to start at our homes, and she use to ask me that if my parents would agree to accept her, and I use to say ofcourse and I am there if any pblm occurs. I was always uncomfortable when she use to talk with another guys in office etc, and always use to say her that please avoid talking to them, until I know them well. She use to get upset everytime and use to say I am possessive and don’t trust her, even though she see me crying after fighting. I use to think why she never understands my emotions and feelings, I Just can’t bare to see her spending time with another guy as it kills me inside, but she has opposite reaction to my feelings :(

Few months back we started fighting frequently as she started talking with another guy her school friend on everyday basis, and the day he messaged her darling, I got pissed off and screwed our new year night. But later made up feeling guilty. Then I found she stopped messaging that guy and I was happy. Month later she went to her hometown to visit family and then she suddenly stopped talking with me. I was completely devastated and tried asking her million times what happened to you, she said her family does not want her to marry me and she also realized that we use to a lot of fight and are incompatible (after 6 years!) so its better we stop talking and move on with our lives, I was so much upset for next 10 days as she use to hardly pick my calls or reply to my messages and when she returned back she said that are family member and friends made her realized that she was in a wrong relationship and as I am so possessive and un-trusting it would make our post marriage life hell, so better I should also understand that and peacefully move on. I shouted at her acts but she got more angry so I then started dealing peacefully, meeting her and explaining her that what she is not right and getting influenced by wrong people, I love her the most and can’t live without her, but she didn’t listened and was looking very happy. I use to think it was all my fault, may be I am not a person whom girls will fall in love with may be due to my possessive nature.

2 months later I came to know that when she went home she met with that school guy and went out almost everyday and made up all stories so that I don’t feel bad or disturb her while she was spending time with that guy. It was like spraying gasoline on fire, just made me feeling the worst and I started doing all these research which finally landed me to narcissism personality blogs.

I confronted her recently with all the truths and she started crying and from last 15 days she always messages me sorry and asking for forgiveness for her mistakes and lies.
I am not replying but still I love her a lot and miss her badly even after knowing what she did with me.

Helen Burke said,

May 15, 2013 @ 4:08 am

My son is the problem -he’s 34 years old and i believe he’s a narcissisist.. he has a restraining order banning him from seeing his ex parnter and his children, he no longer works and all of the family have been at the end of his vile outbursts of rage. I have not seen any hope in any of the information I have read and this worries me constantly. He’s my son he’s ill right? all I am told over and over is to stay away from him but If i can’t help him who will- who will care enough about him. It doesn’t help to read that these people are pure evil and to avoid them at all costs. Should I tell him about the condition that i beieve he’s suffering from, would suppluing him with some literature help. At the moment we are trying a no contact rule but he texts and rings all the time and it’s killing me that i can’t have a straight forward conversation with him . please advise.

Dr.Sam said,

May 15, 2013 @ 10:22 am

Helen, it is a tough call because when you initiate, you give him another door to come in and hurt you. I would simply send him links to these articles and simply say, “I think these articles might help you” and say no more.

Dr. Sam

mike said,

May 19, 2013 @ 1:33 am

As a recovering narcissist, I can step back and view how I have been, and treated people, I feel ashamed and have lost many friends from my behaviour, I always blamed other people for my failures, never excepted responsability, drained people of there energy because of my self pitty.
Narcissist constantly play mind games, its mentally draining, I would play mind games years in advance to try and get my own way, every day is a mind game day, and when those games didn’t work, then it was anger and self pitty. when the games worked , it was look at me I have won again, huge ego.
As I write this my girlfriend is leaving she is looking for a house, I have been mean and horrible to this wonderful woman, all she has ever done is love me and support me.
I have known for years that I have a problem with my temper, but blamed everyone else, but 2 days ago she said I had a huge ego, but I laughed it of, because my ego wouldn’t believe her,!!!!!!
now I have spent the last 5 hours reading about huge egos and narcissists and its me. I feel huge relief finding this out, my mind feels at peace at the moment.
Now I have to be self aware and look out for the signs as I will slip back into my bad ways. but knowing what I am or have been I can self monitor myself..
A N can only help themselves, until they recognise what they are , they wont change, they belief every1 plays games,
If your with a N be careful they will drain your energy you will never win the mind game, you would have to be a N to get get close. Hope this helps, to get an opinion from a narc. (sorry about the spelling, I was to busy playing mind games in school)

Ladybug said,

June 13, 2013 @ 10:47 am

Dr. Sam… Do you have any book recommendations for me to read to help me respond correctly to my Extreme narcissistic husband? I am recently married’ He was not this bad before we got married. I think he hid it well, we went out to dinner, he brought home flowers, etc. I was important and someone special in his life. Now, he yells, cusses, I do nothing right. If I hurt myself, he’s hurt himself more. He says I’m selfish. I have to constantly tell him how much I appreciate everything he does for me. I have to constantly walk on eggshells. I want to learn how to “talk” to him, so I can stop crying when he yells.

Dr.Sam said,

June 13, 2013 @ 11:43 am

There are many out there. I would encourage you just to see what your local library can get for you. Some are better than others.

I see some very bad signs with this man you call your husband. I would take care of this immediately before you make the mistake of wasting your life away for years and you have children. First, do not have children with this man or you’ll complicate your life more if you need to exit the marriage. I see how he is an Extreme Narcissist. Make it a requirement to go to a therapist that understands narcissism and is good at marriage counseling. Give him a few months. In your mind if he starts to mistreat you again and he shows he has not changed at his core, then say “Hasta La Bye, Bye!” Spare yourself incredible pain and run quickly if you made a grave mistake. Admit you messed up in your discernment (naive) and learn from it and then study the subject, get healthy boundaries, then, and only then consider other men. Read “Safe People” by Townsend and Cloud.

Dr. Sam

Maripaz Lara said,

July 18, 2013 @ 8:17 pm

I thought I met my knight in shining armor the man of my dreams. Been married for 2 years and been with him total of 4 years. He is charming as if he was molded to be that man
during those years after 4 months of dedication for me when I was in the way with his pornography, prostitution, online dating and womanizing. He was verbally and physically abusive he called me old fat ugly and give me something to look at. The last time he hurt me was 12/12 and I left unemployed, living with a friend and he depleted my account. After the time he left me he was contacting me due to my love for him I did see him. The week he sent me that he wanted to see me I thought of going back but he said its too late he found someone else. He found soon to be wife number 3. I filed for divorce on 3/13 for he never changed his ways. He replaced me with a woman who looks like his daughter. He found his match. No contact with a narcissist is the best solution. Get your life back. You deserve to be happy.

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allyson said,

August 7, 2013 @ 5:36 pm

My now ex-husband, whom i have been gone from since 2001, was the definition of narcissistic socialpath.He tried his best, for 11 years to put it in my head that nobody was better than him, nobody could do what he could do, he thought he was the best at everything..and everybody!I had no say at anything, my thoughts about decisions were useless, only he could make the choices.For someone who thought they were the perfect man, he certainly wasn’t a good provider, we lived off of assistance mostly..and he would literally ask his parents for money..and him being a grown 40 something year old man!!he’s never, ever been responsible for bills, housing, grocery or anything that would benefit a family. He made things harder for us, by being so mean, abusive…beating me to a pulp. Forcing me to have sex with people,telling me that it was “passion’ that he lacked…not that he was a sex addict.Of course, it was all my fault, for anything bad that ever happened, always my fault.I was bad mouthed, beaten and almost kidnapped after i ‘escaped’ from him the day i finally left him for good.he called family and told them the biggest lies a person could imagine about me, all lies. Why would someone do that, if they were really trying to get their wife back?Did he think, he could say all those things and i would just ignore it? i later found out, he had been telling lies on me for a long time, making up things to make me sound like a bad person, when it was him that was doing those things..him!!The man is extremely vendictive and only cares about himself. he’s also ashamed of his real identity, race..he’s a black man, who claims to be an Indian.he’s got it in his head, because he was raised like that, to believe that..that any race is better than the black race…so, he’s got it bad..lying about what race he is, even when you can tell he’s not Indian.he’s now with a woman of color, an African American woman, whom he was cheating on me with all those years ago…thinking he’s somehow better than her, because he thinks he’s a superior race.He moves all the time, from motel to motel..where as I have been in the same place since I left him,now 12 years.I know he’s moving around, because people talk, people talk about people who act like that, it’s not normal.To hear him tell it, he’s normal..better than normal.Anyone who goes against him, or thinks different..well, he goes into a rage, screaming..cursing, acting like a child. it’s a man tantrum he has, totally looses it..looks demonic when it happens!The man has never cared about what others were feeling, how he has effected their life. all he cares about, is himself..what someone has done to him, or will do for him rather. he doesn’t treat others the way he demands treatment from people.I finally couldn’t take it anymore, I hated him. I hated him before I left him and was to scared to leave, he’d threatened me with death..I knew it could happen.I had to be sneaky when I left him, couldn’t just walk out the door, NO!! I couldn’t go anywhere, not even to the grocery store without him..sure couldn’t leave him without a plan.After I left him, that’s when the stalking, letters and phone calls came..all threatening, demanding me to go back! At the same time, telling the biggest lies on me! He’s got a warped sense of thinking, who wants to be with someone like that…especially after a taste of freedom!! Anyway, your site sure has helped me to understand what it was I went through, helped explain a lot to me..about narcissism.I had, at one time..thought it might be me, not him. I came around thou8gh, especially after people seen what i saw..rages, his not working and such and how i always got the blame for anything that happened.Thanks for bringing this to the light, people need to know about this. people need to know, it’s a problem, it can be dangerous…and it can get worse..my story ends great. I have a good life, narcissistic free and loving it. although, he does follow me on fb..I just ignore him and pretend not to see he’s there!he hates that worse than anything, being ignored..thinks he’s to special, great to be ignored! thanks for the site, it helps those of us to have better understanding of how these people think, act and live.

MARY said,

August 8, 2013 @ 5:11 pm

sam im in a real dilema my daughter who is 32 this year has been shownxtreme narcistic since the age of 3yrs she started lying now at 32yrs she is extremely abusive rageful unpredictable lying cunning blaming accusing explosive unpredictable yes very scary and in my experience sadistic she has done some signs ofi me over 22yrsnow i have developed complex ptsd and biopolar because of her evil behaviour she is cold heartless remorseless couldnt give a dam and very manipulate and coned me out of taking out large loansits my only child so i love her and stood by her but she has distroyed my health and my life i feel soo ashamed i feel devastated she turned out like that a pychopath also im scared of her im now 53yrs what should i do should i cut her off i told she is ill ith npd also she knowsshe is ill should i alarther employers and move and cut her off i am now petrified of her i have stopped her coming to my home do i inform the police for my own safety and protection she refuses to get help and has been telling all herfriends im ill for 22yrs im ill and convinced me it was me for 22 yrs when it was her all the times doing me such shocking evilswitching the coin with no emphathy and had me believe it was me insteadve her who was ill all the time e

Alison said,

September 14, 2013 @ 4:16 pm

I am currently divorcing a man who treated me like a queen to begin with. He would say such awful things about his previous wife that I really believed she was an awful person (she died age 40 of alcoholism). Once I had married him and sold my house he gradually became more controlling and demanding. He never took responsibility for anything and could never seem to be able to say sorry. He began to criticise me to my family and friends and criticised them to me. I was often told I was loopy, too sensitive and paranoid. He frequently lied to me, about big things and unimportant things and hid huge amounts of money away. He encouraged his adult sons to be disrespectful to me and when they shouted and swore at me, he told them they were right to speak to me like that. He told me that I deserved it. I was told I should be taking loopy pills, only double the dose. I was also told that no one else would have married me. Strangely he only had one friend whilst I have many. He would humiliate me in front of others and constantly criticise me. If I was ever upset about something, he didn’t appear to care. If he was upset, that was different! Eventually I had a huge anxiety attack, hyperventilated and my hands went in to spasm. My friends called an ambulance whilst he stood and shouted at me. After a while I realised that all the negative things he used to tell me about his previous wife, were what he was now saying to me! I was living on eggshells with him and his mind games and with his sons who were allowed to say whatever they wanted to me. I applied for divorce 3 months ago and even though he has already replaced me with someone else he is harassing me with texts, emails, notes and texting my phone at work. I still have bad days when I cry and remember the good times we had. I’ve given up our holiday home abroad, 7-8 holidays a year, financial security and the choice of whether I wish to work or not. I have always chosen to work, luckily, so I do have some independence. I feel as if I have lost my best friend,……but then he wasn’t really my best friend was he! Luckily for me my family and friends are there for me! I will get through this.

Shaerry said,

December 17, 2013 @ 12:46 pm

I am currently in process of divorcing my N husband. I have a 6 year old and 12 yr old who has autism. Since I am removing myself from him, I have noticed he is tougher on my younger son who is sensitive and outspoken.
Now I am thinking about staying to protect my sons from his lack of empathy. And believing that they are minupulative.
What should I do? He wants 50% custody.

Please advise

Stacy W said,

March 21, 2014 @ 7:28 am

It’s been almost 2 years since I left my Narc/BPD relationship. One of the most painful parts was having to physically leave the place that I loved, my home because I knew after many years that if I stayed physically in the same place as him I would always be manipulated back into the same bullshit. I’m reading and writing because though I am in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, kind person now I still feel haunted and often have dreams that make me relive the pain over and over again. I have been perplexed because it’s been so long. I should be over it, right? Well, I’m not and I feel guilty and weak that I’m not over it. Right after I left Brett Gyllenskog swooped up one of my good friends, she was moved in with him within a month of me leaving. I thought that she was one of my best friends. I just have to remind myself that I also fell victim to his manipulation so many times. I thought it was my fault that I wasn’t good enough and that perhaps she is but I know now, from lots of therapy, that there is NO good match for a narcissist!! She is now in the same pain I was and although my hurt and anger are still here ultimately I feel pity on her.
I just wanted to thank all of you that have commented and to those who wrote the article. Especially all the parts about, sleep, reactive depression, nightmares, etc.. I thought I was crazy and totally lame that I still carry the pain around and dream of him and her so often still.
All of this has helped me feel okay about where I’m at and helped me to see how damaging these people and relationships can really be. I don’t have to feel so crazy and weak anymore about still reeling from this experience.

Research characteristics of “REAL” Narcissistic/Borderline/Anti-social… Personality Disorder!!! It’s not just someone who think’s they’re pretty awesome and likes to look at themselves in the mirror. It’s so much more.

Our society’s casual idea of what Narcissism is NOT the reality! They will manipulate you every time you try to leave. You feel like you can’t go on without them because they have groomed you to feel that way. That’s not real! – even though you feel physically ill and overly fearful at the thought of leaving. I promise that It will never end! It is impossible for them to change because of the type disorder they have does not allow them to look at themselves the way that we can and they NEVER will be able to.

So ultimately please hear my advice…(I do realize that kids and marriage make this even more complex and difficult)…

BUY YOURSELF A PLANE TICKET TO SOMEWHERE SAFE AND AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT….BECAUSE IT DOES!!!….even if it means leaving everything you love and where you want to be.

….and STOP BELIEVING THAT YOU’RE NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH, STRONG ENOUGH, SMART ENOUGH, SKINNY ENOUGH, ETC…

IT’S A LIE!

THEY NEED YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY SO THEY CAN KEEP YOU THERE TO KEEP SUPPLYING THEM WITH WHAT THEIR DISORDER NEEDS TO SURVIVE.

REMEMBER THEY ARE NOT WELL – THEY ARE MENTALLY ILL….you can expect “normal” behavior from them. So STOP TRYING!

Love yourself and don’t look back.

Lots of love and kind regards to all of you xoxo

James said,

April 14, 2014 @ 12:04 am

Dr. Sam,

I have been having some pretty bad marriage issues lately and recently my wife just left to go live with her parents for a bit. I was sitting at home today browsing the internet about relationship problems and how to fix them when I came across your articles. It came at me like a freight train to see all the symptoms you point out in a narcissist and how I relate to almost every single one of them. My mom one day dropped me off at school when I was 7 and I never saw her again or heard from her for a long time. This led to my parents divorce. Growing up this was really hard for me not having a mother around and having her say she would call or be there for my birthdays and she never would. My dad is also a narcissist and I always remember wanting to be the best and show my dad that I can achieve things to be acknowledged. Well I’m 24 years old now I’ve been married for almost two years and I recently discharged from the Marine Corps. I always thought that my desire to be the best was just so Erving normal because I always wanted to strive in everything I did as well as put myself on a pedestal. I learned a lot from the military about getting ho when you need it and I feel like there’s so much for me to say about my past hat contributes to being narcissistic. I just know I have a problem and I want the help because it’s not healthy for one and I don’t want to lose the love of my life from something I could potentially fix. My wife is an amazing person and there have been many times when she would point out that I was correcting her or someone else and times when I would talk about myself. She even told me that I had a bad problem and that I’m not a strong person and that I have emotional issues that I need to fix. It was the kick in he teeth I needed but I didn’t think anything of it really. I’m coming to you for advice and direction for my problem. So anything youc can do to point me in the right direction would be great. Thank you so much for your time and I hope to hear back from you soon!

Dr.Sam said,

April 14, 2014 @ 7:10 am

James, It is hard to know totally what to say without talking in person to get a bigger picture. You sound like someone that has narcissism but not an extreme narcissist. I would work on yourself by developing openness with your wife and asking her to point out to yo u when you are self-absorbed. Your desire to be the best is not necessarily a bad thing but you need to look at it in terms of your identity. If your value as a person comes from you the praise and accomplishments, eventually you will be devastated. I would encourage you to look at spirituality where you have a Divine unconditional love affirming you. I would look at being part of some men’s group sponsored by a good temple/church where they are honest with each other and do “men” things to bond and connect. If you are a reader and can do workbooks, I like Julia Cameron’s book called “The Artist’s Way” because it is a way to connect with your insides and see your strengths and weaknesses and work through them in a positive way to unleash the true person you were created to be… in a healthy way. You and your wife could do the workbook together. For now, that is all I can share with you.

rashita said,

April 14, 2014 @ 11:01 am

I really hope you could help me as I am deciding if I should marry someone who I think could possible be a narcissistic. I have been dating this man for 3 years and he is in his early thirties and I am in my late twenties. He is loved by many people, he is funny charming thoughtful to his friends. His family adores him and spoils him. He is always the center of attention. he has had problem with cocaine which I was able to take him out of. He makes me laugh but I feel that I am always walking on eggshells around him. Until recently, he had no goals, job, and spent his days drinking, smoking pot and chilling with his friends. I encouraged him and helped him come up with some goals for his life. His friends all look up to him as I said he is funny and would run around and help his friends with anything he needs. However when it comes to me He is different. He often looks down on me, makes me feel like I came after him, I was desperate for him, and that he is better than me. I am not conceited but I know my value and am happy with the way I look and my self. Even when others say I look pretty he often belittles me and makes me think I look bad. He says he does that because I could look better. He often picks on my insecurities about my body that I tell him about. He disrespects me calls me names puts me down, puts my family down and often never apologizes or understand when he is at fault. he turns everything on me and tells me I am at my fault that I often start believing he is right. For him his pride is most important. Its always about looking good in front of people and putting on a show. he puts me down for not dressing and looking “pretty” all the time becaue he wants me to look presentable to others. he expects me to be dolled up and appropriate, he will act like I cheated on him and call me all the names on the book for keeping my car messy, not dressing properly. He often says he does these things for me as he sees me as a great person but I don’t live up to that and that he is trying to help me become that great person. When he is mad he cannot regulate his emotions and Calls me wh***, s***, B**** and I never ever swear at him or disrespect him. He says when he is upset he wants to see me in pain for a while. If he believes somehow how I intentionally or unintentionally made him look bad in front of people he will blow up. Dr Sam, for example he will think its wrong if I talk to my friends about my family problems, because if he ends up with me its shameful that my good friends know about my broken family. He says if we cannot have an extravagant wedding ceremony he will not embarrass himself by having a mediocre one. Its always me who calls him back trying to resolve our problem, and at times after several conversations he tells me he understands he is hard to live with and he will try. At most times, he will just say get the f out if you don’t like it. I can make it on my own. Dr Sam, I am an educated person who comes from ae not so happy family. I have been through so much in my life but am so proud of my accomplishments. I have an amazing career, and am working towards my masters. But he never says he is proud of me unless he wants something. He never appreciates anything I do for him. DO you think this relationship could be saved. We have taken about four breaks over the three years and its always about the way he disrespects me, he cannot seem to understand that his way of seeing the world, his pride for the most unnecessary things are not normal. In his mind he is right all the time. His parents never tell him and he is spoiled. He belittles his friends at times and bullies them and puts them down when he gets drunk but his friends don’t say anything to him and I always try to tell him what he is doing is wrong. but his friends just see him as the alpha male and ignore his behaviour. His behaviour towards me is the worst. Like I said I feel like I am not sure what will throw him off and tried to not to offend him as much as I can. But I don’t know when he will snap. Please help. I just feel maybe I am in the wrong because everyone else seems to love him, and not see his problem but I see his true self? My parents might not even understand. Please help

Dr.Sam said,

April 14, 2014 @ 12:48 pm

Rashita… Oh my God! You wrote me a book! LoL! I’ll try to briefly help you without this turning into a real and formal counseling session. Basically, you deserve the best. If this guy mistreats you, explodes at you, and if you are finding yourself making excuses in order to save him or keep him… then run! Run for the hills and far from this guy. There are better people out there. Don’t settle for someone because you think you cannot attract a better person. That is a major mistake and a fallacy. There are only a few billion men out there and all you need is one of them that is totally in love with you and will treat you right.

rashita said,

April 14, 2014 @ 2:55 pm

Thank you so much. I am just at a cross road right now and I should trust my gut but I have other pressures from family culture etc which is making me anxious. I just dont know whats wrong with this guy. But you are definetely right. I would have wrote more if I had the time lol. There is so much I left out.lol..Thank you

James said,

April 14, 2014 @ 6:41 pm

Dr. Sam,

Thank you so much for your time! I will check out all of those options and hope that it will help me and my wife’s relationship. I am interested in the spiritiual groups and the workbook you suggested. Where can I find your phone number and do you charge for your services? It would be nice to speak to you just because there is so much to say that would take me a while to type out. Anyways thank you again I appreciate it tons!

-James

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