Babyman… Is This Your Guy?

Posted by Dr.Sam on October 3rd, 2009

Manly

Once upon a time there was a damsel in distress crying for help at the top of a tower. Down below was a fierce and fiery dragon. Away on a not-too-distant hill was a knight in shining armor on a white horse. As the damsel cried to the knight saying, “Please save me!” the knight looked at the dragon and then at the damsel. Then again he looked at the dragon and at the damsel. Abruptly the knight started to suck his thumb and cried out loud saying, “Mommy, Mommy, I’m scared!” The damsel could not believe her eyes. She quickly assessed her options and came to the conclusion that the knight was not going to save her. Immediately, like a bolt of lightning, she jumped out of the window dropping down below and almost breaking her legs. She then ran to the knight and pulled his sword out of its sheath. Filled with determination and fervor she drew near to the fierce dragon and whopped the head off. Quickly she made her way to the knight, jumped on his horse in front of him and galloped at fast speed into the sun to pursue her adventures.

I remember once sitting and drinking coffee at a fast food when suddenly several screaming children barged through the doors running towards the Kid’s meal toy display. Soon after that the dad walked in and quickly sat down. He appeared to not care about how his children were terrorizing the store clients. Lastly, an exhausted mother walked in. She started to take orders and delivering the food back and forth between the counter and the placid husband and energetic children.

What’s wrong with this picture?

If it weren’t for the fact that it is illegal, I was tempted to go to the husband and slap the man silly telling him to get off his duff, control the kids, and serve that tired woman. Instead he acts like one of the self-absorbed children.

How would you imagine this woman feels? My experience in counseling many couples with these characteristics in their relationship has taught me several important points.

Here are some clues on how you can know if you are in a relationship with a man stuck in his childhood.

1. Men who are boys create resentment in their partners.

Do you feel resentful toward your partner? You are realizing that you did not sign up to be his mother. Now you are sensing that you don’t respect him. Perhaps he made you think he was your knight. Now you notice that you are more mature than he is. He is selfish like a child. He probably put on an act to get you. You are seeing the real person now.

2. Men who are boys never learned how to be a grown-up.

These men have developmental deficits. Check to see whether your partner developed a sense of increasing responsibility and was accountable for his actions when growing up. Did he have free reign? Did he have healthy structure and accountability in his childhood? It is important for boys to learn progressively that they need to carry their own load and that there are other persons around them with legitimate needs. He is not the center of the Universe.

3. Men who are boys are forcing their woman to be masculine.

When a woman feels as if she has been emotionally abandoned by her man and has to take on his responsibilities she detaches from her “softness” and internal beauty to become a survivor. She has to turn into a man fighting beasts in her life to survive and to save her family. When a woman does this switch, she can often turn ugly, angry, and insensitive… something she hates to be…and something that she is not.

Many women have fallen in love with a man only to be disappointed that they are in a relationship with a boy.

Like in the original white knight story, women want to be swept off their feet in rapturous love. They dream of having that knight save her from her dragons and carry her off and away into some adventure. Some men are little boys right from the beginning while others regress once the relationship is advanced. Many women, desperate to be loved, will take a man and pamper him (like a mother) hoping that he will become that knight that will save her and love her.

Advice to Women

If you are in a relationship with man who is a boy it could be because you either want to be his mother or you are naïve. If you want to be his mother then knock yourself out and get ready for major disappointment and possible heartbreak. If you have been naïve, kindly say goodbye to the guy and RUN FOR THE HILLS! Make sure the next relationship is one with a man and not a boy!

Article 12 Comments

Vanessa said,

November 7, 2009 @ 2:05 am

Dr. Sam… this was sort of funny… but what if you’re *MARRIED*… to say “run for the hills” is not really a helpful solution in my situation… where both myself and my husband grew up in dysfunctional homes – but the contrast is that I had increasing responsibility and boundaries and he literally raised himself and had to fend for himself… and was rather indulged throughout his life. Of course, here we are married to one another and tryingt o learn how adults do relationships. Not easy.

Dr.Sam said,

November 7, 2009 @ 1:47 pm

Vanessa, what is really great about your situation is that both of you are working on the relationship! Awesome!

Claude said,

November 9, 2009 @ 2:38 am

Hello, Dr. Sam!

First, let me thank you again for all the advice you gave me months ago!

Second, I do find this dynamics in my marriage regarding points no. 1, 2, 3. I guess, when you come for a narcissistic family you kind of “mother” your husband after being a co-dependent for years. It’s not easy. Last time I had to move my daughters to a new school b/c my eldest was emotionally and verbally abused in the previous school. Dear husband of course, didn’t see the problem and I had to go and talk to the principal, who only accused me and my daughter – I had to do the masculine job…
I guess it’s b/c my husband doesn’t like changes. The good thing is that I am getting stronger and independent.

I know what my husband’s talents are and what talents he is deprived of! I still love him! and I think we have to see also if a husband is loyal, loving and helps whenever he can. and he does.

So…

I will keep doing the masculine tasks and accept his limitations….

Shey said,

December 30, 2009 @ 9:59 am

Dr. Sam,
I married a man just like this. He was 33 years old when we met and at 23, I thought he was my knight in shining armor. Atleast that’s the impression he originally gave me. But what do you really know at 23? Seventeen years of marriage and I couldn’t take him, his stingyness and selfishness anymore and divorced this lazy man and I’m glad that I did and have never had any regrets. Single parenthood is never easy but, I am very glad that I am no longer married to him. Reading this story made me think that you knew us and that this is a reality in many people’s lives. I have been single for 4 years now, by choice and my focus and attention have been directed towards working on completing my bachelor’s degree and raising my daughter, who’s a member of the National Honor Society and an honor student in her last year of high school. Your article was very interesting and insightful. Thank you for providing me with another possible reason for my strong and aggressive personality and being able to recognize a loser a mile away.

Luis Lalinde said,

January 6, 2010 @ 10:06 pm

“Dr. Sam… this was sort of funny”. It’s not sort of funny. It is hilarious and true. I seen this situation many times and its usually when the couple been together for a very long time and the relationship is going down hill. The girl not sure what to do because she is in “love” and feels she has the responsibility to do the right thing while the guy is just a lazy bum and oblivion. So what you are saying is that when guys act like this (careless) they are still boys.

I’m a teenager and i don’t plan to get married until I’m at least 35 but i don’t know what the future holds for me. So i will just wait until i get a Royal Flush (i find the girl that makes me say “Damn i found her”). Until that day i will just meet girls and see what’s out there. Does changing from girl to girl make me part boy? Its just that i get bored or i meet a new girl or want to be alone after a certain point because I don’t feel she is what i saw at first but changing from girl to girl makes me feel like i just used the last girl. Right when i see a girl in a matter of seconds i could just say Yes or No. Its that instant attraction that makes me put my poker face and play with my best hand to get her. Usually only one girl got to the river card which was 1 long term relationship but i learn that i just wanted to be free and talk here and there so i guess i folded. With no one to asking me this or that. Independent. When you are young you don’t really need a women i think. Just a friend here and there until you feel like you need the nurturing, loving, gentle touch, compassionate, and caring of a women. The opinion of a women in your life. I’m i right or do i have a problem? Is this part of growing up as a man? Normal teenage life i guess. I accept any opinions. Open minded.

Dr.Sam said,

January 7, 2010 @ 12:28 pm

Luis, I’m not real clear on what you are asking. What I would say is if you feel you are looking for comfort and nurture of a woman and you want her to “listen” to you, then examine whether that is a need that was not met from your mother. If you feel that is the case then you may need to heal and fill some vacuums. Those would be losses that you have to grieve and process. A woman who feels she has to baby her man constantly will eventually get angry at him and feel he is not there for her emotionally. She will not respect that man then. You’ll have to determine what your case is. In any event, if you have a deep need to be listened to consider doing it with some safe male friends who understand and care also. Then you go to your girlfriend and then YOU listen to her heart. Just a few thoughts.

Luis Lalinde said,

January 7, 2010 @ 4:42 pm

Well i never had the best relationship with my mom but that really doesn’t have to do with anything. lmao. :) I just ask “Does changing from girl to girl make me part boy?”. Because i have fun with all the girls I’m with but i just get over them quick. Like i never get to the love part. That’s why i was saying you don’t really need the nurturing, loving, gentle touch, compassionate, and caring of a women when your are young. Well that’s what i think and then i ask : I’m i right or do i have a problem? Is this part of growing up as a man?

Luis Lalinde said,

January 19, 2010 @ 5:41 pm

Okay i talk to my girlfriend and she said I’m crazy and laugh. She said that when you are young you “need the nurturing, loving, gentle touch, compassionate, and caring of a women because we need that.”. “That’s why everyone has a mom”.To this question “Does changing from girl to girl make me part boy?” she said “that i just haven’t found that right girl” and that it doesn’t have nothing to do with it being a boy or anything. To my others question. “Am i right or do i have a problem? Is this part of growing up as a man?”. Nop i don’t have a problem and that i take care of her very well so she doesn’t consider me to be a BabyMan. So im happy now.

Claude said,

January 20, 2010 @ 4:01 am

Just a thought. Isn’t marrying a narcissistic, controlling and aggressive husband worse?

In my country, there have been some cases recently where a husband killed his wife and children and then commited suicide.

I think that usually when you marry young you don’t make the best choice. However it is known that the younger the woman, her children will be born healthier.

In short, marriage is at times or maybe many times as a pandora box. Don’t forget the charade narcissists make when they meet someone new!

Lea said,

March 19, 2010 @ 11:17 pm

Thank you for an interesting article.

I married just this man–someone adorable and loving and kind. I helped him with his self-confidence, in finding jobs. I loved him with all my heart. He said that I was his world, that he wanted a family with me, that I was his everything. He had many “child-like” traits of wanting to be hugged and “held”. I often felt more like a mother than a wife, and actually believe that I have severe mothering tendencies myself. We married after 1 year together (he proposed after 3 months) and were so in love. BUT all of a sudden, after 5 years of being a perfect couple (or so I thought), he told me about 6 months ago that he no longer saw me in his future. That he was depressed about us. After asking time and time again, what was wrong with us, he just said that I did not love him enough–that there have been times over the past few years when he didn’t feel loved, eg when I didn’t read his mind and cook his favourite meal for example. And then he started telling his friends and family that we had problems. All of a sudden, things were simply crazy. I asked questions, and he could not give me a coherent answer. Then he told me some weeks ago that he wants a divorce. He moved out, took most of his things and has completely stopped communication with me. He has been seeing a therapist (on my suggestion) for several months now and has uncovered that his family may be severely narcissistic (his mother is so self centered that it is unbelievable). Still, he blames me for the fact that our marriage had no future (without being able to tell me what went wrong, without trying through counselling to fix things). My head in in a spin–I am so confused and hurt and angry at the loss of what seemed to be something amazing. Of my soul mate. I do not understand what happened. How could he change so quickly. And how could he simply move out and stop all contact with someone (me) who he has spoken to and seen every day for the tpast five years? I finally managed to reach him (he rejected all my phone calls, and I do not know where he lives now) by phone and he cried, saying how much he misses and loves me but that he has no belief in the marriage all of a sudden and divorce is the best option. That he sees no meaning in his life right now but knows that this will come soon. That he will not “look for another love” anytime soon as he is still in love with me, but does not want to remain married to me. And, the best part is, that he does not know how he will feel in the next year or so, and may come back if his emotional strength is restored????????

Dr. Sam, any insights? Did I marry a narcissist and, if so, is this possible without the person being verbally or physically abusive? The “only” abuse I have suffered seems to be deeply emotional, and relates to him basically confusing the hell out of me by saying things to other people about our relationship being on the rocks yet not saying a word to me. Furthermore, by living all of a sudden as if he were single for the past year. He has never (as far as I know) cheated or even considered this, but “left” me apparently out of planning his life and decision making for probably about a year (he decided to move to another state to be closer to his family, and simply told me that he would do this without asking how it would impact me. but then he found–well, I helped him find and coached him to get–his dream job in the state where we live, and he told me that he was no longer moving). All of this has reduced me from a strong, confident woman to one who sees very little happiness and is sad beyond belief at how he simply dumped me out of the blue. Is there a chance that the terapy will work and he will be fixed and come back a new man? Or am I dreaming?

Please help!

Thank you.

Lea

Dr.Sam said,

March 20, 2010 @ 10:57 am

Lea,

I would say that you may want to check yourself to see if you have been his mommy all these years. Now the man-child is bored with you and dissatisfied. He is looking for new candy and a new mommy. That is narcissistic and childish. He is not acting like an adult but like a child leaving his responsibilities and person who has put their life on the line for him. He is not stepping up to the plate to reciprocate. How immature! He needs a whop to the head by another man to put some sense into him! Maybe his Daddy did not have the gumption to set the strong example of duty and principle and faithfulness. His mother produced another narcissist. Probably father watched it happen and let it happen to get the mother off his back. I would confront him or appeal to him to get some counseling with you about your marriage from someone that is well known to totally understand and able to work with narcissism, family systems, and understands how to change beliefs, traumas, etc. quickly (trained in EMDR, NLP, EFT, etc.).

Hope this helps.

Dr. Sam

Heather said,

April 13, 2010 @ 5:33 am

Wow it is so ironic what you said because a friend of mine and I were just talking two days ago about this very subject…I had bought some new furniture the other day and the guys were putting one of the couches together, instead of my husband getting up and helping he actually told me to move the other couch so the movers could have more space to put the tables, is that CRAZY or what? My husband was just sitting there watching, I told him, “no I am not moving anything and that he was the man so he can move it.”
I am married to a BOY and have been for almost thirteen years, I was only eighteen when I got married and I have to admit I was very naive and vulnerable at that time, not to mention my husband is very charming as you know narcissists are…now five children later and me reaching my breaking point, I want to run for the hills, however, I am completely dependent on him (financially) and he is hard to convince that he is the problem so he is not very cooperative with me. It is funny that you said the women become masculine in the relationship because the BOYS are so self-absorbed, that really is the story of my life (daily) as you can imagine I take full care of our five children and the house and any kind of extra errands or duties outside of the home, he basically goes to work, he just started to pick up his own dry cleaning (which is right under our apartment, it is really crazy. I have seen this behavior in him for a while, but with me having the children and all of my responsibilities at home I just let it go, I would tell him about it but it never did any good, he always had an excuse, being a PhD student was one, and being sick was another. He is completely absent as a husband and father (unless it is something he benefits from). Two years ago we moved to a bigger city where the women are noticably more pampered than in the small town I am from. Something in me just snapped, I see the women being treated soft and delicate as a women should and pampering a lady is of the norm. Of course, my husband says that this is a waste of money and they are “bad women”, another one of his famous sayings when I tell him I would like to be more pampered and treated like a lady, he says “Well I don’t get pampered, I don’t take care of myself,” of course all of us need to take care of ourselves but is that ridiculous or what? I feel like I am crazy when I talk to him about my needs and what it is his role as the MAN is, he never takes me out, and he never makes me feel feminine in any way, and what’s so funny is that I was so feminine when we got married, he used to even tell me that. Now, as funny as it might sound, he says the opposite, that I act like a man…how ironic. I would love for get professional help and advice on what to do, but he would not agree to it. I would love to leave, I am really done… because on top of all of this he is abusive, in all forms, and he is controlling, he also manipulates our children to go “against me” whenever he can, of course they say whatever he wants to hear because they are afraid. This is no way to live and it is absolutely no way to raise children. I want to leave but as I told you I am dependent on him and he is not cooperative, he threatens to make my life hell. Please, as a professional please advice me if there is hope, I know what I need to do but I am afraid. I don’t have much support from family (I am all the way on the other side of the world and my family are not rich to just book us six airplane tickets) and I don’t really have any friends so what is one to do. Please HELP!!!

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